I had affair with a married woman. I love her?

Hi guys. Basically I'll explain the short version because there is a lot of detail and it would be a bit of a drag to read the WHOLE lot.

I became friends with a woman who started at my job, soon after we began an affair for 8 months, until yesterday. She has been married for 9 years. At first it was all about sex, the sneaking around and the fact no one else at my place of work knows after almost a year. Then the husband found out through messages he saw while snooping through her phone (The husband isn't innocent himself, he also had an affair not long ago).

I love her, she told me she loved me. Yesterday she called me and was on loudspeaker as her husband was with her and she said "Don't talk to me, don't look at me, we're done, ok?" I replied "ok". It was so obvious she had been told to say that as she sounded nervous and sounded like she was reading a script then he took the phone, tried making threats blah blah, which didn't bother me, I knew what I was getting into. She is back to work next week and I don't know how to act, I don't want to be completely ignored considering we always speak, always have a laugh, she always messaged me saying she "missed me" etc. Now she's blocked me on Facebook, deleted my number, which I know is completely understandable considering what's going on now.
My point is I feel heartbroken. I don't want to go to work and just be cut off without an explanation. I'm so confused. I care for her deeply. Yeah she had an affair but she is not happy at home, she cannot leave her husband because they have 2 children, money tied up in the house etc. I need to move on but I need some good advice.
Any help would be appreciated. Please no horrible comments because I'm already feeling empty.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think you could use this as a reason to avoid any situation like this in the future. Any kind of betrayal is most likely to end up in hurt.

    You may feel strong feelings for her, but you don't love her. Why? You wouldn't put someone in that situation if you loved them. You would care for them too much. I know you feel bad, but you have to accept you contributed to put her in this situation with her husband to begin with.

    I would just apologise to her and just remain friends. She will make it clear if she wants to leave him for you, but you shouldn't be putting her in this situation. If she wants to be with you instead of him its up to her to sort that out BEFORE anything happens with someone else.

    • I wonder how she is still working with him. The H must be stupid.

    • This is very true. It's jut hard because obviously this wasn't planned and my feelings are very deep. I suppose it would be easier if I didn't work with her. I'm just anxious about seeing her on Monday

    • Well you can't do some magic to make it less awkward. You can only talk to her and tell her your feelings. I would just say something along the lines of "I'm sorry this put you in a bad situation, but I think I love you if you are unhappy and want to separate from him then I will be here if you need, or even just a friend if you need. But I don't want to carry on the affair, so you will need to split up with him to be with me".

      That way you aren't putting her in a bad situation again, but you are giving her the choice if she does want to split up with him.

      In the long run you would have probably been better off this way anyway if her husband is indeed not a very nice person.

      Express your interest in being with her but keep your distance. You may find if you can talk to her it may ease your nervous feeling a bit... however there is also a chance she may just ignore you. In which case it would probably be best to do the same, at least for a while.

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  • I believe you felt very deeply for her, however being in love with a married person does pose many complications. How much can you trust that person if they were willing to go behind their spouse's back?

    I'm sorry that you're feeling down, but it's time to look for someone available. Someone who you could love and who will love you back.

    • I understand that. A part of me knows I was stupid for doing this because I never thought I would be in this situation. I'm not sure maybe it's an underlying issue with myself

  • I wonder why the H didn't kick the shit out of you, 8 months is a long time, i wouldn't let you get away that easily.

    • What did I type in this question? The husband also had an affair also, before his wife did. By that logic his wife should have kicked the shit out of him also. And secondly I did ask "no horrible comments" cheers

    • That's not what i am on about tough. I am saying that YOU deserve to get kicked in the nuts for what you did. Doesn't matter if he had an affair, you took the role of a homewrecker and had physical relations with a married woman for a long period of time,, that says a lot about you.

    • You should have just kept your dick in your pants, hopefully you have learned your lesson, be glad you didn't end up worse.

  • Sounds like things are pretty complicated for you. Well you're pretty sure she still wants you but her husband made her end it. That being said it's not like you can really do anything to change the situation. She's cut you off completely. I currently find myself in a similar situation (she isn't married though) and currently the woman actually passionately hates me and refuses to acknowledge my existence (which is made quite obvious by the fact that we work together). Seeing as I'm not at fault for the circumstances that brought her to hate me I'm doing my best to forget about her and move on. It's been a month and a half and I still miss her and what we had together. But I now believe that it wouldn't have worked out happily for either of us in the end. It will take a while man, and it will hurt. But you just need to give yourself time and space. All the best to you

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