Should I leave my boyfriend for my ex?

Two years ago I had to move from NC to Cali because my mom got a new job. My ex and I stayed together for a while but we started having problems a few months in so I decided to end things because I wasn't coming back any time soon and knew that with the distance these problems would persist (he was worried about me cheating which I never did). I cut him off from all contact until a month later he sent me a beautiful letter and we started to be friends. I started dating another guy and he started dating another girl and he eventually joined the Army and was deployed so we didn't talk for about a year except a letter here and there.

I met a guy six months ago and we have been dating since. I moved back to NC to go to school and he stayed in Cali for school. I saw my ex again a few days ago. He's good friends with my brother who's also in the Army and was there with some of their other friends when I showed up to surprise my brother. He looked so different, very muscular with lots of tattoo's on his arms. We all started drinking and my ex and I started talking about our relationship. He admitted he was being paranoid and missed me a lot after we broke up and when he was deployed. I told him I should've been better at putting his mind at ease instead of just breaking things off. We talked for hours and I'm ashamed to admit we kissed. I feel so guilty and will tell my boyfriend eventually but right now I'm so confused.

Basically my ex is an hour or so away from me. My current boyfriend is all the way across the country and visiting him will be extremely difficult. I'd feel like such a bitch if I just keep breaking up with guys because they aren't around enough, but then again this could be the shot me and my ex never really had before. I'm so confused, I don't want to hurt my boyfriend but all those feelings for my ex came back when I saw him.
I really need some opinions on this. Please help me out


Most Helpful Guy

  • you probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you actually figure out shit in your life in my honest opinion. but from a practicality standpoint, i'll map this out for you cause i'm bored:

    you have 5 options here
    1- you stay with your current boyfriend. i'm guessing you're a sophomore of junior right now. meaning you have 1.5-2.5 years left being in nc. after that, you'll in all likelihood, be moving back to california.
    2- you stay with him and somehow get a job in nc or neighboring state
    3- you break up with the dude, get back with your ex. again, chances are, you're gonna be moving back to california after graduation. and you'll be spending 3+ months apart from him during the summer at least
    4- you break up with boyfriend and get with your ex. somehow you get a job in nc or some neighboring state
    5- you get with your ex and I don't know the situation, but he gets stationed or deployed somewhere else. i'm guessing the dude is in ft bragg, but it's a massive hub.

    so, 1 and 3 are short term solutions to long term problems. 2 and 4 are long term solutions with short term problems. 5 is dependent and factor into all of those in some way. I don't know how much weight it has, though.

    the biggest question you need to ask yourself is do you actually think you can commit to either of the 2 in any of the circumstances and something you can only answer, not us. can you deal with summers not being with your ex or can you deal with being apart for 7+ months without your current boyfriend? i've seen this story before with my old roommate who is from california and his girlfriend who's from dc. i mean he didn't have an ex waiting for him or vice versa, but you get the idea. i won't tell you how it ended, though...

    by the way, where in nc are you from and where do you go to school? i went to college in the triad area, but i graduated and moved back home up north.

    • I'll be staying with my best friend in Fuquay in the summer but might go back to CA for a few weeks to see my family. My boyfriend says he'd fly out to see me though. I got to college in Wilmington and yes he's combat medic in the 82nd Airborne so he's at Bragg. I don't know what I'll do after college. My ex will be discharged a little while before I graduate and he used to talk about moving to Cali; not to be with me but because he wants to get far away from his abusive family. I think he'd stay with me if I wanted to stay though. I'm still weighing the decision; I don't really know what to do and I know I'm the only one that can make the decision, I was just looking for insight.

    • Show All
    • South University or Guildford/Randolph community college? Haha sorry; San Diego is a great city though, that's where my family lives. You should definitely consider it though Cali can be expensive to live in. I know it's fucked up but I don't want to go through the long distance problems again. Plus I didn't get a lot of time with my ex before I moved so it's almost like a second chance. My boyfriend is an amazing guy but I just don't have the same spark with him. I don't know, I might just be preoccupied with finding out what might've been with my ex but I will definitely think it over.

    • no... high point university.

      yeah, that's why i don't wanna move to cali. it's expensive as fuck... then again, i live in nj (close to ny)... it's expensive as hell here too :P. well, that's why i said that you shouldn't be in a relationship until you're actually sure what you want to happen. i've just been giving you advice, not what i think.

Most Helpful Girl

  • The fact that you are asking this tells what kind of a person you are, and therein lies your answer.

    If you are even questioning leaving your boyfriend - do it.
    He deserves better than someone flaky who goes back and forth between being with him and your ex.

    • Judgement aside, he deserves to be with someone who doesn't kiss her ex.
      Let him go so he can find someone that will love him, and you can be back with your ex boyfriend, who is now conveniently close to you.

      It'll be better for you both.

    • Show All
    • I know it was shitty and being drunk isn't an excuse. Talking to my ex and seeing him just brought back so many memories and the alcohol clouded my judgement. You're right, I hated breaking up with my ex because we got along so well but I knew the problems would get worse and at the time it wasn't logical to be together even though I knew I'd be back for good in a few years. I'll figure out what I need to do, I just needed insight so thank you.

    • Really, you just have to be true to yourself and do what makes you happy.
      Try to cause as little damage as possible, of course, but you can't be in a relationship where you aren't happy.

      At least you know that what you did was wrong. Some people don't realize and make excuses and think it was justified. I'm glad you're not like that.

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What Guys Said 2

  • whatever choice you make, you'd better be able to live with it. you can't simple end things because of a few small difficulties, as you've no doubt discovered. it becomes a cycle. if we were talking about cheating or abuse, i'd say ''stay the hell away!''. regardless of what you do, problems such as this will, not can, not might, not may, but WILL happen again.

  • Just follow your heart.

    • I did last time but I was never sure if I made the right decision. Also I'm worried he could get deployed again and we'd end up in the same boat. I don't know what to do; I want to be with my ex but I don't want to hurt my boyfriend because he was there for me when I needed him. It's killing me.

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