Am I giving up on potential partners too soon?

I'm a 27 year old guy who is quite emotional and sensitive (which are rare traits for men), but by no means a pushover because I can be the toughest man when the situations demands. Also, I absolutely HATE the fact that even in this era where gender roles have changes so much, men are still expected to ALWAYS make the first move, and women assume that men are mind readers who can find out if the women like them or not.

Having got that part out of the way, here is my issue. I have absolutely no problems befriending women and being close with them, which I believe is due to my impeccable sense of humor (because I don't suppose I'm that good looking). I keep getting closer to her, but if she even shows the slightest disinterest in me (or something related to me) or I find out that I don't fit into her description of an ideal partner (I can easily make women reveal their expectations without making it obvious that I'm interested), I stop considering her as a potential partner from that moment itself, and begin seeing her purely as a friend. And I don't even regret this later on. I'm sure its got to do with me being sensitive. I consider a rejection by a woman as a huge personal insult (I know this is wrong, but I can't help it). This feeling is compounded by the constant feeling I have that women have it so easy with dating because men do all the hard work, and women don't even have to raise a finger.

Ladies: If you show a slight disinterest in a man you're close with or if he doesn't fit into your expectations of an ideal partner, would you immediately reject him if he wanted to date you, or would you give him a chance to see how it goes?

Guys: Have you ever been in a situation where a woman didn't seem too interested in you, but still agreed to date you and your relationship was actually a success?

P.S. I have been in a couple of relationships, and in both cases the women asked me out. I have never asked anyone out due to fear of rejection.


Most Helpful Girl

  • First, I hope that something changes your attitude about women regarding "Men do all the work". They way you wrote that so In a good relationship, both partners do the same amount of work to keep it going. In a dead-end relationship, one person, whether male or female, is doing all of the work, which ultimately leads to that person feeling undervalued, insecure, etc.

    Now, regarding your direct question: "Ladies: If you show a slight disinterest in a man you're close with or if he doesn't fit into your expectations of an ideal partner...", I would say to you that the truth is, sometimes there is an attraction of a romantic nature and sometimes just as a friend & there is nothing wrong with that. If you are just "befriending" women you would hope to date, & then using that friendship to feel them out about whether they will date you, that from the very get-go is sort of dishonest. Personally, I would not date someone I didn't feel attracted to in some way, and it mostly has just been about chemistry, at least for me. Some of the men I have dated, and indeed have had long-term relationships with, aren't the best looking chaps but there was just that something about them I liked and felt attracted to. Women may talk about their "ideal" partner, but honestly, that's just talk, and that is true for men, too. Many people I know have fallen heads over heels in love with someone they NEVER thought they would based on what they "usually went for" or "their tastes".

    Lastly, I sincerely hope you are able to get over the fear of rejection you say you possess. I would say the only way to do this is to think about how this fear manifested in you...try to trace back moments in your past that may have contributed to your developing this fear. Just as with anything else, if you wait for something to happen TO you, you'll probably be waiting a very, very long time, just waiting for that lucky thing. Only you can make things happen for yourself in any area of life. Good luck u!

    • Wow, thanks for the detailed response! Let me clarify some stuff.
      I never befriend women with the aim of dating them. In fact, I befriend men too. Its just that I develop feelings towards SOME women I befriend after getting to know them better, because I tend to emphasize personality a lit more than looks.
      And it isn't so much about 'fear if rejection'. I have a fear of failure in all matters of life right since childhood (I give up doing something the moment I sense even a small chance of failure), and this fear has extended to dating as well (because obviously getting rejected is analogous to failing with the woman I liked).

    • *a lot more than looks

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What Girls Said 4

  • You sound pretty crazy. There is a ton of irrationality going on in that head of yours. You say that women expect you to read their minds and make the first move. Can you READ THEIR MINDS? How do you know what women are thinking. Also how do you expect women to read YOUR mind and know when/how to approach you and what YOU want? As many generalizations you place on women, can be a clear reflection of where you're going wrong with women.

    You want to be treated like an individual (Calling yourself a rare breed of male different from all the "Rest") Yet you clump every vagina owner into the same category.

    To answer your question. I don't give guys a chance if they don't have to offer what I want, and/or are not compatible with me. Giving any random guy a chance can lead to ending up in a body bag or in some other type of avoidable tragedy.

