Why do guys who are totally into me at first always pull back as soon as I start liking them?

This has happened to me too many times now to think it's just a coincidence. I go on one or maybe two dates with a guy, and he is already totally into me. Saying things like never met anyone like me, and making plans for way in the future, telling me how super glad he is to have met me, how special I am and blah blah. I usually get scared and run off LOL, but the few guys that have somehow caught my interest, I stick around. I always tell them that I am not that special at all, and that they don't know me well enough yet to like me that much, and that they will just be disappointed when they find out I'm just a regular person. Of course they'd deny all of that.

It just somehow freaks me out when they are so into me that early on because they don't know me at all, and I know we're probably both up for a huge disappointment. So at that stage, I am a bit distant and don't show too much interest, while the guys court me pretty nicely. But then, later on, when I know the guy enough and start to actually like him, and show him that I like him, I don't know, it's not even a power-shift, it's like they totally lose interest. Basically from one day to another. They stop texting and calling and don't wanna hang out anymore.

FYI I didn't sleep with any of those guys, so it's not like they just like the chase and leave when they got what they wanted.

I just don't get it. I mean, I may not be as special as they think at the beginning, but I am still a fairly nice, funny, smart and caring person (at least my friends say so). I'm not clingy and don't ask for commitment or anything, so I just don't understand why they don't wanna date me anymore as soon as I like them.

And it just hurts. I keep my guard up for so long, and the moment I let it down and develop feelings, they decide to leave. Would they leave sooner, it wouldn't hurt, but they wait till that moment when it does hurt. Why?
Could I get some more opinions from guys my age (30 and older) please? Because those are the ones I date ;-)


Most Helpful Guy

  • LOL I'm one of those guys I do it because I'm desperate for love and I'm scared I won't ever find love so I try my best with every girl and say those things so we can love each other more than any thing and any one else in the universe I mean like why are we talking if we don't like each other might as well strengthen the bond you attracted me an you were attracted to me so lets make something happen.


Most Helpful Girl

  • You say it is a pattern, about how many dates into this are you when they lose interest?

    If they are coming on strong like that out of the gate, no sex then they eventually go?

    If a guy likes you but has been on the dating scene a while they tend to only be patient for so long then give up if you aren't opening up after 5 dates or more (if they like you).

    I'm weary of any guy who is overly excited halfway through the first date. Whatever their excitement is based on is rarely based on reality and often superficial attributes like looks and a good job. It's often a sign of instability. I do not arrange second dates with these men but am polite. They my text for a few weeks despite no response confirming my decision to steer clear.

    When I go on really good first dates I think we both feel a bit of a glow/ smile but you don't jump into how great the other person is and plan for the future other than lets do this again.


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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 2

  • OMG I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM! Not long ago I dated this guy and he REALLY liked me. By that I mean that he was freaking obsessed. He couldn't get enough of me and I loved that! Though somewhere in the middle I got scared of a new relationship, of commitment so I blew him off. He excepted it nicely, which annoyed me because it looked like he doesn't care. I was sad, but I thought it was for the best. Then three days later he texted me this whole speech that he misses me (and at the time we knew each other just for a month!) and how much he likes me and that he doesn't want to lose me. When I saw that I felt soo happy and that's when I started to trust him, because he really forgot about his pride and just let it all out. Though now after three months of seeing each other its over. He stopped texting me and when I asked him why he said that he wanted to leave me alone so I could calmly study (I had a lot to study at that time). Though I didn't believe that so I said that I don't want to go out with him anymore and he was so understanding just like the first time. But now he doesn't even care? After that I've seen him at a party and he admired me as usual, but he did nothing. He also doesn't text me at all and he doesn't even like my pictures? I have some pretty good new ones since I'm a model and he used to like all of them and now nothing, though he said we were ''cool''? I don't understand. Did he ever even like me? And I'm sorry for this speech I'm giving you here haha but I just want you to know that I cane relate. :)

  • Honestly it could just be that they aren't looking for anything serious or it takes you so long to open up that they move on.

    • I really don't know. I'm not asking for anything serious, so I don't get why they would be scared of that. Admitted, it takes me long to open up, but then again, if you like someone as much as they say they like me, would you give up that easily? And would you move on exactly that moment when she finally does open up? It's not like they leave before I open up, it's always shortly thereafter...

    • Honestly it could be that they aren't being entirely truthful or that when you DO open up, it can seem overwhelming to them. It isn't justified, but I do recommend perhaps doing a little self reflection to try and see if you can't overcome some of your issues with opening up before pursuing a relationship, so it'll be easier for you in the future. No one expects you to open up right away of course.

    • I know. That's why I'm not pursuing a relationship right now, I'm just dating.

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