My date stood me up after initiating and making plans for the date. Is this a "pump and dump" MO?

I've gone out with this man on 3 dates. He's the one who has pursued me from the start. He approached me, asked for my number, asked me out, planned our dates, kept asking me out after every date. He was the one who always initiated contact. On date 3, I slept with him. Though he seemed to be a decent guy, because of what I had heard about the dating scene in this city and the hookup culture in this country, I was kind of worried about being pumped and dumped. But he kept communicating after that. Still texted me every day, initiated everything, asked me out again for a 4th date.

Here is where it gets murky. All week long, he was texting me about plans for the date. The night before the date, he even texted me a reminder of the date. The day of the date, I didn't hear from him until about 15 mins after our meetup time. He said he wasn't feeling well, had fallen asleep, and when he texted me, he had just woken up. He did say he felt terrible and asked to reschedule. That was on Sunday. He asked to reschedule for Tuesday.

I was so pissed and hurt and felt disrespected that I never responded. He has not texted me anything else after that. That was on Sunday, it's already Wednesday. Now I'm having mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel like I should just completely disconnect from this guy because I don't want somebody flakey. On the other hand, I am still interested in him because up until Sunday, he had always seemed like a pretty solid guy to me.

I don't know, though. The fact that he hasn't attempted to contact me again says to me that he's not that into me. I mean ok, I never responded to his text about the cancellation and rescheduling. But at the same time, I feel like the onus is on him to reinitiate contact since he was the one who, hello?, stood me up!

Any insight, especially from men? Is this the dude's way of pump and dump, you think?

Glad I posted here and asked guys' opinions. My girlfriends were, like, "Ignore him!" At first, I felt justified because I was really upset. I mean, I was really looking forward to the date, you know? But then I started having this feeling that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong, and if I put myself in his shoes, then I would see my cold shoulder treatment as selfish. The guys here basically confirmed that. So I messaged him. Hopefully, I didn't fuck it up permanently.


Most Helpful Guy

  • It could be, but it would be unusual. Normally, the "pump and dump" means after you have sex, you never hear from him again.

    This guy continued contact afterwards, initiating contact a number of times and setting a date, etc. I'd be inclined to believe he was telling the truth, because if he was intentionally going to dump you, there would have been no reason to waste all of his time setting up the next date. Heck, he wouldn't have wasted time telling you he wasn't going to make it - he'd have just not shown up. Plus, he asked to reschedule.

    IMO, you were WAY over-sensitive and not nearly understanding enough that in the real world, stuff happens. It's good to pay attention and be cautious, but nothing about what you wrote describes a typical player. I think the timing of the reschedule was just unfortunate - everything else was your overreaction.

    • So you mean I fucked up by not responding? Shoot. I'm new to the dating scene after a divorce, and I've just heard so many dating horror stories that I admittedly have gone into heart-protection mode.

      So should I reinitiate contact?

    • So I can't expect him to reinitiate contact even if he is into me?

    • You need to initiate. You left him hanging, and that sent a clear signal to him that you are upset/angry with him, so he's going to leave you alone until/unless you respond.

      And you'll quickly figure out if he's happy to hear from you or no longer cares. But, yes, you fucked up. There's probably time to fix it, though.

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What Guys Said 3

  • I can't say that I'm familiar with the "pump and dump" MO, but I am definitely familiar with not feeling well and accidentally sleeping through things. I'm also familiar with women not responding.

    The type of guy who lies about his intentions in order to sleep with women probably wouldn't wait around for a second date, let alone a third date, if the first date didn't bring him any action. My guess is that, if you had a few good dates and things seemed to be going well, he probably felt pretty awful about what happened. When you didn't respond, he probably thought you were pissed and that he'd ruined his chances for another shot. If he texted you again, he'd probably feel like he was harassing you.

    If you want to see him again, you're going to have to make the move. I assume that he knows you're divorced? I don't think there's anything wrong with being diplomatically honest with him. I'd say something like, "Hey, sorry I didn't text back on Sunday. To be completely honest, I got worried that it was your way of saying you didn't want to see me anymore. My dating skills are rusty and I had a little crisis of confidence. I've had a great time with you and I'd like to see you again if you're still willing."

    There are three possibilities that could come out of this:

    1) He doesn't respond at all, in which case, you move on.

    2) He tells you that he can't date someone who's that insecure, in which case, you're probably better off finding someone with a little more patience, given your situation.

    3) He says yes, and you can continue going on dates, only now he has a better understanding of your needs.

    • Ok, I sent him a message, like you and the others suggested. Here's hoping for the best.

  • If I'm that guy who fucked up and overslept/was sick. But apologized and tried to reschedule but never heard back from you I may assume you've moved on and don't want anything to do with me anymore.

    • So the onus is on me to reinitiate contact then?

    • It's is now I think. He tried to reschedule but you never got back to him

  • He was sick. He text you and asked for another date , you no reply. what do you think is going to happen of course he's not going to text you again you didn't reply he doesn't want to come off as a crazy stalker guy. You over reacted by being angry at him for being sick sounds pretty selfish you didn't even ask to see if he was ok you just cared that you didn't get to go on a date. You blew it


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