Intimacy doesn't come natural to me... any ideas?

In my only 2 relationships that didn't last long because the guy either cheated or was playing me from the beginning, I was told I "wasn't clingy enough." I've always been very closed-off and not really affectionate. It doesn't come naturally to me and I almost hold back/am confused about what I should do in what moment. I know it sounds weird, but I almost feel like Dexter when it comes to intimacy. I feel out of place and odd. I don't crave closeness like everyone else. Yes, I wish I had someone from time-to-time, but it's not a make or break me thing, and it takes a long time for someone to get to that side of me. When guys say they want to cuddle or be my valentine, I push them away. Part of me wishes I could let go of my standards coupled with fear of getting too close, and the other part doesn't really crave it. It's so screwed up and I feel defective. Because of the past, I won't allow myself to show much interest in guys that show me interest because there is risk there and I don't want to be hurt again. I just feel defective and I'm not sure if I can be fixed... I know my childhood f**ked me up and I'm afraid I will have to live with it forever. Who would want someone so screwed up that they can't even show intimacy in a relationship because it doesn't come naturally? :(


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  • I'm like you.. but even more so than you, I don't give a fuck. I'm not trying to sound dark or cool by saying that but I genuinely, with all my damn heart.. just. don't. give. a. fuck.
    Does that mean there is something wrong with us? No. Everyone is different. Some our clingers and some are drifters who need freedom and who do NOT need as much affection. I don't see it as a problem..
    Why does it bother you? Just curious...