Molested by my mother's husband and now it's really hard for me to feel comfortable enough to have sex, would any guy ever be with me knowing this?

I don't want to get into the exacts, but the point is I was sexually abused, my dad was long gone, my mother didn't believe me and kicked me out for accusing him, no one in my family believed me, it was found "unfounded" cuz there wasn't sufficient evidence. Everyone cut me out and shamed me and eventually I wound up homeless all because I came out with what happened. All of this has made a huge impact and now I just don't want anything to do with sex with men. It's really hard for me to wrap my head around. On good days I can fool around, but penetration is still out of the question. I want to know FROM MEN what the likelyhood of having a relationship with someone who's okay with waiting for sex. Not as in waiting a few weeks or a few months, but if you had to wait six month minimum and even then it's not promising you'd be able to, it's just more possible, would you be okay with waiting?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Reading some of these answers... just... ugh. Sex isn't everything, contrary to popular belief. There is more to a relationship than sex. There are guys who will wait, but it will be difficult to find them, just speaking from my own experience. I've had something similar happen (sexual abuse, being shunned by others for it, having a fear of sex) and people are so insensitive to it. They treat me like there is something wrong with me for wanting to wait, when I have a damn good reason for wanting to. People are constantly telling me how weird I am, how great sex is, how much I'm missing out, how I shouldn't be so "picky", how I should just get it over with, etc. My question is, why in the hell does everyone care so damn much if we are ready to have sex or not? It doesn't even affect them. We live in a society that is against "slut-shaming", yet shaming virgins and victims of rape is okay. Sorry, I had to rant. It ticks me off so much. Anyway, like I said, it will be harder to find a guy who will be patient with you, but there are some out there. Whatever you do, do not let anyone, a friend or a lover, pressure you into something you're not ready to do, because you're the one who has to suffer the psychological consequences, not them. You can try to seek counselling, it may help, but I really think people like us just need a person who loves us for who we are and not how we look in a G-string. If someone truly loves you, he will be willing to wait until you are comfortable and ready to do it. Best of luck to you.


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What Guys Said 4

  • 1) You have to be honest with someone about this experience or else they won't understand.
    2) Fuck your mom if she doesn't believe you, she'll end up being more fucked in the head than you'll ever be
    3) See a therapist or someone that you can talk to honestly about the issue
    4) If penetration itself is a huge issue, perhaps you can work on that on your own (with a toy of some sort) and get yourself mentally/emotionally ready for the real thing if you so ever choose to indulge.
    5) Any guy worth his salt would wait after knowing this, if he liked you to begin with.

    • How long of seeing someone until it's time I should tell them? And how do I bring up something like that?

    • Show All
    • Well I don't mean an increment of time, I mean an example of closeness, like "when you get to the point you're talking about being bf/gf" "before any clothes come off" "only when he asks why you're so hard to warm up" etc etc etc

    • I would strive for emotional intimacy before anything else. If he knows you as a person/lady and likes you (perhaps even loves you) it will be a much easier thing to communicate/deal with then bringing it up on a fourth date.

      I know it must be hard, I can only really imagine. I would really highly suggest contacting someone to talk it out with, a lot of times it's so beneficial to just let these experiences go.

      I can't really compare to yours, but all the bad stuff in my life becomes much easier to deal with once it's expressed, felt and just let go away.

  • Id be fine with waiting especially with the given circumstances. Nevertheless I would wait because I am the type of guy who would much rather devote his time to a gal he truley loves

  • I hear this kind of story far too often, and whether or not they are true case by case, the girl definitely ends up with issues. Go see a therapist if you haven't already, and as shitty as it sounds, try to get over it. You won't forget, just don't let it put up arbitrary walls in your mental and emotional States. Good luck =)
    Also, I would not be OK with waiting, would make me feel less important to you.

  • Personally I would like to wait, so that's not an issue at all. I would be more worried about family structure and your personality.

    • I'm fine. I keep everything to myself and journal a lot to keep sane. I'm distant, but I'm personable. I'm just someone who keeps to myself a lot and handles everything completely privately and needs to be alone a good deal.

    • And I have no contact with anyone in my family. Haven't since I was a teenager

What Girls Said 3

  • I know that there must be one guy out of a million that would wait whenever you're ready. Not all guys are the same, there are some who truly care about the feelings & emotions of a girl. Not all guys care or are into sex yoy will find one trust me.

    • All you need is one :)
      Thanks for reminding me.

    • No problem (: I know that you will one day find the one worth waiting for.

  • This is a very genuine comment.

    Try and get into therapy. Sex is awesome and someone taking that away from you is awful. Maybe by talking about the abuse and the problems with your family will help you get to a place where you can enjoy sex again

    • I can't do that.

    • What's your concern? It can be a daunting thing to think about

  • Don't want to say WHY I know this
    but so long as the guy never has to be around the abuser, even better if he's long gone
    then he'll only need to know your down for sex, A-OK with only a few hiccups along the way.

    The victim friends I have are usually VERY sexual but also VERY armed & dangerous... better know the password going up their stairs or get a 9mm coming your way

    • But I'm not "down for sex"

    • That's what the whole freaking question is about