Getting closure after a break up. Is it ever ok to ask?

So I guess it's been a month since my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. I've been extremely busy since so I haven't had time to process it.

But now I'm starting to go over things in my head. He seems fine but I'm also two hours away and haven't seen him since.

We ended on "good" terms as in he asked if we could be friends and I agree to it and said multiple times we just can't work right now.

But I'm starting to feel the hurt and all I can do is think about all these questions that just don't make sense. I know I can't always get what I want but I feel like I need answers to some of them to have closure.

Is it ever ok to ask question about what happened to your ex I usually don't but I can't seem to handle this one.

Ex of questions:

-How did a stupid little fight go from that to this
-Why was it so hard for you just to talk to me
-Why didn't you listen to the therapist and continue to just blame everything on me?


Most Helpful Guy

  • I have "a few" years on you, and with that dating experience under my belt I'd like to offer my perspective. We all feel like closure will make things better for us. Even amicable breakups (one JUST happened to me) make us long for specifics. Processing a breakup and trying to move on from it always wreaks havoc on our emotions. It sucks; there's no way around it. And as you're experiencing, every breakup requires a different amount of time to go through that. We replay the relationship over and over in our head at various levels of detail. That said, you can't try to force deeper communication or resolution if it isn't there. Everything you mentioned points to your ex having poor communication skills and a lack of emotional availability. He may just not be mature enough to handle these situations the same way you do. There's your closure...this is why he wasn't the right fit for YOU! And in general with relationships, sometimes it's just better for everyone to move on. Do you REALLY need his friendship, or is it "back of your mind hope" you'll get back together? I'm saying this because I've been guilty of it in the past myself. As much as I can't imagine my life without a person after a breakup, miraculously I always end up moving on eventually! Just remember you had plenty of friends and plenty to do in your life before this guy, and nothing's changed. We date because we want to find a significant other, not to find a friend. Focus your energy on how you've grown and learned from the experience :)

    • The problem is I'm afraid that if he doesn't have the level of maturity no one can cause I passed the age gap with him and he has a couple years on you.
      My emotional havoc is already planned in three days I'll be out of denial which I've only been doing because I didn't have time to be sad. And get through the anger, bargaining and depression in two days. I will accept that it happened but I have issues with not knowing the reasons why.

      Yes I have it planned it's how I function and I'm kind of an expert of getting myself through depression people been leaving me my entire life he's going to be harder which is why he gets two days where as everyone else gets a few hours.

      I don't know if I can be friends with him or just be civil. I have been exes as friends but I left my walls up I don't do it to hold on to hope that they'll come back

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • It's always OK. They are just questions.

    You probably won't like what you're going to hear. Also, sometimes people just look for reasons to break up.

    That was his choice. Let him go. Frankly, I find it odd that people can enter into so many relationships. I've been thinking about that lately. I invested over 4 years into the last girl and she squashed it, just like your man did.

    • I know that the answers will probably hurt me. But I'm the kind of person that would rather know and be hurt for a few days then let it fester and bother me for months.

      I've never been big on relationships ever but I finally let down my walls and stopped pushing him away and he ended it so I really don't understand why people do it.

  • You can ask, but I don't see the point. Assuming that he's actually aware of why he did what he did, chances are he'll either ignore it or lie. But if you feel the need to, then go ahead.

    • I don't understand why people lie. Plus he has to talk to me he hasn't gotten any of his stuff yet

What Girls Said 1

  • To me i dont see the harm in asking if your both ready to talk about it. But sometimes we dont get what we want to know if the other person won't tell why. But I dont see the harm of it all I just dont know if it best to bring that up the 1st time you talk it depends what kind of person he is and where he at at this point. But I see life as i rather say how I feel then wondering what happen and having these questions in my head. It worth the try. If so go for it when you feel ready to ask. But keep in mind it may not go as you plan it to go with getting the answers.

    • I know I may not like the answers but I'm to inquisitive not to know the reason. I'm usually a big fan of speaking your mind. We've have very short conversations that have been civil

    • Then I feel it best to just ask and see if hell tell you. Their no harm. Cuz it to help you to have closer and maybe it give you insight on to see where it really went wrong. Just be able to understand it may hurt your feelings. But to not to take it to heart.