Is he using me or is he afraid to get hurt?

I'm talking (hooking up as well) about 6 months with a guy who is older than me (I'm 22 and he is 35) he is divorced with kids. first he seemed like he wanted a relationship but now he ditches our plans at the last minute and then asks me if I'm with other guys when I say I'm out. he says how he has commitment issues and how he doesn't want me to see or talk to other guys now and how he can't let me close bc he could get hurt. we had plans today but then he told me how we always fight and then told me he doesn't wanna talk any more today. it's one day he is all lovey then the next accusing me or being with someone else then the next is a jerk saying he doesn't care about me. is this a defense mechanism to not get hurt or is he really just a jerk?


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  • (Sings) cooonntrroolll ffrreeeaaakk
    Bunch of red flags here. He sounds like he goes 0 to 100 over nothing. Maybe it's my personality, but I love my space.

    I used to think it was cute when guys were controlling and jealous, but now I think it's creepy and unattractive. Being constantly accused would bring down my self worth and make me have a crappy morning or afternoon until I got over it

    You need to be careful. This is mental abuse and I hope it doesn't turn physical. I had an ex like this so I'd know.

    He obviously has trust issues. I'm not sure if he's just like that or his ex did something. Regardless it sounds like you two need a sit down and he probably needs therapy.

    • I know he has the trust issues because his ex wife cheated on him and he "lost everything and can't loose it again" I do feel like he is controlling but many times i told him I was my own person and if we aren't dating I can't jump through hoops for you especially since we might see eachother once every Two weeks if he doesn't cancel. I just don't get why he cancels then has the nerve to ask if I'm with another guy that night... like your the one who ditched me. I've told him
      straight up I only wanted to see him but we need to see eachother more. I know I just need to get over it but it sucks because I've been hurt before too and I really do like him. he is worth holding on to if he will change even after all of this but I don't wanna waste my time of he never will. half the time I do try to talk he shuts me down or cancels plans

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    • okay so... he does go to therapy for himself once a week to talk to the person and help him work on his issues, he doesn't have full custody so it's one day each week then every other fri-sun he has his kids so it's not all the time. when I say I wanna hang out more he says we always hang out so late and I just always keep him up, even though I make sure j take off days he doesn't have the kids or appointments so it's easier for him even though I have the more demanding job. I told him I wanted a relationship from the beginning but then when he started to be a dick we had a talk one day and I broke down saying i wanted to be with him. he really didn't have a response. even when I say I wanna see him he's just like I don't want a relationship I can't let you in I can't get hurt. yet he makes plans with me then cancels them but has no problem calling me baby and the latest he's done is saying "you love me don't you" when I say I miss him but I never say love.

    • he always says how he "doesn't want to get hurt" so I'm gonna keep you distant but I told him it's never gonna go anywhere because he's just doing the same by not letting me in and it's hurting me