My "boyfriend" is obviously going through something... He's been distant. Should I ask him about it, or just let it be? I'm trying not to be clingy?

So, I’m in a new relationship with this guy. And it’s obvious to me that he’s going through something bad. I think a friend of his died.
So I’ve known this guy for almost 2 years. We dated for about 3 months in the past, and ended up going our separate ways. Recently we got back together.
He told me that he would be willing to try at a relationship. I asked him if he was sure a few different times, and he kept saying yes. He said “I want to. I’ll try if you try.” He asked me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. He seemed happy about it. Before I left he asked me if he could see me the following night, I said yes.
The next day he never texted me to come over. So I decided to text him And he didn’t text me back until the next day... He told me that he had been busy. And I told him not to worry about. I didn’t bother him again after that, because I felt like he was blowing me off.
A week went by without any contact.. So I decided to text him again. I said “Hey. So I have to ask, did you change your mind or something? It’s okay if you did, I’m not mad. I just wanted to know what happened.”
And he said that he didn’t change his mind, but that he “had a lot going on at the moment”. So I told him that it was okay, and to let me know when he had some free time to hang out. He said “I’m sorry I’ve been distant” and I told him that he didn’t have to apologize. But he never texted me back. He hasn’t texted me since.
Now it’s been a total of 11 days since he asked me to be his girlfriend. And we’ve barely said anything to each other. So I’m pretty sure it’s over before it’s even began.

  • You should ask him about it.
    Vote A
  • You should just leave him alone.
    Vote B
  • I dont know, I just want to see the poll results.
    Vote C
Select a gender to cast your vote:
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Normally I would just let it go, because it’s obvious that he’s blowing me off. But recently he’s been tweeting a lot of depressing stuff. Sounds like his friend died. He said stuff like “I miss him, he was the only one there for me. RIP” and “I feel so alone” “I feel so distant” “I can’t sleep anymore” “I don’t understand myself”. I think it’s obvious that he’s really upset. He doesn’t know I’ve seen those tweets, because I don’t have a Twitter.
So my question is, what do I do? I want to be someone who’s there for him.. But I think maybe it’s too early on in the “relationship” to pry. I think my presence might annoy him instead of comfort him. It seems like he suddenly wants nothing to do with me. Should I just forget about the relationship? Or should I wait for him to get over this and see where we stand? If I wait, how long should I wait? Should I try texting him again? I don’t want to come across as clingy.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I find it interesting that most girls voted to leave him alone. It seems the majority expect if doesn't make the first move or confide then he's just not interested or willing to discuss his feelings. NOT TRUE. I may not be Mr average but this is exactly what I would hate in this situation. There's every chance he's scared of putting you off or involving you when he's in a bad place.

    This, as bad as it may seem is an opportunity to show how much you care and want to help this guy. The fact this bothers you shows you are a very kind person and you do want to help! Despite his situation, these are very attractive qualities in a woman, not to mention having someone to talk to may actually help him!

    If he does say to you he needs time alone then that's a different matter. But I think the opposite way. Show him you care and are there for him and be quite insistent about finding out what's wrong. If he's in grief he won't be thinking straight so a little help from you may make you the light at the end of his tunnel.

    Relationships aren't things that happen with no effort, sometimes you need to be the one chasing him, even if he is a man and you may expect the opposite.

    • I love this answer. You just gave me hope :)
      I definitely care about him a lot, and I want to be the person that he confides in. I just don't know how to let him know that without making him feel that i'm suffocating him. Like I said above, I texted him twice trying to initiate something, and he blew me off. I try not to take it personally, because I think he's depressed. But I'm not sure how to help him.
      One of the things he tweeted was that he feels alone and distant. It breaks my heart. He shouldn't have to be alone. I want to comfort him. But i'm not sure how to start. I'm willing to pursue this, because I can tell he's hurting, but I don't know what to do..
      If you were in my position, what would you do? Should I text him again tomorrow, or wait a few days? Should I just ask if I can come over? I don't want to give him the chance to dismiss me again, before I can sit and talk with him.

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    • Well, last night I decided to try one last time. I called and talked to him for a second, and then asked if I could come over for a couple hours. He said "sure, if I'm home. I'll let you know". He was supposed to text me and let me know, but he never did. So, I've been blown off 3 times now. I'm done, I'm not going to keep hounding him. He obviously doesn't want to see me. It's a shame that he's acting this way, but I don't think he wants any help. I haven't officially ended the "relationship", but I don't think I need to. He's pretty much already done it himself.

      But thank you for your advice :) I think what you said was the right thing to do, and it helped me look at the situation in a different light.

