He needs man time. . . how do you deal with this?

I've been seeing someone for a month and a half and he's been consistently pursuing me until recently. I really like him and have stopped dating anyone else at this point.

Last week, he started pulling away. He still responds to every call or text I send, but he doesn't initiate and has stopped being flirtatious in his texts.

I asked him the other night about what's going on as far as this recent distance. He said he's just been busy and enjoys being silent from time to time.

We ended up talking the next night for a few hours. I didn't get any clear answers about where he sees things heading, but he said if we were to be partners, he would need to go into this head space regularly and that lately he's just in a mental and emotional resting state (he described it as feeling "bla"). He calls it his man time. That being said, he's a caring, open, honest, loyal person from what I can tell. He's worth the occasional distance, and I see some benefit for me during this time--so I can take my woman time for myself too.

I don't know if this "man time" is going to turn into him choosing not to pursue our relationship any further and I want to be able to respect that too. . . or he may just take his time and come back full circle--which is what I suspect/hope will happen.

My problem is that I keep finding myself at peace with this whole situation for a while, but then finding excuses within that to reach out to him in between. I'm not asking him for anything or pushing him or getting him to explain himself in any way, but I'll message him with a thought I want to share or just to see how he's doing. . .

I'm wondering how any girls out there stay strong and deal with man time without panicking and pushing him further away unnecessarily . . . and how any guys out there feel about these periods of time.

Girls/guys, what experience have you had with this "man time", how have girls reacted to it and how did that make you (guys) feel in return?


Most Helpful Guy

  • "I don't know if this "man time" is going to turn into him choosing not to pursue our relationship any further "

    A common fear with women, especially if they have abandonment issues. It almost never ever happens this way. 99.999% of the time, he gets done with man-time, and wants us-time again.

    In my experience, when a guy finds a girl who doesn't judge him for his need for man-time, or try to change it or prematurely shorten it, he's more likely to think "This is a girl I could be with, long-term".

    • Yeah you hit the nail on the head. It's taken me a week or so to realize it, but my own insecurity is the only thing making me feel uncomfortable with this. Finally feeling like I can stand tall on my own during this period, leave him that breathing room he needs and trust I've gained a wonderful person in my life and he knows he's gained one in his. :-)

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What Guys Said 2

  • Being in close contact with a woman takes up a lot of time, time that one might prefer to use working on a project or just doing a private activity. When I can, I try to make this time productive not just for myself but for the women in my life by doing woodworking projects and other things that let me make use of my skillset and moderate strength and dexterity.

    A man will be most devoted to the people in his life who help him to respect himself. You may be able to use some of this man-time to get him to work on projects for you that require skillsets and physical characteristics that you don't have. Make sure that the task is not too tedious or one for which the requirements for strength and skill are well under his qualifications or he may become impatient or bitter about the job. Give him a task, give him the specifications that he needs to do it, and then leave him to it. When it is done, be appreciative and reciprocate proportionately - try not to make sex the reward, as this commodifies sex.

    If he's anything like me, this will give him a feeling of purpose and worth, and better secure his love and loyalty for the people he helped. Conflict makes opportunity to prove oneself - villains make heroes possible, rain lets a gentleman share his umbrella, want of a table lets a handyman prove his dexterity, vulnerability lets one show himself trustworthy.

    Let him spend time alone, but don't let him be idle if you can help it.

  • From my experience, i'm very independant myself and there is no such thing as "man time".

    If he really likes you and believes you're worth his time, he would do everything to clear things up with you and invest himself into this instead of... kind of... avoiding you? huhh

    I strongly believe that if you take some distance from this yourself, you will clearly see that a normal man that really likes a girl does everything he can to finally get in a relationship with that girl.

    And to be honest, if you don't like the fact that he does this, and he tells you that it will happen many more times, you shouldn't be dating someone that does something you hate that much...

    There are plenty of men in this world girl, and as I can see you're in the 25-29 range. It's never too late! I mean, at 25-29 you shouldn't be concerned about these things. Just be yourself, tell him the truth, if he can't stop doing this, NEXT!

    Good luck and thank you for answering MY question :)


    • A couple of points to add: 1, He's not avoiding me. In fact, as soon as he realized I was feeling hurt by his distance he made plans for breakfast the next morning. Also, there hasn't been a day since meeting when we haven't communicated and he's never ignored me.

      2, I don't hate distance, I just need reassurance within that. I expressed this to him and he says he values my emotions and honesty and wouldn't want me to act any other way.

      3, I'm not worried about meeting someone. I've had my fair share of relationships. But I do like this person a lot and I wouldn't ask another human to stop doing something that makes them happy. I am evaluating how this could work for me/if it can long term. I'm not fully convinced but I'm willing to be open-minded. I have plenty of time to explore this within my own bounds.

      Not trying to argue. I appreciate your opinion, but I want to make sure it's founded on facts.

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