Advice on pursing a 23 year old woman, who I'm convinced is the love of my life?


She started working at our office a few months ago, and I didn't really notice her at first. She grew on me in a huge way. Her personality is delightful, and we have a ton of common passions. Basically we have the same perspective on almost everything.

She loves to be teased/argued with... we have this ridiculous banter/chemistry at work sometimes. There isn't any doubt in my mind that we'd make an incredible match.

Here's the catch: She already has a boyfriend. Honestly, whatever, they always do - so I didn't think much of it. I went ahead and told her how I feel about her, and we talked about it for a bit, but nothing has really happened. I told her I was going to move on because she wasn't ready, and she told me "he's what I need right now" or something like that.

I've met the dude, and seen them interact. There isn't any of the passion/chemistry that her and I have. There is a whole other level of energy that we share between us - and I desperately want to bridge that gap and make us a real thing.

What's your advice? Should I just let it go? Why?

Should I pursue other girls and make her jealous?

Should I keep making our chemistry solid, and just kiss her out of the blue sometime? When the moment seems right?

I don't want a cheater, but I want her all to myself. What are your thoughts? Can you help me get this girl to understand how incredible we'd be together? Or am I out of luck? Tell me your reasoning.

Thank you.

I'm 29, by the way.
Not interested in her cheating on him with me.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Well... I am kind of in the same situation. But I love my boyfriend dearly and would never dream of cheating on him or leaving him for another man even if we do vibe really well together. I say keep your distance. This can turn into a very ugly and dramatic love triangle. If they're not meant for each other they may break up. But that's not your concern. Date other girls and get your mind off of her.

    • Duly noted. I have another girl I can chase, and will. I am not interested in any kind of triangle... I want her to leave him - and make it clear to me that she wants to be mine. And then all these things, feelings, ambitions I have for her and I will actually make sense.

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    • Okay - thank you for your input.

    • Seems to be working alright; but she will come and seek me out. She wants to chat, or eat lunch together, etc. Should I establish boundaries - basically telling her "No." because she won't be with me? What are your thoughts?

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • well, if she really is a good match for u, i say don't give up. I mean having a bf is not like being married, but of course not in the sense of talking bad about the guy or do anything harmful. just be urself and she may realize it later.
    I can sense that u r honest and like to push ur ideas and promote them probably bcz u believe in them strongly. keep the analysis for urself and don't scare her away by them as they may not be 100 % true and u may seem desperate.

    finally, u r smart and u can do it! just play a little mysterious, give her less attention every now and then, girls love those games

    • When I pay attention to her roommate, and not her, I think it drives her crazy. Like, I was shielding her from my view intentionally the other day to like, exclude her from what we were talking about - she can't stand it. More of this is probably in order. =)

      What other games can you think of?

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    • I couldn't figure out how to message you - but thank you very much for your input. I haven't given up on her... but I can't focus too much on her until she's willing to leave that guy. It totally sucks, basically - knowing you've found someone you could be with forever, but they haven't realized it yet.

    • I removed the anonymous button if u'd like to message me. anyway I said my name lol

What Guys Said 7

  • I think you have done what you can. Credit towards you for not putting her in a tough situation. No one wants to be cheated on and the fact you haven't put her in a bad situation proves you value and respect her.
    The best thing you can do is just remain friends and see what happens. Sometimes you may be waiting forever for nothing to happen, sometimes it's possible her and her boyfriend break up... But even if the latter occurs most likely you'll still need a hell of a lot of patience for her to get over him.

    Move on if you can but keep friends just in case. You never know. Also I know it's hard but try to keep your feelings down to earth. You may share a connection but it's possible she sees things differently. Some people can feel like that especially if they are in a relationship already. It's nothing against you, it's just the way things are.

    You may think, well. Nice guys finish last, why should I be the nice guy? Well it may be true in some ways, but I think if she was gonna cheat with you, she may cheat on you. Not to mention if you stay back now she will only admire you for understanding and caring later on, if you are lucky enough ever to be together in the future!

