Need serious advice on boyfriend problems?

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 17 years old. I do love him and I am still attracted to him. However, I don't feel the same way about him. Its not something as simple as "break up with him". We have three kids together. He started becoming emotionally abusive about two years into our relationship. The signs weren't there before, or maybe I simply overlooked them. He gets angry and punches walls or breaks our belongings by throwing them across the room. He hasn't become physical with me, although sometimes I am afraid he will over time. He just.. doesn't even care to spend time with me or the kids either. He would rather smoke a bunch of pot and go to sleep and sleep all day and stay up all night when everyone else is sleeping. He lacks any communication skill necessary to keep a relationship going. He's always been that way but the typical female trait in me hoped that he would change in the communication department as he got older.
Now, we haven't fought in around 6 months. Not even argued. His anger has subsided due to this and he hasn't been emotionally abusive during this time either. However, he has gone into this stage of him wanting me to baby him.. He hasn't had a job in almost 2 years now and that alone makes me start to have a bad taste in my mouth. I've been working nonstop just to pay our mortgage and bills, plus keep enough food on the table for our kids. I have brought up these issues with him and he will say things like "Well if we lose the house we can always go to my mothers." He thinks it is acceptable and that I should simply wait around for him to get off his ass.
I don't want to leave but its getting to the point where I am considering it. And it is completely emotionally and mentally destroying me. Not only do want the kids to grow up with both parents but I seriously thought I was going to marry this guy..


Most Helpful Girl

  • Well I would seriously evaluate my relationship, your children still can have their father in their lives, but doesn't mean you two have to be together. I would honestly not want my children to watch their father be useless and think its okay, then they might think its ok for me to do everything for them as your boyfriend probably does. It's honestly so unattractive that he doesn't have any goals, or aspirations, he thinks its acceptable to go live with his mum if you lose the house? He isn't even trying to help you with the bills.. you have 3 children not 4. Time to do something for yourself and your kids.


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  • Yes, the simple answer is to say "break up with him"; however, from what you wrote, it is obvious that there are so many layers regarding your relationship.

    I will say, though, that my answer to you would still be to break up with him (or, at least do a serious trial separation with him), and here's why I think it's time...

    I think you intuitively know that you've essentially come to the end of the road with him. You're bearing the full burden of ALL the responsibilities (work, bills, kids, food, etc.), and you shouldn't have to. In a way, you're taking care of four kids because your husband refuses to pull his weight. He has these tantrums and destroys things when things don't go the way he wants. Plus, he's not employed AND uses the money you're working so hard to make to buy pot. His solution is to move back with his mother? Those actions show that he is not a man who cares enough for his family.

    It's unfortunate that three kids are involved and weigh heavily on your reasons/decisions regarding this relationship. I know that you want your kids to grow up with both parents, but I don't think this is the best or healthiest relationship for that to happen. He's unemployed, he smokes pot, and he's emotionally abusive... that's not a pattern I want my kids to see. (Personally, I grew up with an emotionally abusive father who yells, slams doors, throws things, shouts insults, etc., every time things are not going his way. He's never been physically abusive, ever, but the toll of his actions still haunt me in my adult life... I am scared of loud noises, I'm ultra-aware of people's moods, I hate confrontation, it's made me paranoid, and has even affected some relationships I've had.) If he were just a down-and-out-of-luck man, I would say to stay for the kids, but since he is not, it's not healthy for you or for your kids. Plus, he doesn't even care to spend time with them, so there's really no benefit in staying for them just so that you two are under the same roof physically.

    I would suggest therapy or counseling, but from what you described, it doesn't seem like he'd even be willing to do that much. I really do feel like you've come to the end of the road and that it's best (for you and your kids) to break up... or, if that's not something you want to go full-force into, do a trial separation. Tell him you're serious that if he doesn't get his act together & pull his weight, the separation will become permanent.

    I wish you all the best, I really do.


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