I'm 18 and have never had a boyfriend...?

I'm eighteen and have never had a boyfriend. As a young child, i was abused by my father and have had serious, serious trust problems since. I have since been going to a councillor for my issues starting when the abusing ended but I've just been awful with guys. Im awkward and weird and can't let them know that i like them in an obvious way. I've only ever had two guys ask me out (and i think that one was using me to try to get into the country quickly cause he was trying with many different girls and told mw that his card was cancelled or something to that effect). The second one was just trying to get in my pants so that ended quckly. I like a guy now (who's a year younger than me and my brother's friend) but I think I screwed things up because we got in a fight a couple of months ago and stopped talking until this past weekend. I know that i sound desperate but i don't know what to do.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I come from a very similar background. I wasn't just abused by the males though, the females saw fit to hurt whatever was left of me. So I was and am, still really screwed up. To this day I find myself sometimes unable to even look a girl the age of those girls in school, in the eye. I have to look away. I asked myself why, and it's because I am still afraid of them.

    Grown women, no problem...

    I also pursued relationships with the same sex, because I was so scared and disgusted with women. That didn't work out.

    I can tell you what I learned, and what God showed me. I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for God. I suggest you give Him a try...

    When we are abused in a sexual way, it affects not only our bodies, but our minds, souls, heart, s will, desires, spirit, and soul. It literally re- forms who we are. We are forced to cope, on our own immature little way- and often the defense mechanism we quickly throw up- become permanent foundations for a life of twisted misery.

    I cannot say that any medicine, counselor, or even self introspection has helped me as much as seeking God. God has shown me so much about myself, in blasts of realization, epiphanies that I can claim no credit for. Deep things. Things no human can know.

    In short, you must tear down those gross, dirty, tender, icky, fearful little walls you have put up around your heart. You must plow through them- and the taboo feelings you have shied away from in the deepest parts of your heart and soul. You must confront your own heart, your own soul, and you MUST be fearless.

    Be ready to acknowledge anything that is there, even if it is shameful.

    Come to terms with it, and realize your father is/was a sick man. He perverted a sacred trust that all fathers have with their daughters. For that i am sorry.

    But now you are left with dealing with the scars- that are actually scabs- over wounds.

    • The truth is, that while I am thirty four years old, I have only begun to scratch the surface. God showed me just today, how immature I am. If I were to date a woman right now, even at this age, it would be a disaster. I simply cannot empathize with her enough to be a real man for her. And this is because of the abuse I suffered, also from my father, from boys, and girls, when I was younger.

      So though they were the ones who hurt me, I am the one who now must bear these sexual burdens, and the psychological devastation of what was once a normal human heart and soul. Not fair, but guess what, life is rarely fair.

      You have a lot of searching to do, in yourself. You can make progress, on your own, but you will never know the deep healing unless you also seek God, and His Son, Jesus. Jesus is alive, risen, and real. He's not some figment of my imagination, He has saved me many times, and shown me the deep things of the heart.

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What Guys Said 4

  • I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a difficult start in life. You know, one of the things that I do is when certain thoughts and feelings I've had from prior abuses creep up, I tell myself in my own voice in my own head, "No, I'm not going to play those old recordings anymore. I've moved passed that, there are new reasons for things to be different, and this kind of story is over."

    If you focus on finding males without dealing with your past, you'll just end up with one as abusive as your dad -- the heart works that way. It seeks out the familiar, even if it is painfully familiar. Instead, come to terms with what happened and also have new resolve and new strategies in place that you think will make things different, and on those go forth and build your life.

    Other things that will help you is moving out on your own (who really wants to date a girl who is still living with her parents?). Even if you stay with your folks a bit longer, if you are industrious and spending 12-16 hour days at school you'll land a guy a lot faster than if you have half days at home.

    Rather than focusing on guys or a specific guy, build a better and more attractive you. That's basically what I did, I had no GF at 18, but by 23 I was married lol. It happens quick when you make something of yourself.

  • I'm 31 and have never had a girlfriend, or dated or anything of the sort. There are always excuses of some sort. As for myself being shy or simply having an ridiculous amount of bad luck.

    If I'm 31 and have plenty of time to find my future wife, then you certainly have plenty of time to find a guy being only 18, LOL!!!

  • Go to church, there are some decent guys desperate for female attention. Or try to date a nerd. Just go for the guys you would never even consider, they will do almost everything for you.

    By the way I am 24 and never had a girlfriend, don't think you are the only one who is desperate for love.

  • every guy wants to be loved and they want sex, if you dont want the same things than thats why you dont have a boyfriend plus not making moves is another reason...you say "The second one was just trying to get in your pants so that ended quickly. than thats the problem all along


What Girls Said 1

  • I also have serious trust and vulnerability issues due to abuse. I'm 21. Never had a boyfriend. Actually, never even flirted or been on a date with a guy. You should be proud of the effort you've put in to trying to develop relationships. You could be like me and just not try. I hope that you give yourself more credit. (: