I'd apreciate advice on getting over past rejection because of the way I used to look?

2-3 years ago I weighed considerably more due to, depression, medications, and addiction. I was very overweight and of course sad. I had a constant embarrassing string of rejections, girls would act like I was gross, and even say ewww behind my back. Often they'd make excuses to not talk to me. I would try to approach girls anyway regardless of the pain. But it got to the point where I disappeared from social life.

Fast forward to now, since then I've lost a whole lot of weight, I went from having to wear XL to medium, I no longer fear or have to deal with buttons on my clothes snapping and popping off, lol. I'd been really depressed for years and am finally recovering. Recently I've had girls tell me I'm cute and handsome, and I've had girls flirt with me. I'm embarrassed to say that I've given odd reactions to both because it all seems weird to me and because the pain of really bad rejection is ingrained in my mind. I can't believe anything positive that I'm told about myself.

The pain of past rejection keeps me from being able to handle the present.
What advice would you give to someone dealing with this?
Have you gone through anything similar yourself?

Having a touch time picking the best answer, but I thank all of you for your advice :)
*tough, hahaha.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I would look at your body as new. A new you. A new chapter. An opportunity for a better, healthier life. I think you should give yourself the benefit of the doubt. I also feel that in order to cope with this change it would be best if you could find someone you trust and confide in about your thoughts and feelings while going through this new change. It's easier to accept things and embrace them when we talk out loud and are able to reflect and analyze. It also helps to understand yourself. Losing unhealthy weight is always an accomplishment and should be looked at with admiration.

    When you get compliments try to understand that thats how someone else sees you. Thats how THEY see you and be thankful. This is a new leaf turned my friend!

    I haven't gone through anything like this before as far as weight goes, but I can relate to being a "new self". Growing up I was a tomboy, all throughout high school. Now that I'm in my second year of college I've started to embrace my femininity. Now I wear dresses, I curl my hair, I wear heels, I do my makeup. Now that I've grown into my "young woman", people around take a notice and always compliment me. I smile and give thanks but it's still awkward for me and slightly embarrassing. But I have realized that self confidence takes time. It takes time to be comfortable with yourself. :) But eventually you'll get there and won't even notice :)

    • How's your family reacted to your "new self"?
      I started seeing a psychologist so slowly that's starting to help. I just need to think less and act more.

    • My family really likes it, they always talk about how i look like a young women now and blah blah blah I like it too. I look at it as starting a new chapter.

      Thanks for MH

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 2

  • 2 words. hakuna. matata.

  • I know what you mean. I have a friend like this and I'm like this myself, though for other reasons. My friend often gets down on himself for a variety of reasons and I get frustrated because I can't get him to see that those things don't matter and don't affect his being a good, worthwhile-person.

    In terms of advice, I would say that you have to realize that there is a disconnect with "reality" as it exists for everyone around you and your own "reality." You know your past and you know how badly you were treated, so your "reality" is poisoned by all that negativity. You've been conditioned to not trust others. But other people don't know your past, they only know the you they see today. You have to learn to trust that they mean what they say and not let your mind distort how they treat you today with the pain of the past. Only let yourself doubt what they say if they give you a reason to. It's a de-conditioning of sorts.

    Some people choose to blame those who brought them pain but I think that's ultimately not productive, you have to work on yourself to bring yourself back to "normal." I doubt it will happen in a day, but every time you catch yourself dwelling on the past, take that as an opportunity to remember that your mind has a habit of conflating the past with the present.

    • Thank you, and yes I've blamed others for the pain they caused me but it's never gotten me anywhere of course.

What Guys Said 2

  • Longitudinal psychological studies have determined that it takes up to seven years for one's body image to catch up and reflect the real body. I was very overweight in my early teen years, but after a total change of environment I began to lose weight. Even after my weight loss, though, I continued to have a negative body image. Gradually I felt more accepted by girls I was attracted to and slowly recovered my self-esteem, which had suffered for years by disparaging name-calling, fat jokes, and so forth. I countered my feeling unattractive by having sex with as many girls as possible of all sorts; I stopped counting at sixty when I could not remember everyone's name, but I think that experience of acceptance by females contributed to my improved self-esteem (Thank you girls, love you all).

    Going vegan would be a good thing to keep the weight off. Learn behavior modification techniques, positive reinforcement, et cetera. Improve your social skills and practice them with everyone you meet. Learn to approach and attract girls you don't know "cold" and chat them up. Continue your exercise, get plenty of sleep. Accomplish little things--like reading a book or learning a skill or doing well academically--to feel better about yourself.

    Actually, now I've become a bit snobbish (I've been told), but I feel I've had to work harder and go farther than others to succeed as I have. I am 5'11" and 155 pounds. I have a life partner now and my partying days are over, but being the underdog for awhile has given me a broad world view that I think others lack. The key is facing your shortcomings honestly and making the serious effort at self-improvement. It takes time, but continued effort usually gets what you want.

    • Yes, it was only about 2-3 years ago when I weighed about 60lbs more. So yes, I'm still getting used to the change. Vegan's too far of a stretch for someone who grew up eating and loving southern cooking. But I have been able to stick to a mostly vegetarian diet.

  • Sounds like things are working out great for you and congrats on the lifestyle change it's not easy. But you can't let the past change the new you your a different more confident person. Use all that rejection as motivation. Be proud of the new you because I went through the same thing. Live in the moment and enjoy your new life.

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