Do you think my date felt like I owed him for our dates?

After the first date, I'm a go dutch kind of girl (either he or I pays, or we both pay for our own). That being said, I started dating this guy who was, I swear, calculating our dates in his head. We would be on the same one date, and maybe he would pay for dinner, but then he'd tell me that I was going to pay for the movie later on in the date or the next activity rather then even let me offer to do so, but even beyond that if we're sort of on the same date, that one person, in my mind at least, is the one paying for that date, and then the next date would be the other person or we'd both be paying our own separate ways the whole time.

It started to bother me that he treated our dates like I owed him. We went on a few more where he would tell me, I paid for the last thing, its your turn now. It really killed a lot of the mood that it seemed like he was always keeping tally or a score, and we've since broken it off.

What do you think of the situation? Was I in the wrong about this? Was this guy being a bit cheap?


Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't think you were wrong. I would be really put off if someone started doing that with me. I understand where he's coming from though, but in my opinion he is going about it all wrong. I think he just wanted to establish that even though he was paying for something at certain times, that didn't mean that it was going to be like that every time. The problem with that is that it makes it seem like he is keeping score as you say. It's also a little rude because he just dictates 'how it is'.

    I usually always pay for dinner and I say something like "I got it". Partly because I think it kills some of the mood to figure out the check and divide it. But if it's in e early dating stage I probably won't pay for anything other than food and drinks (unless I know that she doesn't have an easy economy). I would say that everything is always fine as long as everyone assumes that they are paying for themselves.

    • Thanks for the comments. I think you have to assume as in the event someone forgets a wallet/purse/cards/cash whatever, that you would need to actually be able to pay for both of you on the first date whether you are the man or woman, but outside of forgotten money issues, it is to me very rude to tell someone bluntly that they are going to pay, especially in a dating situation, regardless of their sex. You should or they should offer. However, as I explained in another comment, if I ask you to my house for dinner, you wouldn't show up expecting to cook it yourself right. That is the same idea that goes into dating, at least initially. If you ask out, you should be able to and expect to fund the date you are asking someone else on. Of course the more you date, this rule should just slip away and at least in my experience, its I got it, you got it, but no one keeps track. We all worry about money, but if he felt that his finances were low, then invite me to something free/cheap right?

Most Helpful Girl

  • I think that perhaps he is struggling financially or on a very tight budget if he's constantly taking note of how much money he's spending. I try not to dismiss a guy as cheap when it comes to situations like this because it really is an act of generosity or a guy to treat a woman to dinner and a movie. Those things can add up depending on where you go to eat, whether or not alcoholic beverages were ordered, and how much of a tip should be given. Nonetheless, he made things awkward by voicing financial stress on a date. I could see how that would kill the vibe or take away some of the 'magic' from having a great date.

    I don't think that you were totally in the wrong but you could have been more considerate about his financial position and perhaps suggested a more economical date. Or you could have just simply addressed the topic and asked him what he thinks about who should pay for dates and when/shedding light on the awkward situation he skimmed the surface of.

    • I understand the struggle. I'm not some millionaire with money raining down from trees, however, if you know you are financially struggling, then don't offer to take a date somewhere fancy or not, and then expect them to pay... for a date... you're asking them out to. I think a symbiosis happens between most couples after a few dates, where its like you pay, he pays, you pay, he pays or you split, or whatever which has worked well for me in my dating life. No one feels obligated to pay all the time and its a mutual thing, but if you have money problems, then the dates you offer to go on with someone that you are inviting them to should be stuff one can afford like going to the park, or something you have a coupon for, or have a hook up on. I do not care about the fancy stuff, that doesn't really impress me at all, but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly having to owe someone for our good times.

    • @Asker I agree. That is kinda tacky on his part. Even if he had good intentions, he shouldn't be initiating a date then telling you to pay for his idea. That's in poor taste. :/

      Do you feel like the connection would have been worth salvaging if you would have opened up to him the way you just expressed yourself towards me?

    • No, we were only about 3 months into dating. He just didn't seem like my type of guy. It was other stuff about him that I probably shouldn't have dated him even that long for, but I just kind of wanted to know if I was maybe in the wrong about him, but talking about it, let's me know it was probably for the best for this and the other reasons.

Recommended Questions

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • You are the one being cheap. It amazes me how entitled you are. Women want to be taken seriously in the workforce, make money, AND NOT PAY. You literally want to make money and keep it.

