He says he doesn't know the difference between loving someone and really caring about someone?

I have been seeing this guy for about a year in a half, he is 29 years old, I'm 23 years old. Recently I had a serious conversation with him over the fact that he does not give me affection or tells me how he feels about me. I made it clear to him that I can longer wait for him to be ready for us to take the next step and become an official couple-meaning boyfriend/girlfriend. He replied with his issue of "are titles really necessary." He then told me that he could not imagine his life without me or my daughter, to think that something bad were to ever happen to my daughter and I scares him and that he sees a future with me but he is scared to disappoint me if we did become official and fail at being a good boyfriend since he already feels like he has failed at showing me affection. He then said that he does not know the difference between loving someone and really really caring for someone like he does me. But I am tired of waiting, I feel insecure (which I had never been before) but I love him and my daughter is really attached to him. My daughter just recently met his mom and stepdad, she loves being with his family and they as well like her being around and he and I are flying up to Chicago to see his father and stepmom in a month. He did say he would work on showing me more affection but I would have to be a bit patient because it is very hard for him. The people closest to me have all told me that they would not wait for a guy this long. Is it worth my wait? Or is he just not going to commit? P. S. His last serious relationship was when he was 21 years old and he's never had a relationship last longer than a year. All 4 of his relationships have been before the age of 21.


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What Guys Said 1

  • I want to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt but there are too many negative factors, several straight from his own mouth.

    • He asks if “titles” are really necessary. Yes, because they outline expectations. Ask him if his job has a title and description at work. Would he be willing to fulfill a role that had no limit or duration? I think not.
    • He says he cannot imagine life without you but that speaks to how your presence meets HIS needs.
    • He says he feels like a failure so far, but his only current plan is to fail further.

    You mention two key points.

    • First, your closest people have an uneasy feeling about him. They know you well and their judgment is unclouded by love and lust. I am betting some of them are also older and more experienced than you.
    • Second, he says he does not know the difference between love and caring and his history verifies that he does not really understand either one. Four relationships in ten years as an adult and none over a year. Not encouraging.

    I would characterize his connection to you as attachment. That is a long way from being in love. You can be attached to a chair your great aunt left you.

    The one thing he said that rings a note of hope is that he could not imagine something bad happening to you or your daughter. I’m just not sure that is enough to hang your future on.

    As far as your daughter is concerned, she does not have the critical faculties to assess the situation. YOU must decide what is best for both of you in the long run.

    • Thank you so much. Your point of view has definitely made me realize that what has been on my mind for the past few months was right I just kept doubting it and holding on to hope of us working out. Thank you again!

What Girls Said 1

  • He's not going to commit to you ever. You need to cut your loses and find someone who will.