How to truly get over an infidelity? How do you stop being anxious about it?

After 3 years of dating my bf and I are still living separately. We both talk about our future house and plans but he is not financially ready to be on his own. He is still in school and his family just gets by. I have my own place, a great job and I am looking to move on to the next step. I feel like we are stuck in a rut.
During semesters my bf stays at my place because it is convenient since I am so close to his campus. During breaks he goes home and spends time with family. We both love each other very much and he tries so hard to help me out and be there for me in ways other than financially since he is generally broke.
Last year however my bf broke my trust and stepped out of line, border line cheating. This was during his summer break. Anyways, we moved past the incident and he really turned his ways around and showed me how sorry he was. It's now summer again and he is back home working on hobbies and spending time with family. He lives about 45 mins away and we agreed to try and see each other on weekends since he and I both have things to do during the week.
However, I am not handling the separation well. We went from spending every day together during the last semester to now just one day a week. I am worried he might step out of line again, I get irritated when he takes time to meet up with other friends who live in my direction but doesn't come to see me, and I seem to evaluate how much he misses me and how faithful he is by the communication he makes with me. If He texts throughout the day I am happy. But if he takes 8 hours to respond I worry that he is talking to another girl.

I am driving myself crazy. I have forgiven him but the anxiety hasn't gone away. And if I keep reminding him to stay on a straight path and checking up on what he is doing it will drive him away. What are your thoughts?


Most Helpful Guy

  • You seem to be having a chip on your shoulder about doing better than him, financially. If your attitude above is apparent to him too, it's not going to do anything good to him.

    "Cheating" might then become one way of proving his self-worth to himself... Why not just leave him?

    • No chip on my shoulder... I only included it here because it is an important aspect of the story. How else to get my point across? I never keep track of expenses with regards to him and he never asks for anything. I give it freely expecting nothing in return. When he does have money I also never ask him to pay. He does so freely. In fact, however much he needs the money he will always take me out a couple of times first. He's really a great guy. My question was not regarding the money...

    • Show All
    • Feeling nice? What do you mean by that?

    • Feeling a bit insecure about something... If we feel inadequate to our partner, we might try to get a validation from elsewhere...

      One example: when my partner deprived me of sex for a long stint, and treated me as if I had no self worth, I felt like cheating on her, just to convince myself about my own worth!

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What Guys Said 2

  • Ask him if he is cheating on you and read his expressions. Looking away and blinking usually means he is. It could be wrong though but you will have a good idea hopefully.

  • My thoughts are that you should have broken up when the incident happened. It's slowly but surely eating away at your relationship and eventually it will become too much of a burden. You clearly don't trust him (rightly so) and all you are doing is hurting yourself in the process.

    I think you need to sit down and really contemplate whether or not you can really trust him, because a relationship cannot survive without trust.


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