Is it alright to ask a date for feedback?

I am an attractive, smart, independent, fairly successful woman. I have been actively dating and I don't have too much trouble getting dates. Most of them are from online though. Where I live, it's hard for me to meet like-minded people otherwise.

I have started to notice a pattern with my dates though. Often the communication before the date is fine, nothing too spectacular, just some texting back and forth. This leads to the first date. This leads to the first date. Sometimes I don't see a future, in which case I tell the guy straight after in a nice way.

But other times, it goes really well. The conversation flows, we laugh, joke, share ideas. The guy even shows an obvious physical interest in me. But it doesn't go beyond that. Sometimes it leads to a second or third date. But then he just fades off for no apparent reason. All this time I am thinking everything is going great...

So I am really confused about what I am doing wrong here. And I was thinking the best way to find out was to ask them. So I propose to call up each of these guys and have a chat with them. Tell them I understand you they are not interested and that is fine, but I would really appreciate if they could share what turned them off. The intention is just to improve myself for future dates...

What do you think? Would the guys give me honest feedback?


Most Helpful Girl

  • I doubt it is anything you are consistently doing wrong or you wouldn't be making it to a third date. But if you haven't made out by the third date or set up any of the dates some men assume you aren't interested and move on. Sometimes they are dating multiple people and it is hard for one person to stand out when you're doing that.

    But to answer your question NO don't ask these guys what you're doing wrong after they pull there fade away after only three dates. Nothing good will come of it and it will make things awkward. I've probably only been on two dates that were bad because of something the other person did or said and I couldn't wait to get away.

    For the times it goes well but you never hear from them again it is probably the same reason you decline a second date when the conversation went well but don't see a future. For whatever reasons your dating goals don't match up or whatever but they like you enough as a person to carry on conversation and be friendly. Men are just less skilled at ending the date indicating there won't be another.

    Finally, are you only dating men with classic good looks? I would suggest reading over their profiles well and read between the lines of what they are actually on the dating site looking for and put that part first before their head shots. Same goes for first dates. I mean you have to find them somewhat attractive but you can't be blinded by that if it is something long term you're looking for. The first few dates are about finding out how you work together and not being distracted by looks. Also a guy may not look like much on their profile but when you meet them in person their smile and personality really makes some guys you might have overlooked pop.

    Lastly to avoid dating burnout go into the first few dates with no expectations of another date or anything developing. I go on first dates on a week night and go with he attitude of just being glad to throw back a couple of drinks after a stressful day, meeting a new person and hopefully some okay conversation. When I'm dating I also schedule at least a date or two a week with different guys.

    Once I meet someone I like which I usually know by the end of the second or third date then I stop scheduling new dates. When I do meet a guy I really like who also likes me there is no doubt by the end of usually the second that we will be seeing each other more regularly. He will make sure I know that and set up a weekend night date before we part ways.

    • Thanks for your opinion. That helped.

      Actually looks is not really a big concern for me. And most of the guys I end up dating are not classically good looking. So that is not the issue.

      You made a good point here of not initiating dates. Yes, that is something I don't do too often. Also I don't get intimate too fast. I just don't feel comfortable doing it. By the third date or so, I allow him to kiss me, sometimes feel me up and some making out. But sex takes time for me. I wonder if this too is turning guys off.

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    • If you ask him when can I see you again playfully at the end of the third and he probably isn't into it there will be some sort of tale tell signs. He'll look away, make a weird microfarad movement or just try to leave it open like I'll text you.

      The question to ask yourself shouldn't be what did I do or why. It is what it is and most likely has nothing to do with you. Just be glad he didn't string you along and on to the next one. The worst thing you can do is enter into a relationship with someone who is one foot in and one foot out so I always set up dates in person after the first one to help gauge their level of interest. Texting is so vague.

    • You raised some good points. Thanks.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Only ask for feedback after you blow him. That's the real deal breaker right there. lol

    • I don't get it...

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    • Yup, mostly no second dates. Sometime it leads to second or third, but none then the fade away happens...

    • You should try a retirement. Go on four dates with different guys blow two of them, don't blow the other too. See which ones call you back lol. Just playin well sort of. :)

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