Should I tell her about my past before or after getting into a relationship?

I really like this girl and she's one of the first people I've ever trusted in a while. I want to be in a relationship with her but I can't until I've come to terms with what happened to my last girlfriend. My first and last girlfriend killed herself four years ago and I haven't exactly moved on from her not that I think I will ever be able to. This girl that I've recently fallen for is the first girl that has come close to making me forget what happened. I'm really happy when I'm with her but I feel like she should at least know what happened with me. The thing is I don't want our relationship to be because she feels bad for me or something like that. I don't know if I should wait to tell her or let her know before getting involved with her. Any ideas?


Most Helpful Guy

  • First off, let me say how very sorry I am that this is what you've experienced. I too have been through very difficult and painful situations, one of which was about two years ago (not quite like yours, but still EXTREMELY troubling for me) and have often wondered when and how I should tell the next girl I date about my difficulties.

    How long have you been seeing this girl? What makes her special to you? How does she feel about you? If you've been on a few dates but you're not "official" yet, she may sense something (women are more emotionally in tune than we are). At the same time, you may be ready to talk, but she may not be ready to listen, so you need to gauge the relationship. Personally, I think it would be best discussed after you've developed that deeper, more mature, and more unique trust and bond with each other.

    If and when it does come up, start out by saying that you'd been with another girl before. Tell her about how you met, how long you'd been together, just a basic run-down of the relationship. If you don't mind my asking, did your last girlfriend have any problems? Was there a sudden change in her behavior or was it gradual? Did she share things with you? Briefly elaborate on those and then say that she took her own life and put it like that. Don't say "she killed herself", "she committed suicide", etc. "... and then she took her own life". If it helps, one of my teachers in high school had a brother who'd killed himself and when he told the story, he added the qualifier "... in a moment of desperation...".

    Unless it never comes up, i. e., "Hey, I've noticed this about you..." or other history-sharing, I wouldn't recommend telling her out of nowhere. That said, I would tell her fairly early on, but again, not until your bond with each other has become deeper and stronger. Scars are bound to be mentioned sooner or later.

    At any rate, I hope this helped. Feel free to send me a private message if you need anything else.

    • I appreciate your condolences. I haven't been song this girl really, we're just friends right now but I'm want to be more. That being said with my last girlfriend she had leukemia. She was being treated but mid way her family ran into some economic issues. She felt like she was being a burden on them all, even me, and that's why she ended her life.
      I figure you're right and I should just avoid telling her before we actually get close enough to have that conversation but should I wait for it to come up in conversation or make a point of telling her at some point after we've been together for a while? It's a hard conversation as you can imagine.

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    • Well, if you feel that something is there and that you should pursue her, I say go for it. But that's just me.

    • Thank you for Best Answer.

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What Girls Said 3

  • Your past should not matter to someone... you are who you are NOW you aren't that perons who you were THEN, i have seen too many times when someone tells the people they like about their past it sends to create a lot of preconcieved notions and when you tell them about your ex's that not a great thing to do... NEVER tell them about your ex's lol because the person you like may start comparing themselves to them...

  • I think she should know before you start dating but tell her suttley, bring it up in conversation but don't say how you never think you'll be able to move on as she will probably be able to figure that out for herself and you telling her may make her feel like a reboun.

  • Tell her early. You don't needs t go into all the specifics, but you need to let her know how this has affected you and dating.


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