Why is it so hard to get a girlfriend?

I understand it isn't this way for most people, but for some men it really is.

I'm desperate and would legitimately date any woman, so long as we can have both emotional and physical intimacy I don't care about anything else.

I just don't want to be alone.

I literally have a 0% success rate though, no women are interested in me. I can't meet women through friends as all my friends are males who are virgins and social outcasts. Some ways I've tried and failed to meet women...

Approaching strangers during the day.
Online dating.
Joining classes (dance, yoga, languages).

Before anyone asks why its more a combination of factors than any single one, I just have nothing that women value. Little description of myself...

Below average height.
Face is unattractive (big nose, recessed jaws, severe asymmetry, receding hairline).
Shit bone structure (narrow shoulders, wide hips for a male).
Slim, kind of athletic build.
Somewhat intelligent, definitely top 10% of population, probably top 5% (not actually tested but I was among the very top students at my school, especially in maths, despite putting in no effort, not even doing homework or revising for exams, they even gave up expecting me to do any work by the end lol).
Mild social anxiety.
Very depressed.
Overly sensitive.
Lazy/unmotivated for anything.
Very little empathy for anyone but me and others in my situation.
Dislikes socialising (but I attempt it anyway).
Quiet/reserved, even around people I know very well.
Very few hobbies/interests.
No interest in pop culture.
Low paid, insecure job (although competency highly respected by colleagues and management, haven't been fired despite being late every day for the past month, sometimes by several hours lol).
No car or drivers license.
No post high school education (never attended due to depression/laziness and not seeing the point).
Very few friends.

Any ideas what I can do/change to get a girlfriend?


Most Helpful Guy

  • You have some fairly simple problems, actually! Well, simple in concept anyways.

    1.) Self-loathe. You can't even seem to accept your own appearance and bone structure. Honestly, not everyone will find you attractive, but there is no definitive look that would ever be attractive to everyone. Basically, you need to at least somewhat like what you look like - you can't change it anyways!
    Read my question at www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1029148-what-is-confidence-how-would-you-define-confidence for more info.

    2.) "I'm desperate and would legitimately date any woman".
    Nope, nope nope nope nope nope. You should only be interested in a relationship if you actually know someone who you think is worth being in a relationship with. Relationship means that you two mutually admire each other and most importantly, "like each other enough that you would rather live together rather than apart". For that, the perceived positives must outweigh the negatives. Basically what helps is being a generally likeable person, which is mostly achieved my not being a typically hated one. People who are hated are those that are negative and spiteful towards others and cause unnecessary harm. They're not trusted on short nor long term.

    3.) You need to find someone who either shares a portion of your interests, or is similar enough to be compatible with you. I personally found my partner at university, because we were studying the same thing, and our personalities were fairly similar. It really is all about finding a *mutually compatible partner*. Considering you are an introverted loner type person, it's unlikely you'll find a person like thati n a place where mostly extroverts dwell (nightclubs, for example).

    • ^This^

      Couldn't have said it any
      better myself, if I tried.

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    • ... I don't live there, you should be the one to know. Library maybe? Although if you tried to find people to get to know in a library, there's a high chance they are there to read, in which case the right response to getting a contact with them would be something instead of "hey can i have your number", instead, it should be something like "you seem like a really nice person to know, so it would be nice not to lose contact with you - wanna share contacts, phone, email or something?"
      Basically lose the desperation and cue the natural awesome guy who just likes people and would only be together with someone he actually knows. The desperation can cloud your mind really really badly, you need to be looking for naturally occurring relations due to compatible personalities. Friends, and move on from there.

      You might say "but girls only think of guys as friends if they don't want to be more" but that's silly, if you can't trust your partner as a friend, it's a flawed relationship.