    • Ahh thats a real shame, who knows maybe he will come to you again in the future, but if he continously blows you off when you contact him there's nothing else you can do. You did your best and its his loss at the end of the day. Glad my advice helped you anyway and thanks for updating the opinion :)

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • Talk to him, and if it is in person much better. Ask him what's going on, show him that you want to be there for him. It's not easy to deal with death, and now that he just started a new relationship, things can get even tougher.
    Don't go to him in a defensive way, asking why he ignores you, why he's not trying... be more assertive, more careful with your words, as the reason why he's not paying much attention to the relationship is because of what happened, not because he didn't want to be in a relationship.
    One reason why we get into a relationship is to have one person who we can rely on and trust, someone that's there for us when we're on our worst. You guys just started, so he probably doesn't wanna show this emotions too soon, that's why you gotta ask. Don't pressure him, just show him that you're there. Maybe he doesn't wanna talk right now, but knowing you're there will definitely help.

    • I would love to talk to him in person, it would be easier for me to express that I care that way. Problem is, the last two times I tried to make that happen, he completely blew me off.. it's hard not to take it personally. But I think it's about his friend, not me. Because I specifically asked him if he changed his mind about me, and he said no. And he seemed so happy the night he asked me to be his girlfriend, so I'm going to try and talk to him again. I'm a little worried about him blowing me off AGAIN though.
      But I think you're right. Everyone keeps telling me to break up with him or leave him alone, but that just doesn't feel right. I care about him.
      How long do you think I should wait? Should I text him tomorrow and just ask if I can come over? Im at a loss here..

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    • Well, last night I decided to try one last time. I called and talked to him for a second, and then asked if I could come over for a couple hours. He said "sure, if I'm home. I'll let you know". He was supposed to text me and let me know, but he never did. So, I've been blown off 3 times now. I'm done, I'm not going to keep hounding him. He obviously doesn't want to see me. It's a shame that he's acting this way, but I don't think he wants any help. I haven't officially ended the "relationship", but I don't think I need to. He's pretty much already done it himself.

      If he actually tries to contact me, I'm going to tell him what you said about whatever is affecting him is affecting me, because I care for him. And that I can't live like that. I think that's a good way of putting it. So thank you for your advice :)

    • I'm really sorry that it had come to this, you seem to really care for him and for the reltionship, and to be honest, he's missing a lot if he doesn't try.
      I'm glad I could help you, even if it wasn't in the way I wished for, but maybe when he sees that the relationship is almost over he will realize, open his eyes, and he talks about it... I hope he does.
      Good luck! :)

  • Since his friend passed away i would do something special for him, you should get him his favorite food or something and drop it off at his house.
    Let him know you are there for him if he needs you, when a death occurs sometimes people need time to recover, he has gone to isolating himself, which is not to good.

    • But the thing is, he hasn't told me about his friend.. I only found out because I decided to be nosy and look at his Twitter. If he hasn't even mentioned it to me, maybe he doesn't want me bothering him about it? But at the same time he tweeted that he feels alone. So maybe I shouldn't leave him alone? I don't know.

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    • thats a good ides too

  • Just ask. Confirmation is necessary. Extend offer for presence. Let be.


What Girls Said 2

  • If he couldn't confide in his girlfriend... Even if you two are newly into a relationship then he's already made it clear he doesn't want to include you into his life. If he has time to "tweet" He should have time to confide in his girlfriend who is very willing to be there for him. Leave him be. Let him mourn the loss of his friend.

    • @KillerTaco
      Maybe you're right. But it's hard trusting someone new. And I care about him a lot, but maybe he doesn't know. It's just so new. If you were in my position, would you break up with him? Because I still want to be with him. I think maybe this will pass. Should I wait it out?

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    • @KillerTaco
      I think I'm going to try and reach out to him one last time. I know that It's going to hurt my pride a little if he blows me off again, but I can tell that he's hurting. I think it would be really hard for me to just forget about him and continue on with my life at this point. So I'm going to give it one last shot. I don't want to just leave him in his time of need, ya know. And at least I can say that I tried.
      Thank you for your advice though :)

    • Never intended to imply that's what you should do. I meant to leave the door open for him to reach out to you. Let him know you're there for him by doing a kind gesture. If he responds positively then let that be the catalyst that keeps your relationship going.

  • Hmm toughie
    Let him be for now
    Let him heal. Be there for him but give him space if you know what I mean

    • I don't know how to be there for him, because I haven't seen or talked to him at all. Am I just supposed to wait and see if he contacts me? He said he hadn't changed his mind, but I don't know.

    • Maybe you should end it. Tell him he needs to heal

    • He doesn't even know that I know about his friend. Because he didn't tell me.. I found out by being nosy and looking at his Twitter. And I feel like if I end it, im abandoning him or something. I want to be someone who's there for him. I just don't know how to go about doing that..