I feel like all guys lose interest because I am not some extraverted girl who likes to talk about herself, party hard, overly laugh out loud and be bombastic. One on one, don't get me wrong, I can make conversation and have witty comebacks.. But then whenever someone asks about ME and personal information I get tongue tied and only give 1/4 of what I truly want to tell.
My first "love," and only boyfriend was much older than I was and he always felt the need to assert his opinion over my areas of life. I would tell him my interests and dreams, and he would either say nothing or scoff. I remember being on the phone with him telling me to stop being me; I needed to live in HIS reality. Mine was small, stupid, fruitless. His life was a reckless one, he lived carelessly and tried to die many times. He acted as a victim, and it was always someone else's fault. I became his little toy.. It just took me months and months to realize it. And now, we have been apart for a couple of months.. And it's so hard to invite someone back into my life because I feel like everyone is going to laugh at my thoughts, think I'm weird, want nothing to do with me, or think im nothing special because he basically taught me to believe that. It was like his goal to make me think I held no special value to the world, because he didn't think he did himself.
and now.. I attempt to go on dates, I psych myself up.. And I always fail because I become zippered-shut whenever someone tries to get to know me truly. I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless and like a failure.