How come free souls find love faster than those who actually want it?

I know they say don't look for love, it will come. But you also think, if I don't look then I won't be open to it and find. And then there is this grey area where you kind of try to balance it but inevitable end up in semi-relationships. I notice that the people who are out and about, not really worried about meeting someone.. actually find someone and settle down in stable relationships before the ones who are actually actively out and about, hoping to meet someone. How come this happens? Surely the chance of meeting someone would be more likely for the latter right? They are after all open to it and putting themselves in a position to find love?

And I don't mean the whole new age stuff where its about people being desperate etc. I mean regular people... your friends, my friends. I notice it a lot, the less people seem to care about finding love.. the more they find it. Then I also have friends who don't care or expect it and never do seem to find the right partner. Its all so strange and makes me wonder how come some have it so easily and others don't.

In case you wonder where I fit on this spectrum; I have always been slightly aloof, attracted aloof guys and never really opened up enough. I fall somewhere in between and also get something in between. I know guys fell in love with me more easily when I was younger, I guess because I didn't care at all at the time. Now I do care and have not met anyone worthwhile in 2 years. But I am not bitter, I'm too critical of myself for that. I am not even critical of myself anymore. It will happen if it has to.. and I just am...


Most Helpful Guy

  • I was one of those who never sought it and found it. Here's the deal and how it works. First of all the whole social recluse business is no good. Just because a person attends a singles club to find someone doesn't make them outgoing, or friendly, or even approachable. What they want may be more visible, but that is about it.

    Next, chatting to people 'normally' creates an interaction of no expectations. You aren't looking for, or expecting to get, anything from the other person. It is this selflessness, this purity of soul - so to speak - that is one of the most key ingredients to love.

    You meet someone. You talk with them. You become genuinely interested in them. You are not "out to get something" and appear transparent and real for them. They can trust that on some instictive level.

    And so, it works as you say. As long as the person isn't on the internet 24/7 or living in a cave, then normal interactions with social skills will lead to happy matchups.

    I'm not saying the whole single & searching style doesn't work for everyone, but there is an expectation there for it to lead to something or gtfo. It puts an onus on the friendship that prevents it from budding into a healthy relationship.

    Just my 2c. I could be wrong. :)

    • Yeh I tend to meet people randomly, I think it was also because I just never expected to meet anyone. Deep down I felt like even if I met an interesting person, something would go wrong. So even though the guys were initially attracted to me, nothing ever developed into more. I always wondered why they didn't like me enough, especially since I am more laid back than many of my friends. But I'm a strange mix and therefore attain strange outcomes :P

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    • Hmm well the last guy said "we're different" so I asked how and he said mentality etc. But his reasons were all over the place, weak. The one before that only said we're on different pages. I'm not sure about what to do with that tbh. I have my guard up at the beginning but I love to try and show the real me once I build some trust. Things go fine for a while but crash and burn when its leading to something. I always tell every single guy I'm not up for something casual, they show true intentions and work at it too. Their actions are fine but their words not. This can throw me off when I feel like I may be getting invested. Its really sucky... I can sniff a douchebag from a mile away but these guys aren't even jerks, they just end up becoming them and not committing. The guy before the last one still tries to contact me, he actually started to the day he moved back from China. But it didn't matter anymore.. And the last guy probably won't come back

    • Sounds like they both told you the same, "different mentality" and "not on the same page" pretty much add up to the same thing. I think that is a very polite way to say they have different values than you, but they are not going to be assholes and say that your values are wrong, or are bad, or whatever, so they chalk it up to you just being different. And that very well may be -- just different.

      Perhaps as a future strategy, do more value checks. Things like view on animals, capital punishment, and where right & wrong fall in a lot of different places can go a long way to, ahem, "staying on the same page" :)

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • Free souls don't go searching for it, it finds them, as it should.
    People who look for it have a preconceived idea of what they think it is and go after that when in actual fact you can never define it because once you define it you confine it and once it's confined it dies.

    • That makes sense, preconceived notion.. you mean looks? personality? type? But don't looks matter? I always say attraction matters more than looks, but I'm attracted to someone I find physically appealing.

    • Yeah :)
      Well it can be anything you think love is. When you feel it, it is different, it is something completely different to having a thought about what it is. Looks, personality, type and the like don't create love, they create attraction and yes that does matter to a degree, love stems from that spark and happens without anyone knowing and by the time you do it's too late to change a single thing

  • if I had to geuss they get out more, and have personalities that make people want to be their friends. You know that friend that no matter were you go somebody comes up to them like wassup bro how are you. It gives them extremely large social circles hence more opportunities to meet somone


What Girls Said 3

  • I think you are putting way too much thought into this one... i never look for that special someone because you never find what you are looking for and chances are if you did find that prince charming you would get bored and let down... Being like this works for me men are always wanting to date me and i think its because of the care free attitude i have towards it, it's appealing to men. It will happen when it's ment to

    • You just agreed with my point. That being care free gets people a partner more easily

    • Yeah but don't think it be it, if you only think this then you are not giving off the care free vibe because deep down you want that love and that energy is given off.

  • Because when you're not looking for love, it will be much easier to just take the day as it comes, you don't expect anything. And when it happens it's like 'wow, I wasn't expecting that'. You can't go out trying to find love, love has to find you. ''Finding love is meeting with an accident.'' That way you can work on yourself and live your life, because also love should not be forced, it should just happens when the time is right.

    • What if you do go about your life, and every time you aren't expecting it.. you get the wrong guys :P?

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    • Actually, my wrong guys have been nice guys. The last guy pursued me for a year, did everything for me, sent flowers on my birthday, said "i love you" every night before going to bed, wouldn't start his day without talking to me, always made time for me, flirted, complimented, etc. When he finally made the move and kissed me, I thought we were finally heading somewhere... except he said he doesn't want anything... how can I trust a guy again if even a guy who does everything right, actually never even liked me?

    • Because this guy used his charm just to get a little naughty with you, some guys do this if they want to get in your pants easily, I also had a guy that did this to me but I deleted him from my life as soon as I figured everything out. My advice is don't trust guys so easily, give them time for them to really get to know you without trying anything ''else'' and you'll see if he's worth it or not. Trust but at the same time you don't, get it? The guy that will want a serious relationship with you will wait and will not rush into things, he'll be careful with his moves.

  • i think whenever you're lowering your expectation, you will be happier, and that's actually makes you attractive to others. and there'll come the huge opportunity for someone who fall for you. So, don't put yourself under pressure~

    • Thats a really fair point. You see when I expect less, I get less... like when I like someone and don't push but also don't do anything I am not comfortable with. So I find a balance, but then it rarely ends up into anything special.. I guess they don't take me seriously. And when I expect less in terms of a person, I feel like I am settling. I am not too picky but I don't easily feel attracted to people either. So how do you lower expectation?

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    • Thats almost my story, except we weren't going to wed. Maybe the first guy i loved yes, we were meant to end up together but he was a douche and I enjoyed life. After that, I had a series of misadventures with guys who just didn't want to commit after pursuing me themselves for ages. So I gave up, now I think giving up is not the solution but to refocus on myself and my happiness. You give me hope, maybe it will all be worth it in the end :)

    • huhu, don't worry. there's always a rainbow after a storm :)