    • Honestly, for me, the "getting to know" part was not hard because we were going to the same university, and we had the same classes, so we met up quite often, you didn't need to set up a recurring event to meet because it was already there.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 10

  • You shouldn't change yourself for girls. You should change yourself because YOU want a change. If you change yourself for someone else, it won't last.
    That being said, you have a lot of negative aspects that you should try to sort out before trying to date someone. Try to take care of your depression, anxiety and laziness. They're obviously not good character traits to have in general. And from a dating perspective, it can be very stressful and intimidating to be with someone who has those problems. Laziness is especially bad to have in a relationship, because relationships require A LOT of effort.
    Basically, it just seems like you're not ready to date anyone yet. So try to get a more positive outlook on life, and find something to do that will spark your motivation. Seeing a therapist might help.

    • So I shouldn't change but I should change?

      If depression and anxiety was an easy fix nobody would be depressed or anxious.

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    • Therapists are a crock of shit. Forgot to add that bit!

    • Not necessarily. Talking about your problems might honestly help. Do you have a good friend who's willing to listen? If so, just talk to them.

  • See a therapist. Concentrate on loving yourself first. Find a motivator and get yourself to a place where you're happy being single and content with where you're at with everything else.

    THEN- and only then - should you attempt to find a girl friend.

    • I've had a few therapists in the past. In my experience they are completely useless. This likely comes from my belief that they have 0 understanding of my situation. I'd need to find an unattractive male therapist, who suffered from social and romantic rejection throughout his early life (say until at least my age) otherwise I'd never be likely to build any form of relationship. See 'very little empathy for anyone but me and others in my situation'.

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    • Also does't a huge part of the population not love themselves, ect?

      I don't see why I have to miss out on intimacy because of it.

    • Intimacy is not the only thing in a relationship, though. Nor in a person.

  • If you really want a gf, I think you need to be outgoing, get a job and be motivated with sth in life. Women usually like guys who are self-confident and have a life, and men look for women who are independent and have a life. Find an activity or interest that motivates you (for me it's rollerblading by the river, learning languages and traveling, hiking, capoeira, dance). You need to be able to start a conversation with a woman. Clubs are usually for one night stands, but a class (dance, martial arts...), a course or a dating site might help you to find someone. Go to the gym, get some muscles. Get a new haircut, tight fit jeans, shave off your beard (if you have one).

    • I've got a job. I can start conversations. I've been to clubs, classes and on a dating site. I already have an athletic build. Did you even read the question?

    • Well, maybe you could try 'meetup. com' and sign up with some groups of interest, this way you can start meeting women naturally and build a friendship. If you are self-conscious and do not like yourself, this will reflect on how they will perceive you. You need to be happy with yourself and alone b4 you can be happy with another person. Try to get to work on time and take your job more seriously, and you may get up the ladder a bit.

  • Ok changes
    -be social (yeah maybe hard as you are shy, but the more you socialise the more you will be confident)
    -focus on the strengths you have (dress well) go for regular fitting shirts and a nice pair of dark jeans with nice casual shoes.
    -Walk with confidence (walk tall, walk proud.. Have your shoulders high head straight, don't lean your head down as that makes you look insecure
    -Does it hurt to smile? (Smile lol)
    -Girls like guys who can show emotion (just don't over do it)

    why are you depressed if you don't mind me asking?

  • Be more seflconfident, study, enjoy hobbies, travel, read books, try to be funny...
    be hygienic, believe me the outside looking is not that important. i enjoy more men who have a sense of humor... Brad pitt, di caprio are turn off for me..
    and i love inteligent men. So be positive and do sport, enjoy life..
    Good Luck

  • I think God makes it hard to give ugly girls a chance and also so that people will appreciate the person they are with a lot more.

