I met an amazingly nice, gentleman. He opens doors for me, surprises me with things, calls me beautiful, a good personality and sense of humor, however, he weighs 400 pounds, if not over. I'm not a judgmental person, but I can't seem to shake it. I worry about the future, health problems and even the stares he gets in public. I'm not writing it off, but what is your opinion, have you been in this position, is it shady of me?
Dating someone who is possibly 400 plus pounds?
What Guys Said 1
No, not shady at all. The fact that you are capable of looking past his weight to see that he is a good guy is already a great thing in my opinion. Most women would never make it past the "He's 400 pounds" part (and vice versa if your genders were reversed). Attraction is what it is, and disregard of one's health and the impact that disregard has on others around him is a part of the person he is, at least at this point in time. It's okay to be worried, annoyed, turned off, and even disgusted by that.
Be mindful too that 400 pound is huge. Even if he starts living a healthy lifestyle tomorrow and sticks with it, it can take as long as two years for him to get to a normal size. In that sense, you almost have to look at it as an investment. Can you achieve better returns by shifting your interest and resources elsewhere, or is there a potentially amazing payoff here?
Now, he certainly knows he's fat and that people stare at him. He doesn't need to be told or shamed or guilted ("I'm worried about you" is annoying as hell). Being fat doesn't make one oblivious. It does come with some psychological blocks, however. Ones that, with your ability to appreciate the good things about him, you can potentially break through. A good approach might be to work together to identify the benefits -- to both of you -- of him living a healthier lifestyle.
Likewise, activities that you can do together and requires a certain level of fitness can serve as goals. One example might be taking a trip and hiking a mountain together. Or taking lessons of some kind together that require him to keep pushing for higher levels of fitness. There are many kinds of organized events as well (The Great Saunter around Manhattan, for example).
Or you can completely throw caution to the wind... "I WANT to be physically attracted to you," and "I know you'll be hot when you get down to your natural weight," would be a kick in the butt for me, but could backfire with somebody more sensitive. /shrug0
What Girls Said 1
If you want to be with him, you have to accept him as he is, not demand that he 'll loose the weight. You can't be judgmental. You should show him you like him as he is but you care about him and you want him to be healthy. It's not bad to ask him about his past. Most people who weigh so much, have some emotional reasons that they eat so much. If you eat together, you can influence him to eat better. You can propose going to a small trip or to the gym together..1
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