    • First, calm down. Let me explain this to you b/c you completely misunderstood. Like I said, I'm a go dutch girl. I do not mind paying etc., but when a date tells me, rather then allows me the chance to even offer to pay, that I am going to pay for this or that, that's where I had the problem. Imagine if we were on a date and I told you that you are going to pay for this dinner or this movie. Does that not sound demanding to you? Do you feel awesome about paying considering you weren't given the chance to even say of your volition, sure I've got this? When the check comes, usually I'm like I've got it, but to hear: "you're paying for this," is essentially very rude.

    • Show All
    • @asker Guys ask women out because women won't ask men out.

    • or maybe because they really like the girl and want to ask her out. I'm sorry if more women don't ask you out and you may be upset or wanting that to happen more for you, I don't know, as I don't know you, but really back to the initial comments, this was the first guy I ever encountered who made money seem like the be all end all and it was and still is off putting to me. Money is important, but when you're in a relationship/courting someone, the idea is to make them feel like they are liked, loved, appreciated, and that doesn't really come from making them feel like they owe you for every little crumb. Someone should not dictate, in my book, what they think someone has to do for them. That's not cool if you're the guy or you're the girl in that relationship. That's all.

  • I'm with you. Paying isn't fun but like, it's a date, so it shouldn't be calculated like that. It would be like giving a X-mas gift, then telling the person how much you spent and expecting a gift of equal value back from them. I think a guy should be ready and able to pay for everything and then see if the girl at least offers. If she never offers, then it's up to him whether to ask her out again. Whoever asked the other person out and decided where to go should take more responsibility on the date, which includes the responsibility to pay for everything if necessary.

    So basically: Guys, don't ask a girl for money on a date. Girls, don't take it as a given that you'll be asked out again if you never offer.

  • Dude if the guy feels like you owe him then its not a date, its more like a i took you out and spend money on you now you have to do something for me.

    Usually in date, a gentleman would pay for the first date, generally 60%+ of every other next date, this shows that the guy is more dependable for income. Of course the girls sometime show off sometimes, but only if the girl says she will be paying, etc.


What Girls Said 2

  • Honestly, I don't think he was being that unreasonable. The economy sucks - maybe he couldn't afford to pay for everything for you. Besides, if it was a first date, he doesn't know necessarily if there will even be a second date, so him paying for dinner and you paying for the movie seems 100% fair to me.

    • That's not the issue at all. I have no problems with paying for dates, but I do have a problem with is someone making it seem like I owe them for a date, even one they have asked me on. If you're out on a date and your date literally stops and tells you, you will be paying for this, period... how would that make you feel? No matter the person, he or I, that person should offer to pay on their own, rather than be told to pay. I never told him, you are going to pay for this or that. I don't want anyone feeling like they are obligated to pay for me. I'm happy as a lark going on a cheap date to the park where I cook the lunch and we just hang out, but I what I don't want is someone making me feel as if I owe them for everything rather than a mutual situation where I offer, he offers...

    • I don't think he at all thought you owed him, I think he was just being upfront with what he wanted. Sure, it was a bit forward and could be interpreted as rude depending on how he worded it, but in general, asking someone to pay for the other half of the date to me isn't in poor taste.

      Mind you, being a prick about it or being demanding is rude, but that's due to the tone rather than the resolve he's trying to reach. If it was an issue, you could have told him that you have no issue paying but you don't appreciate him telling you what to do.

  • It's not such a bad thing to trade off paying but it sounds like the *way* he went about it was off putting. My thought is whoever asks out the other person pays as a way of thanking them for their time and then divvy things up however you like. So it's really nbd to split the bill. But always keeping track of it as obsessively as he was? Not attractive.

    • Thanks for your comments. That's the way I was taught about dates or any thing in which you, whoever you are, are asking someone else out. If you ask, you pay. If they ask, they pay... at least initially, and then money should not really be a thing with both of you kind of getting into a routine of you pay I pay, no one is keeping score. I just really didn't like that feeling that he was giving off as if I should be grateful for him paying and that I owe him. It was so off putting. It wasn't like what I'm used to which is, money isn't that big of a deal, not because anyone is rich, but because its equally shared, things are bought together, shared together, paid for together.

    • I totally 110% agree.

Recommended myTakes