  • shave all your hair, u'll look cool!
    take care of your skin (girls like clean looking guys)
    there are shoes with hidden heels, maybe you can get a pair or wear running shoes which are usually higher than normal shoes
    attend courses to improve your skill sets (you may meet someone there plus after that you can look for a better paying job and with that you will gain confidence and money which is one of the factors girls look at too)
    exercise (there are short body builders too)
    think positive (there are short girls around for short guys too)

  • Honestly people are right you need to love and accept yourself otherwise how can you expect anyone to love you, if you don't love yourself. You need to change things about yourself or your self-esteem. And when it comes to the desperate part learn to be happy by yourself. Ik being alone sucks but you can be happy without a girlfriend. Don't think "Oh I'll be happy once I have a gf." Be happy now! But why not look for a better job? Work on your appearance. Also don't be so negative about yourself! Don't say your ugly, cuz I'm sure your not! Get that out of your head. Honestly the only thing I see could be an issue is not having a car or a license. Because we know how women are. Even I myself as a girl would probably want the guy I'd like to have his own car. So yeah why don't you have a car?

    • What do you mean 'work on your appearance'? My appearance is bad because of genetics, not anything I've done. How do you 'know' I'm not ugly? You don't know shit.

      I can't even turn up on time to the job I have, there is no chance of me getting a better job.

      You really think being ugly, depressed, quiet, socially anxious, lazy and having nothing in common with 99% of women is less of an issue than not having a car?

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    • You don't even know what I look like lmfao.

      Its like me saying you are 7 feet tall, and whenever you say you're not, me saying you are its just low self esteem making you think you're not!!

    • Ik that I don't know what you look like, obviously. But seriously I'm telling you that you saying your ugly is just low self-esteem that you clearly need to work on because I've been in your situation where I've thought I was ugly but go ahead argue and say you are more! Cuz thats helping you!

  • Maybe try online dating? But no matter what be honest to yourself about what u want or u will end up finding the wrong girl.

    • Try reading the question.

  • How about instead of trying to change to fit the criteria of what most girls want you stay who you are and use that for the one girl that will want you for that. Obviously don't talk to girls about all those problems you think you have, like depression, it will just scare them off. No one likes having to deal with other people's pain. I'm no saying you do that but if you do then don't. If you think your ugly then you'd best chance is with an ugly girl just gonna be honest. Most people tend to stick with someone in the same range of looks as themselves. I use google to answer my dating questions. Look up how to flirt or watch movies that include a lot of it and then try it. If you come across as boring or shy it's a turn off for girls so make sure u have something interesting to say that isn't weird

    • Where is this 'one' girl then? I've literally attempted to meet hundreds (thousands if you count online dating) of women of varying attractiveness with absolutely no success. I genuinely believe there isn't any women attracted to me. There is no evidence that any women find me attractive.

    • Well I don't know what to tell you. If you have no faith in finding a gol then maybe it isn't a girl you should be looking for? Have you ever had thoughts of guys? Cuz that's the only other thing I can think of if you can't seem to find a woman. If you want you can send me a pic of yourself and I can tell you what I think and even give you advice if you like. It's your choice I'm not forcing you

What Guys Said 9

  • You think you don't look good? If you see the way I look, then you'll probably feel that you're amongst the best looking men in the world. This is the reason why I don't even TRY to get a partner, and I don't whine or complain about it. Some men just aren't meant to be with women, and we just have to accept that. People have talked shit about my looks, but I bet they wouldn't be able to compete with me based on intellect. I have realized that I don't really need a woman to 'complete' my life or make me happy. I gave up on women almost 4 years ago, and haven't looked back since then. I don't 'hate' women. But women don't give a crap about me, and I don't give a crap about them. Its as simple as that.

    Your situation is far better than mine (except maybe the job part, because I have a reasonably good job). And you're still quite young, so there's no need to push the panic button yet. The first step would be to let go of your 'desperation'. Women aren't some divine beings for whom you should feel 'desperate'. They're just humans, so don't place them on a pedestal. Good luck!

  • Glancing over the answer comments, it sounds like you have had crappy experiences with therapists, which is unfortunate because a good therapist really would be able to help you.

    All of the things you are describing sound like they're based off of your anxiety-depression. No motivation to do things, self-consciousness about your appearance, intelligent yet unsuccessful, few hobbies or interests, attempting to socialize but finding it unrewarding... Whether medication or therapy will help, you have to do something to get your life together. If you are able to see a reputable psychiatrist or therapist, I think that's what you ought to do.

