I am sorry but the dating scene is just too fucked up and puts too much pressure on people. Even the best of people are becoming bitter. I mean personally, based on how I am in other respects, you wouldn't think that I would suffer from this, and yet this is one of the very few topics in which I have became very bitter.
The funny thing is it's not as a result of experience, but actually lack thereof, and even more prevalently, abundant internet and forum usage over the past half-decade.
That is what has jaded me and has caused me to get into therapy. Which, you know, I don't want to get into a long discussion of my issues. That's not what this is about and frankly you folks won't be able to do anything about it (and is something I am working through personally between my therapist and I).
The OVERALL question I have is why do people tell others that bitternesss is the cause of their problem, when usually it's the RESULT. They weren't bitter before whatever negative experiences/failures they encountered, but after. And yet they're criticized and told, "Get over yourself and the reason you're not getting anywhere is because of this attitude," when in actuality that attitude was the RESULT of not getting anywhere and wasn't present before.
Additionally, as a side-note, this sort of tough love is just not good. I don't believe in "tough love" personally. It's just a naive excuse to be unsympathetic and bash people.
Most Helpful Girl
The bitterness is the result of your attitude toward your experiences..
You can't control what happens outside yourself, but you can control your perceptions and your reactions. Ever notice how some people give off a warm, welcoming vibe even when things aren't going their way? While others always manage to find something to bitch about? Sure, the latter person's complaint might be based on REAL things, but they're the ones choosing to focus on those things.
I never had a boyfriend all through high school. Never felt like I quite fit in with any particular social group. Spent the whole four years just sort of drifting along in my small town waiting to leave. But I didn't get bitter about it.
I spent almost my entire twenties single. The last couple of years I was trying so hard to find someone. I went on countless first, second and third dates that led to no where. I had my feelings crushed over and over again when I decided I really liked a guy only for him to "ghost" on me or tell me he didn't want anything serious. I was disappointed over and over again as I lowered my expectations more and more. But STILL, I didn't get bitter.
Finally, after all of that, I've found a great guy who loves me for who I am, and who complements my life perfectly. I couldn't be happier. But had I allowed my experiences over the past decade of my life to taint my worldview or my view of men, or allowed myself to become bitter and jaded, I never would have met him.8
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Most Helpful Guy
Please understand that I'm not belittling you when I say that I still think you're a bit young to be saying that your experience is making you bitter. I think you haven't realized that heartache and rejection are in fact the norm for most people in the dating realm. I believe that it's great you are seeking help from a professional. This leads me to believe you are one step ahead of many who never make the choice to better themselves.
That being said, I do believe that under certain circumstances, bitterness might be excusable. Some people seem to be predisposed to optimism, and others predisposed to pessimism. There are studies that bear this out and seem to indicate that there are factors contributing to this which are beyond a person's control (neural chemistry and anatomy, personal experiences and background, etc.)
I have noticed that what passes for "tough love" on the internet is often just stupid. People vomit out advice like, "Get over it," or "Get over yourself," or "Just deal with it" (most of which is useless in most situations, and if you don't believe me, ask any therapist if he/she has EVER used those terms in therapy... they don't) and think they are somehow helping the person when in fact they are just driving the person away.
My advice to you, R3d_Anonymous, when you encounter these forms of "tough love" is to understand that many times these people don't know your circumstance very well and are really saying, "I don't know what to tell you," in which case you should probably stop reading and move on to someone else's advice.0
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