GF talking to ex, pulling my hair out?

I'll try to be objective.

A girl I have been seeing since Jan feels she needs to remain in contact with her ex, just messaging but he asks to meet up and she keeps deferring to me. They spent last year breaking up repeatedly, that was their 4th yr, they were last together in Sept. They went through the sudden death a close loved one together last year also. She left because he was self-destructing. He has been getting his shit together since they split up.

Her obvious residual feelings are obvious, it was her first serious relationship. I have made it clear that it makes me uncomfortable, but I discovered yesterday that her solution was to hide it from me, she told me because I was "acting weird" and she thought I must have found out... Guilty Conscience? Not impressed, even though I do trust her, I think she is playing with fire needlessly, when we are really so good together... accidents happen...

This girl has very good qualities that she brings to the relationship, I won't gush, I also have baggage that she has been very understanding with. I struggle to just walk away, so I am also not wanting to give her an ultimatum on this, though it seems that is almost what she wants, I love her independence from me as dependency characterised a previous failed relationship of mine and I don't want to repeat those mistakes.

It feels very disrespectful, I wonder if she's not doing it because my ex's wants me back, I have rejected her 1/2 dozen times and another has stayed involved in my social circles but we have no contact (she tries, I ignore), I can't cut one out cause kids, but the other is in the cold.

We have been slowly transitioning from a casual thing to a serious thing and this is definitely getting in the way of me wanting to let her in more.

What can I do? I'm thinking about telling her we need to go back to casual and drop the relationship stuff until we are both ready? Thoughts, insights and alternative solutions desperately requested!!
Updates:
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Most Helpful Girl

  • I understand not wanting to let her go, but it just might be inevitable that you guys aren't going to last long. If you already are that she has emotions for someone else lingering, then she is not completely with YOU. Actions speak louder than words dude. If she wanted to hide the fact that she was talking to him, what else will she hide? And being that she kept it hidden, and the only reason she elected to tell you was because you were acting "weird", then that is not someone who is completely into making the two of you work. She in my opinion already has one foot outside of the relationship because she is examining her options with her ex, and his new found change.

    Listen to your gut. And logically view what has already happened. As a third party looking in, it doesn't sound like you guys are going to survive a serious relationship because deception has already begun, AND she has remnant emotions for someone else. I'm just saying... Good luck.

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What Girls Said 2

  • I think you should call it quits, there is no reason for her to talk to her ex; unless there are children involved and I don't think you mentioned that. If she can't respect what you said about it making you uncomfortable; that is a major respect issue, and her hiding the fact that she is talking to him is another is of being honest.

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    • There are not children involved on her side. Her explanation for hiding it from me didn't sit right with me, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, and I felt like her having a guilty conscience and telling me unprovoked was a good sign too, but it is essentially her saying "talking to him is more important to me than your feelings or the health of this relationship". It might be best to set her free if that's what she wants...

    • exactly

  • Time to end this :-(

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    • I spoke to her shortly after posting this about not wanting to be in a committed relationship with her ex situation, I suggested that we could talk about being less serious and taking a few steps backward to just having fun if we both wanted too... She claimed she didn't realise it was affecting me so much and complained about my ex situation. Later she told me she had asked him to stop talking to her and deleted him from her social media, and in return I deleted an ex's sister.

      We had an amazing extended weekend together after all that, Friday was a public holiday here and she had arranged to have Monday off before this started as we had planned to go away. She wants privacy, still has a lock on her phone, but is upset about my phone lock (retaliation is an issue I struggle with) and feels like I'm not being as open with her as I used to be. We will find a balance or we won't, I'll stay in it with open eyes, if she isn't being straight itll come out eventually and thats on her

    • You guys have to both be open and lose the locks on the phone. It's good you resolved the ex issue but you've both got to unlock the phones and be totally open with no secrets. Once you do this it's officially in the past

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