Dating someone 7 months! see his apartment. No?

Met someone before surgery! He was there for me afterwards w lots of care & support. He always came to my apartment to make it easy for me as I was on crutches. A real gem. 5 months in was my birthday. We had a nothing disagreement. I told him I found it strange I hadn't been to his apt. He said - you're invited. Two months later, we haven't gone. When we have plans to go - something changes & we don't go - plans we have are closer to my apt. Also, in the last two months, we've spent less time together. All due to circumstances - a biz trip, a death out of state, the flu, a baby naming out of town. We're on the 8 th week of inconsistent plans. Yesterday, we talked during the day. We finally had our weekend plans in motion. Communicating regularly.

On the phone - I asked where he watched the game last night. He said @ home. Then - he says - let's meet @ restaurant. I said great. Then, we'll sleep @ your house. He said no. It's downtown. I said ok. Let's go there for brunch Sunday. He said ok in what I call a weird tone. I asked if everything is ok (I sensed he was bothered by mentioning a visit to his place). He said yes. I gotta go. Then - two hours later - he texts - I'm not getting together w you this weekend. There's obviously a trust issue as you're grilling me about my whereabouts last night. I don't want to talk, have a confrontation. He shut his phone off b/c he's visiting a religious family member for the holiday & it's shabbos. I left a message sincerely apologizing. I texted him that I totally trust him, just curious if he watched the game @ his friend's place. I think it's about the apt visit mention. In the text - I also asked for forgiveness; keep our plans we were meant to have, time to share. Waiting til sundown now.
Also - aside from what happened - i haven't met his few friends he has. Two are exes. One is a guy. One ex has a boyfriend. Other has cancer, mostly lives in philly. Guy spends most of his time in Israel. In regards to family - they're religious (orthodox) while he's not ( he's conservative). His parents are deceased. He has a brother who he is very close to. He hasn't invited me to meet him. I think it's mostly b/c he visits on shabbos, has to stay over. influence other factors?
Just had a realization! No fight! Just manipulation! No invite to apt! He made up a fight when we didn't even argue. I think it's time to end it! Sundown has struck! No phone call! No text! No respect from him - after all that (please read above) - 7 months later. Character flaw. Break up or make up?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Obviously it could be something completely innocent... like he lives alone and his place is a complete pigsty and he's ashamed of it (Seriously pretty likely).

    Of course it could mean something worse. Best option: Talk it through with him, dont nag or push, just sit him down in a low preasure enviroment, and say that you feel sort of odd that youve not seen his place. Make it sound fun and focus on getting to know eachother, not on suspicions/trust etc.
    If he says its a mess, say fine you'll give him some time to tidy it up if he likes, but you dont mind.

    • Thanks. He has mentioned that he's not as neat as me on a cpl of occasions. He said he has to straighten up before coming over. In terms of talking about it - i mentioned it during bday 1x. Since - it's more like - we have the plans to go & something changes to steer us out of his hood. Don't know why he mentioned trust thing re: basketball. I asked out of curiosity. It shouldn't have generated this reply :( his text really hurt. Now, I think it's over. Nothing I can do until I hear from him. Sad :(

    • It will be sad if the relationship ends over that. Perhaps he has had issues with over controlling or over paranoid partners in the past, hence his jump to "trust". :(
      Hopefully you will be able to patch things up.

    • I agree. If it ends - it's about something else. As for other partners - he's never talked about any trust issues. That's what brings me back to his apt. All so confusing & hurtful. When I received his text - I was in a state of total shock :( thanks

Most Helpful Girl

  • I think he's hiding something. He tried to make it about you by saying it feels like you're grilling him - he refuses to take responsibility and tries to change the subject. And the fact that he waited two hours to tell you that he's not meeting up just adds to the suspicion. A normal person would have brought it up then and there, immediately when it bothered them. But since he waited so long to tell you, it makes me think that he was trying to sort out some mental plan in order to figure out exactly what to say and what to do. That's not a good sign. I wouldn't trust this man.

    • Very smart, insightful. Thank you. He did it right before shutting his phone down for the holiday. Shittty & hurtful. Don't know how to handle now. Think he'll call to end it now. Also shitty. I want to take some of the control back as I don't want to be treated like this. I'd never do that to anyone. I'm a communicator not a fighter or stonewaller.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Ok he just used guilt to steer you away from the apartment. He turned it around to make it seem like you had done something wrong. This is very fishy. Something is up.

    • Good insight. While I'd like to believe he's cream of the crop, mensch type of guy - I'm still in shock on how he handled it. Very blown out of proportion & extremely hurtful. Thanks.

What Girls Said 1

  • This is a very VERY red flag. This long in, you still haven't seen his place? That is a huge HUGE indication that he is hiding something.

    • Thank you. I'd like to believe all is ok since he's so sincere & loving. He seems to have the right intentions. The way he texted about trust b/c I asked where he watched the game - shouldn't have generated such a stonewall type of text signing me off. I really think it's about the apt. I'm totally shocked - ESP that he cancelled the whole weekend just like that. Poof!

    • Show All
    • Hey, for what it's worth my next guy was the one I'm still with now, coming up on 11 months. No games, no doubts and he treats me like a princess. I laugh at Mr No Apartment now.

    • Yay for you. thanks for sharing. Needed that. Love his name - Mr NO apt :)

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