Should I give this guy a chance or lose him quickly?

I ended up dating an awful guy - a pathological liar who was messed up, deluded and incredibly sexist for 2 years. We broke up 4 months ago.

I don't wanna make the same mistake again.

I met someone and I'm trying to figure out if he is a hardcore sexist waiting to emerge, or just a harmless fun average guy.

He's very very polite, friendly, nice and is the one doing all the pursuing and calling. He is much smarter than the other guy and more helpful. He is not as crazy or full-on as the other guy either. But then, I guess they are all like that in the beginning.

I am not looking at him for a relationship AT ALL, but I just want to know if I should give him the benefit of the doubt and get to know/date him (without sleeping with him yet) or just forget it.

These are some signs which put my back up:

#1: He owns a company and told me that the "older women in his company complain that young women these days don't work as hard". He seemed to be in agreement. I am a young woman.

#2: He doesn't like other people to cook for him (not women) because he says that he wants to get things "just right". He said this as a joke but it kinda incensed me a little.

#3: He admits to sleeping with a lot of women. (OK, by itself, this shouldn't deter someone from a guy, but in context, it does point to being a sexist).

#4: He says he's a strong man and that women don't like wimpy guys.

He doesn't patronize like the other guy, seems a lot smarter and is definitely more respectful.

We talk about philosophy, life, psychology etc.

He is not silly, cocky or arrogant like the other guy and can actually be quite humble. He is calm and sane and has his head together. He has offered to help me out a lot and does respect me.

Whilst I realize his stuff comes across as arrogant, he doesn't talk in an arrogant patronizing way like males with massive egos do... however, he could be a sexist.

However, are the things he has said red flags or am I worrying too much?


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Well it depends if you are ready for a relationship at this point. If you are try to make sure that you have real feelings for the man, and he as well, before you continue.


What Girls Said 1

  • OK, I think you're treating this as a very binary issue, when it's not!

    You've had what sounds like an absolutely HORRIBLE experience with a guy, and so you're cautious about a new relationship. That's natural. It's even healthy. And I like the cut of your jib on the sexism issue. You're damn right not to take any crap from guys about this, and to be wary of any guy who does make derogatory remarks. Props to you for that!

    However, sexism can be a matter of degree. Yes, you get idiot men (and yes, they really are stupid) who think that women aren't the equals of their own sex and who treat them appallingly as a consequence. And yes, those guys are to be given a very wide berth. But on the other hand, you do get completely good guys, who are utterly and wonderfully egalitarian in their beliefs and actions, and who think about the gender politics of their behaviour continually.

    But a lot of guys - maybe even most guys - fall between the two stools. They're not intentionally sexist, but they might have prejudices or assumptions that are really quite dubious in gender terms. Sometimes they don't even realize it. That doesn't make them bad people - it just makes them in need of some re-education on the issues! It sounds like your new man falls in this group - he would probably be horrified at the suggestion that he was sexist, but some of his underlying ideas perhaps are a little outdated in gender terms (#4 in particular!).

    I think you're right to see the four instances above as problematic, BUT I don't think you'd be right to jump to the conclusion that this guy is therefore a rabid misogynist who will treat you badly. He's probably just not conditioned to think as much about gender concerns as you are (some guys go through the whole of their lives being blissfully unaware of the ways in which women are still disadvantaged in modern society - the unequal pay, the unequal responsibility for childcare, etc. etc.).

    The best thing to do might be to sit down and talk to him about your concerns. Don't be recriminatory or accusatory - just be calm and explain that you find some of the things he says a little patronizing or a little hurtful. Challenge his assumptions, but in a way that aims at a better understanding, rather than a confrontation. Expect him to be defensive, and expect to be challenged back, as these are some very fundamental ideas that you'll be taking on, but don't rise to anger (it's difficult, I know!). Good luck!

    • Great answer - thanks a lot Queen Katie. You're right, these issues would not have even crossed my mind had I not dealt with an awful ex.

      I think a lot of it also boils down to gut feelings - and I knew in my gut that my ex was a bad guy but I kept putting itoff until in the end, it was too strong to ignore, yet I don't feel in my gut that this guy is... I think I will give him a chance.