He said he won't date me because he is scared

This guy I like has told me he loved me and that I have his heart but he won't date me because he is scared to get hurt like he did previously. I told him how I felt about him and told him that the amount we hang out (everyday) and we don't mess around with anyone but each other how different would dating be I told him to think about it and if he still needed time we could take it as slow as he wanted. He admitted seeing me with other guys made him jealous and told me to wait for him to get his head straight.

But lately he's been calling me pet names like "baby, babe, or boo" and saying things (jokingly) like "oh if you do that we are sooo breaking up" and I spent the night the other night and he wants me to spend the night again. I have a key to his apartment already. And he cooks me dinner most nights (stuff that requires effort) we hang out or I help him cook (his budget is tight so we don't go out to dinner anymore) he still kisses me goodbye as well--though our sex life has sort of died down (it was a lot more before we started hanging out everyday/before our relationship was mainly sex).

It is still plenty 2-3 times a week. I know he cares about me (he offered to help me find a car and everything) But where am I at in this? I don't know if we are dating (it was agreed that we do want to date, but that he wanted to wait when we talked about it weeks ago) Does he like me? It's that we are doing everything that boyfriends and girlfriends do except without the title. I don't mind that except it makes me feel vulnerable that he could go meet and date some other girl and be like "wellll we weren't DATING".

I know I need to talk to him about it but I don't want to seem like I'm pressuring him to date me. I'm not, I do respect that he might still need time. And if he's starting to trust me completely that I won't hurt him I don't want to scare him off by asking about dating.


Most Helpful Guy

  • It sounds like you are doing all the things you would be doing, so you are effectively getting what you want from the relationship. Are you really so hung up on the titles 'boyfriend/girlfriend' that you would jeopardize what you have? My advice would be to carry on down the route you are going. Things are stepping up slowly at a rate that he's comfortable with and it sounds like you are not too dissatisfied with your progress. You are clearly boyfriend and girlfriend! Let him ease himself into that situation without pressuring him unduly. As for feeling vulnerable about him seeing other people, I think you have a right to demand exclusivity if you stayed the night. You could say that if he doesn't want to officially 'date' you, then you want first refusal, so that he can't date anyone else in the meantime. That would be a light hearted way of bringing the subject up and should get you the assurance you need. Good luck - you both sound like nice people.

    • I just feel vulnerable because I know potentially he could say "well we weren't dating" and find someone else. He's not showing any signs of doing that but I'm not sure.

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What Guys Said 2

  • WiseBlonde,

    You do realize that adding the boyfriend/girlfriend "title" would have very little impact on whether he would want to decide to meet someone else. People get married and even that has very little impact on being exclusive so why put so much emphasis on the "title? "

    If things are going well, which it does sound like it is, enjoy what you have and if it is meant to be the rest will fall into place. Enjoy each others company and be merry and don't fret the little details such as titles.

    P. S. If he is scared of dating then that could also imply he is still unsure of how you feel for him and he needs to come to terms with how you feel for him on his own. Give him some space.

  • To me it sounds like you're dating without the official term. I would ask why he doesn't want to be official. If he can't commit to you, then it sounds like he wants to keep his options open for other girls. Why else wouldn't he commit? As far as you guys having sex, and doing all that stuff, you might have shot yourself in the foot, because right now, he's getting milk for free without having to buy the cow, so to speak. Why would he want to commit to you when he's getting all the benefits, without having you as a girlfriend. He is still free to do whatever he wants and with whoever he wants

    • He's not seeing other girls really, he has a few girls he'll go drinking with who ask him to spend the night and he said no. One tried to kiss him (before they went drinking) he pushed her away and called me. Is this his way of committing?

    • It might be. But you need to be open and honest with him and talk to him and ask why you two aren't "official. " Just because you're dating doesn't need you need to move in. But what it does make you is exclusive, so there are no other people.

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