How should I treat him after this painful experience?

Hey guys,

I really need your help!
A few months ago I started dating a guy 5 years older than me - I'm 19 - and it worked surprisingly well. I've never had a boyfriend before so I'm inexperienced.
He put in quite a bit of effort, texting me, going to events with me that he didn't like, supporting what I do. We had regular contact for about 3 weeks, but towards the end, it got weird - he didn't keep his promises to meet up with me, he kind of forgot, though when we met up, he was very interested.
On our last date I found out that his girlfriend had just left him - he hadn't told me before. He said he didn't have feelings for her anymore, but then she went on a trip with him and his friends. He said he'd call me, but didn't. I didn't either - I was starting to feel exposed because I had opened up more than I should have.
I had severe heartbreak but decided to move on.
He once called me two months later in the middle of a Friday night - drunk, obviously - but I didn't pick up the phone because it felt humiliating. I thought if he really wanted to talk to me he would call while being sober - he didn't.
At a house party last week I met him again. I completely panicked because I still had feelings for him and felt really, really stupid. But I calmed down and decided not to talk to him, only if really necessary. He had brought his girlfriend. He looked at me quite a few times but I continued talking to my friends. When he said something to get the attention to him, I just smiled and didn't involve myself in the conversation. But then, when my friends and I were sitting on a couch, he just lied down on top of us - with his head in my lap. I didn't react, but after a while he called my name, grinned and started to talk to me. I smiled in the beginning, but kept my answers short. His girlfriend was looking our way anyway.

Today I wondered if it was mean to be cold towards him. I just don't know anymore.

What do you think? I just want to be free again.


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • It's always difficult to judge a situation when you're not directly involved and I don't want to come across as harsh but here's my opinion: -

    I don't your age and previous experience are really a factor in this instance. It's nice the guy was putting effort in initially but this wasn't maintained, so clearly this was a more of passing thing for him than it was for you. The guy obviously doesn't have the same moral compass that you have and was happy to keep the fact he was in a relationship when you first dating. That for me would ring alarm bells to me if I was in your position. He then takes a trip with his ex and I presume they got back together at some point after that, unless he was with a different girlfriend at the house party you both were at.
    I hate to say it but either the guy was on a rebound, which is not normally a good time to get with someone (I'd ask "when were you last in a relationship" on the first date in future), or he was cheating on his girlfriend in the first place and doesn't care about anyone but himself.
    As far as the drunk phone calls and antics at the party go, I'd say you were best to ignore it, he's just seeing if he can still get the attention he craves.
    My best advice and it may not be what you want to hear, would be to stay away from this guy, it sounds like too much drama & trouble. Easy said than done, I know, especially if you still have feelings for him. I think you're better off with someone who shows people a little more respect.

    As we all do, just take what you can from your experiences try and make the best decisions you can and keep smiling. :)

    • That was a really helpful comment, thank you, you are really nice :)
      It is reassuring to know that others think that his behaviour was not "correct", or at least that it wasn't really my fault in the end.
      At some point I tried to find the mistake in myself, but I understand now that as long as you do what you can and feel is right, you can't be "wrong".

What Girls Said 1

  • Don't waste your time, there are plenty more guys. It's not worth dealing with a guy who plays games and doesn't know what he wants.

    • Ok, I was starting to think if he has good reasons for what he did, but I guess he didn't!