    • Thank you for the sincere insight/input on this. I have been the other guy, and I've been cheated on in the past. Do not want either of those things.

      In staying friends with her, I'm having a lot of trouble having any kind of boundaries. Where should I draw the line and tell her "No."? We work together, every day - and are constantly around one another. I'm having a lot of trouble establishing any kind of distance between us.

      Do you think its a good idea to date some other girl and bring her around, so that she'll see I'm in demand and get a healthy dose of jealousy? I've heard this works wonders sometimes.

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    • Maybe talking to her about nice women that you have net may give you more clues.. But the risk of failure is so big if I were you I'd keep her as a friend and move on. Good luck man.

    • Thank you.

  • I think you are in part, delusional.

    She told you her current boyfriend is what she needs right now. That means no.

    You said: "I went ahead and told her how I feel about her, and we talked about it for a bit, but nothing has really happened."

    And then say, "There isn't any of the passion/chemistry that her and I have."

    Is there nothing there? Or is there passion and chemistry?

    Have you considered that her current BF really is what she wants, and if she did leave him for you, she may resent you for that? Reality is cruel, but we must face it.

    • Fair enough, I've considered these things. And I meant no action has been taken, she's admitted to me we've got an incredible chemistry. There ins't any misunderstanding there.

      I was focusing more on the words "right now", as in - she doesn't expect it to last forever.

      Reality is sometimes the worst and facing it is a daily challenge.

  • Hey, I think you should focus on other women. This girl has interest in you. Here's why, moved too soon. Bared your soul, and women get freaked out by guys who spill there guts , that there not interested in, you say you have chemistry, but what about her? She told you her boyfriend was what she needed right now, how could this be chemistry, your flirting and getting yourself worked up and going home empty handed. She is hot and bothered going home to her man who is laid back and a mystery. You revealed your feelings too soon, at work with a co-worker, never eat where you take a dump. I would hang back be cordial with her and wait until she is single then ask her for her number, then get a date. Otherwise find your own chick and leave her alone.

    • Fair. But man, if you'd seen her face light up when she realized what I was talking about. That sh*t was confusing. I've never seen anyone so excited. Like she was thinking "finally, this is what I wanted to hear... " etc. She wasn't freaked out, she looked ecstatic.

      At the same time, she's not coming home to me. So that's a fair assessment.

      You're probably right, and I'll probably end up pursuing other girls. It's just damn hard to put any distance between us because we are face to face every day.

    • I know bro but she is a nice girl and women are good at making faces and pretending... so I heard... lol 😁 anyways be cool with her never mention feelings with her and if she say you changed your not so talkative , make a joke and say something clever anything to make her laugh like " I been using body Language all day, everybody else heard it!" Then smile and then walk away. Dont be cold to her cause if you ever have a chance later, and you were a douche bag to her, shell remember and you'll never get that chance. Play mysterious, hang back, and do your thing.

  • Don't do it. Find another one. I've been with several girls with boyfriends and just avoid them all together now. She'll break up with him then want time to be single and find someone else OR your new girlfriend will be a cheater. If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you.

    I know this because I was in a very similar situation twice. It's not worth the headache or heartache. Also, would you want someone doing that to your girlfriend?

    • Same, lived that. Dont' want a cheater, and don't intend to be anyone's "on the side" dude. I want her to see the difference between a 5 and a 10 on the "life satisfaction" scale and make it clear that she wants to be mine. Legit, no cheats.

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    • Let her come to you. In the meantime, explore other opportunities. Set boundaries for yourself and your relationship with her.

    • Word.

  • I don't anything good man can come from trying to get a girl that's already in a relationship. Karma is real

    • Yeah, so what's a good route to go? Stay friends, get my mind off her - whatever?

    • I know its gonna hurt but you gotta stay friends I speaking from personal experience man the stuff hurts but until she becomes single you gotta let her go

  • I avoid girls like this

    • I didn't get into her on purpose, just happened. Why do you avoid? What do you mean "girls like this"? Has that worked for you?

  • Move on boy

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