How do find happiness in the guy I am about to settle for?

I have a lot of pressure to get married, to be honest I have never really had even one succesful dating experience. So I am giving in to being set up by my parents. The last guy I fell in love with (the only guy I really fell for) rejected me after a yr of us getting close and it was due to me being older than him (4yrs). I guess I made a mistake there but we did everything for each other and it was just right, I guess if he really liked me... the age wouldn't have mattered.
Anyway, after never managing to find what I was looking for. I think I should give this guy a chance and give up on (perhaps) unrealistic dreams.
I am always told I'm very beautiful and a nice person. I am intelligent and I guess on the surface I seem fine, but there must be something wrong with me since I am 26 and single... ready to settle for someone I'm just not feeling it for. He is a great guy, a fun guy but I just don't feel anything. I always wanted a guy taller, I know it seems superficial but looks matter to an extent. I was never out to find george clooney but I always wanted to find someone who would compliment me and actually someone who I found very sexy (regardless of what others thought). But alas, I am alone.. as always. This new guy is fun and talks a lot but I sometimes just don't find our conversations interesting. He is a great guy and my parents keep pressuring me too since they inrtoduced us. I said he was a little short, my mum shot me down and said well his personality matters. I said I want someone I find wonderful, she said you can't have too many high expectations. I guess by now she is right, everyone around me is hitched... I know I can't find someone easily and perhaps it just doesn't exist so why should I forego a great guy who might be ok enough? Any help on changing my mentality so that I give him a fair chance?


Most Helpful Guy

  • If you settle for someone who you're just not feeling it with, you're gonna regret it later in life. It's not going to work, it will make you miserable. It's also very selfish, as he deserves someone who likes him for real.

    Don't let your parents or expectations of society pressure you into a marriage that is not based on you both really really REALLY wanting to be married to each other. It will make you bitter and unhappy and one day you WILL leave him. You are the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices, so make sure your choices are your own. Marriage is difficult even when people want to be married, when they don't it's just a sad pretend.

    If you're having a really hard time finding someone, why not look for help in figuring out what it really is that is stopping you from finding a guy. Get a dating coach and take an honest look at your life, the vibes you send off to other people, your communication skills etc. Are you approachable? Are you living a life another person would want to be a part of? What places do you go to to meet people? What can you do to improve you dating life? Are you desperate? (Desperation drives people away)... You're WAY too young to give up on love. You just need to figure out what it is that isn't working for you at the moment, and change it. Good luck!


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What Guys Said 4

  • If you're not all that attracted to him now, time is only going to make you notice it more. Please, if you care about the guy (even as "just" a person), tell him your true feelings. Your parents may have introduced you two, but it's you that's going to live with him. The good and the bad. You're 26, and single. I'm 35 and single. Tbh, I really do want that one gal in my life and my parents have tried to set me up to gals I'm not attracted to (showed me a picture). They've said the same things you're saying as in "don't have to high expectations." I'm not budging.

    When I went home for Thanksgiving, my dad asked if I was gay. I just said "no." They've never seen me bring a gal home to meet them. Quite frankly, yes it would be "easier" to "settle." In the long run I would just be looking around. In my heart, I couldn't do that and I know what that could lead to.

    • Finally someone in the same shoes, how do you keep hope? Have you ever met a nice girl?

    • And how long have you been single? I have been ever since I started noticing boys

    • Honestly, I just take it one day at a time. Sure, I have my doubts, we all do. It's part of the human condition. I've met a couple nice girls and have a few "incidents" that I'll always remember (you can PM me if you want to know more... I just don't want it all displayed for all of GAG to see). I've never had an "official LTR." I've dated here and there.

  • Don't settle for someone YOU didn't settle for. Fuck what other people think. They aren't the ones getting married.

    You, love who you love and you can't help if your physical, mental, or social standards are included in your selection.

    Don't. Settle.

    • But I also can't find anyone, what if it never happens anyway?

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    • And let me put it this way, Love isn't comparable to any worldly thing you think you can describe.

      Your choice really, you seem to already have your mind set. On negativity. Just because shit hits the fan doesn't mean you let it get all over you.

    • I don't think you're capable of getting it. I'm not negative actually. My friends even say that I hardly crib or whine about it. But right now I have reached a point where I need to stop being my own enemy. How can I keep looking for something that doesn't exist? If I had ever experienced love, I would have known it will happen again. I just don't have that timeline behind me. Why is it so wrong to become like this? I would be honest with the guy, why don't I have the right to even find compatibility to make this life's journey easier? So many people do this, I always thought my positivity and patience would help me find someone. I realise everyone around me is finding it and I'm not. It all happens at random, all kinds of people find it. I don't know what else is left to do? You suggest I die alone? I'll die now then.. whats the point if you have no one to share your existence with.. I have been positive for 8 years, it wears out..

  • If you don't feel into him then be up front about it. I would imagine there is nothing worse than being completely in to a girl and then her not even be polite enough to tell him her true feelings. Not to be an asshole but even mentioning the fact you think you should "settle" because Of your age is extremely selfish and unfair to the person you are with. I don't feel like a person should get married with ideas in their head such as "man this guys just plain eh let's give it a shot because I'm under pressure!". You need to be head over heels for him and he needs to be the same way about you. The reason why I'm saying all of this is because I am married and of my wife was disinterested in the the whole time like you claim to be I would want her to be up front so I could get on with my life and not be toyed with. Sorry for being a dick but I hope that helps

    • That is precisely why I never gave a guy false hope. This guy is amazing but I just don't feel it. How much am I going to keep rejecting? Perhaps my love will grow for him, I'd stand by him for sure but I know I would give up on my dreams so that I can be with him. Don't so many people do this? They seem happy, why is it wrong for me to give him that chance? I doubt my life will miraculously change and I'll find mutual love. Its never happened, why would it now..

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    • No I get what you mean, but how do we know for certain if its mutual for him? Maybe he is also settling? If he does suddenly fall madly in love, then I'll have to be honest with him. But its his choice if he still chooses to marry me. Out of the billion people, I may never meet the one who would commit to me. Out of all the people I met growing up, not one of the guys wanted to

    • The perfect way to find out his true feelings is by asking him yourself. Communication is the key to any lasting relationship if you keep things from each other at best you have a strong friendship not anything substantial for marriage.

  • Marriage isn't about being "in love". Marriage is a partnership where each person brings something of value to the table. If this guy doesn't add value to your life, then there is no reason to get married.


What Girls Said 1

  • Don't give him a chance I would say. If your marry this guy, it would be a big mistake, the look does matter. I personally also have the same "problem" about the height of the guy. I don't find small/low guys attractive at all.
    If I were you, I would just wait a bit longer.

    • You're younger to me so its ok. I'm sure you have had some success too. If dating was part of a university degree, I would be the biggest failure :P. I wish it was my looks sometimes, so I could blame them but perhaps its something with my personality. My friends love me, guys admire but never want to take me home to mum :P.. except the ones I am not feeling it for

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    • Yeh of course, I'd be honest but if he would say its the same for him and he is willing then isn't that ok? I just think I need to accept reality now and realise that I somehow don't deserve it, or it wouldn't be so difficult for me. The reason I asked this question is so that I change my mindset and instead of seeing it as something bad, start seeing it as something positive

    • Yes, if its okay for him, its great! I wish you good luck!