How do I explain to my boyfriend that past experience keeps me from getting intimate?

So I've just started dating my boyfriend Alex. We started making out the other day and he was trying to take all of my clothes off I asked, if we could just stop there. He stopped but I could tell he was a little annoyed. This isn't the first time I've stopped things and I can tell he's getting anxious. But my damaged self esteem makes me shy.
Growing up I only had my dad, and he was mean to me a lot. I wasn't the skinniest girl back then, but he would always pinch my belly and tell me I was fat. Or hed tell me that guys think fat girls where ugly, and he'd always say I needed to loose weight. He also called me ugly a lot. Because of this I started closing off and becoming quite, while just accepting his comments. Eventually my self esteem got ruined and I became so quite that I didn't talk to any guys (which just made me more self conscious because I assumed they where disgusted with me)
But I've lost weight since then and I've become more happy and open, but when it comes to getting intimate I'm really shy. I feel that once he sees me he'll be disappointed or think I'm ugly and leave me. I'm also afraid that once he has sec with me he'll leave (I always assume he'll leave me for someone prettier). Overall my self esteem is just ruined. And I want to tell him but I don't want to scare him away. So how do I tell him without really saying it?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Tell your boyfriend exactly what you typed up here. I'm sure he'll be understanding with you telling him, and it'll help him also get why you're so shy/closed off to him when you guys are getting intimate.

    At teh beginning of the relationship with my current boyfriend, I sort of had to do the same thing. I was very distant and hesitant to open up even on a personal level, as my ex had led me on for a long time, as well as treated me disrespectfully when it came to sex. I felt terrible for being not so open to my boyfriend who was the biggest gentleman at all times, so I just told him, hoping he'd understand that it had nothing to do with sort-comings with himself.

    It felt much better afterwards. He was totally cool with it, and it helps for both partners to know each other's history when it comes to things like that as it makes it easier to navigate around certain topics more appropriately.

    • I agree my gf hannah knows my past and i hers when we started dating she was pretty closed off because her ex and his friends raped her when she was younger.

      So from experience if he loves you he will give you all the time you need i did with it Hannah and it actually made us stronger and now we can talk about anything

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What Guys Said 2

  • Honestly I would not tell him. You need to try to change your attitude here.

    You are denying him before he can deny you.

    If he has spent any time with you he knows what your belly looks like. What is most unattractive of all is your insecurity.

    He is the best possible audience for your body ever. He is not looking for flaws. He is looking for things he likes. Give access with a smile. He will find the best parts and ignore the rest. Honestly.

    Try to lose the insecurity and let go. He already knows what you are built with - he still wants to see the details. Let him see.

    Bringing this up is going to make him tell you it's not an issue. You won't believe him and every time he tells you you are hot pretty whatever- you will think he is just saying it because of what you shared.

    Don't share it. Let yourself go. He is your most favorable audience in the world. He just wants the green light.

    • The sad thing about it is he never he calls me pretty know I still don't believe it

  • Say it straight like that! If you could type it, then tell him and if you can say it text it. Don't worry about him looking annoyed, it's the blue balls doing that. Also, please talk to a professional about these issues and I'm sure they'll be resolved. Best of luck to you!

    • Why would I see a professional?

    • Show All
    • No because he had a trip, but he gets back tomorrow and I'm planning on telling him

    • Good luck and I wish you the best

What Girls Said 1

  • You might want to just be (comfortably) honest with him. Tell him just enough to explain, and let him ask questions (only answer what you're ok with, and only let him ask questions if you feel ok answering them).
    If you're sure you can trust him, tell him how you feel and he should understand and take things slower.