How to ask a friend out on a date that has rejected you once before?

How would one go about asking a girl out that has said no to you before, on the grounds that she doesn't want to lose you as a friend. She says that you wouldn't want to date her. She tells you about how her last boyfriend treated her badly and she's been hurting from it. Afraid to try again and that she just wants friendship right now... Though she's always whining about not being able to find someone to share life with.

How should I go about asking her out on a date? How can I show/tell her that things will be different and that if it doesn't work out, that we will still be friends. Relationship doesn't have to change if she doesn't want to it, but that she should at least take a chance. I am not her ex. I truly care for her and want to see her happy. Not fake happy like she is right now, but really happy.

My friend says she's not attracted to me, but she likes me a lot.

She tends to distance herself with me whenever she gets to close. Everytime she takes 3 steps forward, she takes 2 steps back. Her family, and our friends all tell me to just have patience, which I do, but I just can't keep watching her look so unhappy.

We had a bit of a fight 2 months ago and she hasn't asked to hang out with me since then. Whenever i've asked her out to just hang out and do something she's said she's busy and that was that. Only recently has she accepted my offer to hang out. The first time being at my place for drinks. To which she stayed the night in my room rather than on the couch. Second time was to a movie for her birthday, which was to be just the two of us, but she turned into a group event and invited a guy she recently made friends with on POF. Knowing this would bother me, I have a feeling she's doing this to test me. Or so one of her friends has mused. Since she too knows that I like her/my friend. And then she's included herself into plans for my birthday and invited me to go with her to our hometown for Christmas for a week.

What can I do/say so that she understands that I am wanting to share in her life together. Even if its only going out on a few dates and finding out it doesn't work out and just stay friends. She's always happy when I'm with her. Smiling and laughing
I understand that this might come off as a bit clingy/needy but that is not the case. I just have a lot on my mind right now and tend to overthink things. On that note, how would I go about it in such a way as to not come off as clingy/needy?
The guy that she invited and had accepted, didn't show. Don't know the reason for him not showing up, but its probably she told him he couldnt spend the night at her place after driving 1hr just to have drinks and bowl. Instead she slept at my place
We also had a great talk. Found out where I stand and that in time she'll be the one to determine when its a date when we hang out.


Most Helpful Girl

  • No move on. There are some women who just like to have this type of platonic boyfriend (not friend as they treat them like boyfriends but without the physical contact) You just focus on yourself and I am poitive when she sees you have moved on and focus on other women she will probably get jealous.

    • You're right. I have been focusing on myself lately. She does start to initiate and show interest with me more whenever she hears that I've gone out with friends or when I'm out for drinks with a woman. Same thing happens when she's out for drinks with guys too. She'll text me asking how I'm doing and we'll have a conversation.
      She also likes to try and make me jealous whenever we hung out. Which is one of the reasons we had that fight 2 months ago.
      I'm willing to wait for her to be ready to elevate this platonic relationship to something more. Sure it might make me go insane, but sometimes its worth the insanity.
      Since I've been less aggressive and more passive, she's shown a slight increase in interest with me. When she turned the "movie date" into a group hang out and invited a guy friend that she's only known for a couple months. She asked me if she could come to my place afterwards for drinks and if she could spend the night. She knows my roommates will be away at the time to.

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    • As long as you do your own thing you can also keep her in your life. But don't bend over backwards for her. Like you say if someone comes along and you are smitten about her and she's about you than you should definetly go for it. From what I read you cater to her wishes more than she probably does to you. I also don't like the fact that she's playing games with you: first she invites you to go on a movie date, changes it into a group thing and invites another guy (not a friend?) and than she basically invites herself to your birthday and invites you for a week trip to your hometown. I would not accept this kind of mixed messages behaviour.

      Friends usually can see the things you don't. Trust your friends in their advice. They can give better advice than us because they know her and have seen her. What do your friends advice?

    • I invited her out for the movie, for her birthday. She decided to make it a group thing. Which I'm okay with. No harm there, just a bit hurt, but I understand the reasoning behind the change. It is her birthday. She should be able to hang out with more than just me. The guy she invited is a new friend. I think they've only met once before.

      My friends advice is just to be passive. Let her come to me. The groundwork is there, I just need to let her make the next move. I have to let our platonic relationship progress naturally.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 3

  • Don't ask her out. she's already rejected you and doesn't want to date you. you are in the friend zone and you will never get out. either be her friend or back off

    • She's been giving off signals lately. She's also not the type to sleep at a guys place... even if they are just friends. And has been asking my roommate about me lately as well. My female roommate. She also asked me what I was doing this summer. And knowing she's going on vacation makes me wonder what she's thinking. Again... I know I got to let her make a move now but she's the shy type.

      Basically I'm her safety net. Whenever she's out drinking she usually ends up texting me and telling me how great of a friend I am. Once she even kissed me. As her friend put it once... she's afraid of letting herself be hurt again. She trusts me but doesn't trust herself with me.