    Even with those, though, you have to meet them halfway and make an effort to go out of your comfort zone. It probably feels unrewarding to do that if you've tried halfheartedly to go talk to people or join groups, or even if you've really genuinely tried to enjoy those things but still gotten nothing out of them. Maybe medicine will help with your energy level some, but there is no magic pill that fixes everything.

    • I'm willing to see another therapist but I'd only go to someone who has legitimate training and in a field which focuses on altering behaviour rather than talking about shit that happened years ago (so CBT, rather than interpersonal therapy or whatever). I might look into finding someone.

      Also I'm already on anti-depressants (mirtazapine), I went to my Doctor today and have now been changed (venlafaxine), I don't have much hopes for it working though, as I've already tried several others (sertaline, citalopram).

    • Yeah, I've been on a few dozen different pills over the years, and none of them has been especially good. At least having certain ones fail can tell psychiatrists what kind of path to take.

      Some people get depression symptoms from anxiety.

      Also, not that I think you didn't, but with your psychotherapists of the past, did you try to bring up anything in your past that was painful? I didn't at first, but eventually I did, and it was very helpful. Much of a person's poor self-image is rooted in unwillingness to acknowledge painful experiences, whether as the victim or the perpetrator (and the latter is in some ways a victim). If you've already talked extensively about your past and gotten nothing out of it, CBT will probably be better for you, especially with things like going out and talking to people.

  • You have a good list there of things you can work on changing.

    For instance:
    Lazy/unmotivated for anything.
    Very little empathy for anyone but me and others in my situation.
    Very few hobbies/interests.

    Desperation and low self-esteem is not a good formula for attracting women.
    If you find some hobbies and interests you might be considered a more interesting person. You might also have more things to spend time with doing so being alone isn't so hard. Find your passion for something, that will help with the laziness.

    Work on yourself first before you start working on some girl.

    • I don't have a passion for anything though. This is why I have few hobbies/interests. Nothing interests me. I'm 99% sure its caused by depression.

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    • Exaggeration much? I think I'd do what most couples do. Like watch tv/films together, go out for drinks/food, talk, have sex, ect.

    • Yes, I exaggerated to make a point.
      The same way you exaggerate when you say NOTHING interests you I then exaggerate to show you that it is not true. Feeling depressed is usually exactly that, you exaggerate negative things in your mind and forget the positive.

  • No girl wants to date a guy with an absolutely putrid self image... nothing will change until u raise ur self esteem (by focusing on ur positive traits than ur negative ones).

    • I don't have anything women view as positive!

      Even the traits I view as positive women actively dislike (intelligence for example).

    • Intelligence is a positive trait to women that are worth having

    • No, its not.

  • "I'm desperate" -- this may go someway to explaining why you struggle with women. Desperation is not an attractive trait.

    • Neither is being ugly, depressed, socially anxious, quiet, intelligent, short, boring or lazy. I'd say desperation is a result of my circumstances, not the cause.

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    • Nobody knows what opinion I have of myself unless I tell them.

    • Judging by what I've read, your opinion of yourself is at the bottom of the barrel.

  • first, get on antidepressants, ten stop throwing yourself a pity party and put yourself out there, good things will happen if just do that

    • I'm already on anti depressants and have put myself out there many times. Still waiting on those good things.

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    • Anti depressants work only if you actually have a hormonal issue, don't they?

    • yes, but naturally depression comes from a hormonal imbalance in the brain most of the time

  • Go to store > See cute girl> Say hi and give a compliment> Tell her you'd like to go out for some coffee> Get her number> Boom you've got a date

    • I've tried approaching strangers during the day. It got me no dates. Read the question.

    • Bruh you don't need a gf, srsly sometimes you're better off single.

  • we feel the same way bro... too bad we are born this way

  • Start crying bro cos you're gonna live a lonely life and die a virgin.