    You do a shit ton of projection yourself and idea's onto others. Perhaps you should get all that jumbled garbage out of your head before you consider dating.

    • It would help if you're a tad more polite when you answer. Anyway, what I mentioned was IN GENERAL women expect men to make the first move, and when men do that, they say "Its not my fault if you mistook my friendliness as interest". This is compounded by the fact that there isn't much if a difference between a woman being super friendly or showing interest.
      And I never implied that you should give chance to 'random' guys. A guy who is close and good friends with you is 'random'?

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    • Agree with you, but unfortunately every man is not a psychologist to be able to accurately judge women's behaviour towards him. And yeah, I'm not foolish enough to assume that a woman who pays for my dinner would want to date me as well.

      Anyway, just tell me one thing. Women want to be on par with men on almost all aspects (and that is only fair), but why should men always make the first move? Do women feel that this 'fear of rejection' is only applicable for them, and men should just 'man up and stop complaining' when they get rejected? Why does it have to matter who makes the first move?

    • No man has to be a psychologist to learn how to socialize with women. He simply has to pay attention.

      You keep generalizing all women. Why do you keep doing that, when you just said that every girlfriend you had asked YOU out. Perhaps you should stop viewing women as a colony of ants and start seeing them as individual people, who all behave and think differently.

      No one should complain when they get rejected. No one has to date anyone or have any type of relationship with whom they don't want. Men and women are allowed to reject who ever they want for any reason they want.

  • my criteria for dating someone is whether or not i could see myself marrying them, so yes i would probably reject them if they didn't live up to my expectations. i have turned down guys, but don't think i'm shallow and selfish because i have found someone.

    i think you need to have more self-confidence in yourself. you sound like the kind of guy girls friend zone in a heartbeat from your description because you sound like a great friend. maybe if you start portraying yourself as a SO girls would be more open to you.

    • Shouldn't I be friends with her first? I mean...directly showing interest without knowing her first would be like giving her an invititation to consider me a 'creep'.

    • Also, if you had 10 expectations and a guy satisfied 7 or 8 of those, would you STILL reject him?

    • from what i've seen with my sister (i don't exactly have a lot of dating experience lol), that once you are friends, it is very very hard to make a relationship work. she has done that three time and each of them ended badly.

      it would depend on how high those expectations rank for me. if it is something small, like the language he uses or his relationship with his family, i can get over that or help him improve himself. if it is something big, like drug/tobacco use, not the same religion as i am, disrespectful, i wouldn't date him.

  • You're kind of a ladies man! Hmmm... Some women who don't know how to express their feelings or are also fearful of rejection, may intentionally show disinterest to protect themselves from being hurt. Some women play games to see how the guy reacts. Many reasons, but yes, I think you could miss out on a great relationship by shutting down anytime you feel like rejection is on the horizon.

    • do seem to be right when you say that I'm a ladies man. Women often say that I make them feel really comfortable and feel as though they know me since years after the first meet itself. But I have a really tough time determining if she is actually interested in me, or is just being super nice and friendly. And in such situations, I prefer to play it safe and friendzone her, rather than take the risk of asking her out and possibly end up getting rejected, hurt and insulted.

  • i would give him a chance and go out with him. dating is very important, its when u get to be alone with someone and really get to know them. honestly any situation or relationship nothing is ever perfect. there's no such thing as the movies when guy and girl fall in love and run away and get married. in real life its all about baby steps. like u gotta take it one thing at a time, just relax and have fun. go out for a movie or a nice restaurant walk along the park just get to know her. dont be too serious just live in the moment. no 2 people will be perfect no marriage is perfect. but if u fall for that person, u just fall.

    i personally prefer the man to ask me out. i will show him signs im interested but it is very sexy and manly when the man takes charge to ask a woman out. u need to get over this fear of rejection and start being more confident. women love confidence in a man. u should be strong minded and be a rock for her. u should make her feel protected. women dont like men who are always too sensitive and scared, because we are emotional creatures and we need u to be our shoulder to cry on.

    • I have mentioned that I'm not a pushover and can be the toughest man when the situation demands. By 'sensitive', I mean to say that I give value for human emotions and don't prefer casual sex or treating women like objects of sex.

What Guys Said 0

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