      I am willing to wait.

    • She also insisted that I stay up and watch the sunrise on the beach with her, the night she stayed overnight. As she has never done that with anyone before. Even her mother has told me to just give her time... and had fanned the flames a few times. Usually insisting on her to go with me somewhere. At times even willing to pay out of pocket for the movie or w/e we do. Once even suggested we all go for dinner one night. So again I am confused as to what to do.

  • Don't, she already made herself clear.

    • Actually. A friend of hers, that happens to dislike me, has suggested that I just wait a bit longer before asking her out on a date myself. She's apparently been talking to her friends about me lately and has been asking my roommates (I have a female roommate, and a male roommate) questions about me as well. Good things too. So right now its just a waiting game. Besides, as her friend put it, she wouldn't be making plans months in advance, or wanting to spend the night at my place on multiple occasions, if she didn't like me. She's afraid of being hurt and she's wanting to set the pace. I just got too aggressive after the rejection and nearly lost her when I got a bit clingy due to a slight onset of depression brought on by bad timing on my part. Which has passed. Thankfully.

      She was out with friends drinking a couple nights ago and literally called me up to just to say that she wished I was there. I know she wants me to let her come to me first this time.(she told me so).

    • ... I just am looking for advice on how to proceed in such a way that allows me to gauge her interest in going out on a date. A way to pick up on the subtle cues that she'd be leaving. I don't know... It seems like a lot of stress over one woman, I know, but she's worth it.

      Besides I've gone out with other women recently for coffee and I haven't felt anything with them as much as I do when I'm with her. So I can kinda tell what I want. She's also gone out with other guys for coffee and each time she has, lately she texts me. She texts me just to talk, and shows interest in me. A few times she has come over to my place for a few drinks to just relax after the "coffee date" as well. And a few times she's even asked me to come meet up with her so that we can just hang out at the beach and watch the sunset.

      A lot of this is what friends do so I do know that its not saying that "shes wanting to date me". But rather that she enjoys my company. Which she does. She feels safe with me..

  • You don't.

    She's been trying to let you down gently, admits she isn't attracted to you and is throwing out every excuse under the sun to get you to not give her romantic attention.

    You may have to stop being friends, but I see no mixed messages here. You're going to drive yourself insane by making her reject you over and over. Find someone who is excited to be with you instead.

    • Actually... she was the one inviting me out all the time. Movies and stuff. Until the fight a few months ago, thanks to a friend of ours that spurred it. But so far things are going well.. back to normalish. Today, an hour ago she texted me if I wanted to meet up for drinks tomorrow after work...

      Also her best friend that Dislikes me is starting to talk to me more... So Idk. I will just play it passive and let her come to me.(She literally told me to do this a couple weeks after the fight)

    • It just seems healthier to expend all this emotional energy on someone who isn't all over the place.

    • While yes I am seeking something more with her, I am not taking myself off the market. I still meet new women and hangout with friends. There was a period where got a bit clingy with her because I couldn't tell if she wanted to cut the friendship or not... But then she gave me my answer when she came to my place to drink, and then she spent the night. She likes to give herself an out. But usually they are weak if she's wanting to say yes...

What Guys Said 5

  • Sir, your feelings and infatuation for this woman, not to mention the pedestal you've placed her on, has influenced you to become an incurable optimist. She simply has a je ne se qua that you cannot shake free of.

    Therefor, you are reaching for a sign, any sign, that conveys your feelings for her are reciprocated. When she invites you to hang, dials you up, or inquires about you, your initial and only conclusion for this seems to be, "she is starting to come around." Which may or may not be accurate. But, in fairness to her, her actions as described, I believe, are undistinguishable from those of a platonic friend.

    And so I ask, if you truly believed she is implicating interest in you by her actions: making plans to spend time with, sleeping over, etc., why then do you seem uncertain and hesitant about asking her out on a date again? Why do you feel the need to express your interest in dating her or sharing her life with? That is, since she is aware of it.

    I'm assuming that deep down, despite efforts to convince yourself otherwise, you are aware that there is a strong possibility that you will, once again, be left disappointed.

    In any case, prior to spending vast amounts of time with her and potentially becoming more attached to and focused on her, I suggest that you find out where you stand with her, personally.


    • I haven't exactly put her on a pedestal. Thought it may seem like it. Its more of a Joie de vivre when I'm with her though. That I'll agree with.

      I hit a bout of depression a few months ago brought on by the anniversary of the passing of a friend of mine, prior to the fight, and I was afraid of losing her as a friend after the fight for some reason. Which of course wasn't the case. But in my mind I was losing people I cared about. So I was trying to aggressively keep her around. Which was the wrong thing to do as it pushed her away. We got past that last month when she told me that I was being stupid and that she considers me a great friend, while we were watching the sunrise, before she made plans in adv with me. After that my depression subsided.

