I just found this website when I googled about abusive gf's and I notice a lot of the people are around my son's age (20) so thought I would ask how you would want your parents to deal with this. I found out last summer that the girl my son is dating is verbally abusive to him, he does not know that I am aware of this, just told him that I am concerned that she is very controlling. She comes across very sweet to everyone and does all of her abuse when they are alone or in text-I found out when she texted something on his phone and I was sitting right next to him and saw it and the language just kept getting worse and he just sat there and kept apologizing to her for being a horrible bf because he went to visit his dorm mates from college for a weekend. (The rest of the summer he spent with her.) At that point I realized that he is not allowed to have fun with anyone but her. I then started seeing very expensive gifts being bought for her for "no reason", I know the reason is anytime he doesn't do what she wants he has to do this to get back into her good graces. I am so upset over this, and I realize at 20 he can date whoever he wants but I think he is also very naive because this is the only girl he has ever dated. Whenever we say anything about her that can be seen as negative, he gets defensive and upset so we have stopped saying anything and he never tells us anything about her or what they are doing. So, do I talk to him, tell him I am concerned, and take the chance that he doesn't talk to me until he goes back to school or do I just keep quiet? I know whatever I tell him he will tell her and she will try to distance us from him, because she told him he must tell her everything to have an "honest" relationship.
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Your son has extremely low self esteem. But is that really surprising? Modern Western culture tells males from a young age that they are scum, that they should feel guilty, and that if a man is in dispute with the woman, the woman is almost always right. Even when it comes to physical abuse against men, there are people (both women AND MEN) that say that he probably deserved it or he shouldn't defend himself. You see this even on this website. It's really sad
It'd be easier for him to deprogram if he was younger. But at 20, it should still be possible. He has to accept that something is wrong, though. I get huge amounts of abuse from women AND MEN for saying that hey it's not acceptable for a woman to hit a man anymore than for a man to hit a woman, for example. Some people just want to be victims unfortunately. You know your son better than maybe anyone. What kind of person is he? You know what I'd say to him? "Son, I know she treats you reall badly. I want you to know that you don't deserve to be treated like that. I love you and I want to help you see the worth in yourself that I see. But I won't and can't force you. So I'll never mention it again if you don't want me to."
One thing's for sure. You will never convince HER that she is wrong. So don't even try with her0