I'm not sure how attracted to him I really am. Thoughts?

I'm sort of doing a casual thing with a friend. Just friendship, with a bit of sexy fun on the side. I love hanging out with him, our brains are on the same wavelength, like, 99% of the time, similar humor, *so* unbelievably easy to communicate honestly with each other, etc.; and I trust him rather implicitly, actually, which is a weird space to be in for me. I'm not good with just *knowing* that someone's going to be excited to see me or think about me when we aren't necessarily together at the time. I'm not usually that important to anyone to not be sort of forgotten or pushed to the back of the mind when out of sight, so it's nice and easy, what we're doing, but also hard to wrap my mind around.

Anywho, here's the thing, and I know it's weirdly shallow of me: he's really not the most attractive person, and it does bug me a little. Like, if someone asked me if I thought he was hot, I just wouldn't answer out of courtesy, or I'd answer with an affirmation of something else. I'm not sure how much of this is my brain just deciding I deserve "better," or my brain deciding to find reasons to sabotage something so relaxing and so easy, but... yeah. I'm not really sure how to reconcile this.

I'm not really sure what help people can be, maybe telling me I'm not alone or not a complete ass, perhaps. Maybe I am, I dunno. If y'all had some advice for maybe getting past this, because I know it's shallow bullshit?


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