      The reason for this question is because I became a bit of an overthinker/over analyzer when it came to her. Lost the confidence it what we are.

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    • Thanks for clarifying things for me. And for that I now better understand you. In this case, since she is likely carrying baggage and residual feelings from her past relationships, my advice to you is, continue to allow her to recover and heal at the current pace. Continue to be patient. Continue to be supportive of her. Then, if and when you feel she has improved to be in a successful relationship with you, revisit asking her to hang and how she feels about taking things further. If you feel that she is worthy of waiting for, who am I to judge you.

      Nonetheless, I would like to extend my condolences to you. I can relate to losing individuals whom are very important to you. I hope all works out for you.

    • Her last few relationships ended badly. She usually stays friends with her ex's but her last one is different. She cut all ties with him. He left her for a friend of theirs. Cheating on her basically. Not only that but he was mentally manipulating her. So she feels like she is still damaged. She's looking for "the one". She has a hard time moving from friendship to something else because of this fear that she will just be hurt again.

      Which is why all I want to do is let her realize that I am not like her past relationships... hell my sister was emotionally and mentally abused by her last boyfriend for a year before she finally had the strength to involve me. So I fully know what my friend Is going through. Hell my last gf cheated on me with my best friend and tried passing the kid off as mine. So again I know full well the pain it can cause. I moved on. I want to help her move on too.

      Also, she trusts me. But doesn't trust herself with me. Something she has said once before.

  • You're in the friend zone and won't get out unless she lets you. Nagging her about it will not increase the likelihood of that happening.

    Get over her, find someone else, you are wasting your time and pissing her off by persisting.

    • Yes, I am in the friendzone. Have been for a couple years now. I haven't asked her out for a date or nagged about it since the beginning of august. I don't plan on it anytime soon. I am merely figuring out my best course of action based on the new data that she's been providing me with. Which is to say from these opinions.. that I should be passive and let her come to me if she wants to. I'm just currently overthinking everything and needed this as a shock to my system.

      I am looking for someone else at the same time. Hell I'm going out for drinks with someone tonight who happened to have asked me out. So its not like I'm stuck on this girl. I'd just want to give it a shot with her. Friendship would still be there even if it didn't work out. Thats really all I'm trying to get across to her since she's afraid that it'll ruin the friendship that we have.

    • Good for you moving on. Sure, it might be great if your friend would go out with you, but she has to be a willing participant. She knows you have this interest and she doesn't reciprocate it, so all you can do now is get on with your life and it's up to her if she comes to you.

      You think that the friendship might continue if you were to try and then break up hasn't occured to her? Maybe she doesn't think it's worth the risk - you don't even know how or why you'd break up with her, maybe you'd be mad at her and want nothing more to do with her?

      You seriously need to drop this topic before you ruin the friendship you have without even getting some dates out of it.

    • I am dropping it, for now, It'll be tough, but I really just have to let it happen naturally if it were to happen. Y'know. Thats all I can do. Thank you.

  • I'm not reading all that but it might just be better to "go out" and do stuff instead of saying it's a date. Maybe doing things together just you and her will make her realize your not that bad a choice. Don't pressure it, just normal things like eating out, movies, going to the park. After doing these this together for a while maybe she will think of you different. Not promising anything though

    • No no, thats good advice. Thats what we used to do before the fight we had where words that we didn't mean were said in spite. I'm just trying to figure out how to get back into it without forcing anything and pushing her away.

    • Say your sorry and apologize for what ever got y'all in a argue ment. Even if it was her fault just talk to her and get passed it

  • I live by a rule that I won't ever ask a girl out twice.

    Now if you want to be Mr Persistent and continually ask or ask her twice, then that's your call, but be prepared for the same response each time.

    If I was you I'd just keep her as a friend and pursue other women and if she wants more than friendship then I'd let her come to me and tell me what she wants.

    Speak or forever hold your piece.

    • I'm going to just let her come to me. I may probe and prod now and again. But for the most part, I enjoy her company. As she does mine. I just over think too much. Which is why this question was posted.

  • If you continue on your present course, you'll find you're the only one walking it - Benjamin Hornigold

    I've been down this road before. Doing the same thing won't change anything. I've heard advice that says you have to demonstrate to her that you are a man of value. You have to demonstrate that you are going places in life, and that other women find you attractive. That is the advice I heard, and I give it to you. Good luck.

    • Sounds like good advice and advice I've read somewhere before... she has told me that I need to make more friends... basically telling me that she wants me to be less available. Whenever I've been less available to her she's usually wanting to hang with me... Which is easy but hard since I like to keep my circles small... and I work from home as a freelancer.

      I've also been told that I can be a bit aggressive and that I should be more passive. Which I can definitely do. And has been working just not as well as I was hoping it would.

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