I wrote a psychologist this message:


Dr. Nancy Kalish,

I know you stay very busy, but if you are can reply to this email it would be beneficial to my situation.

I am still recovering from my parent's affair with their first love, and it has really made me rethink about the girl I am dating.

I started dating this girl that goes to my college fairly recently. She is 18, I am 21. I asked her about her history (my fault), and she said she was in a serious relationship with this guy when she was 14 and 15 [her first serious relationship she states]. She can recall exactly how long she was with him (she said 2 years, 2 months).

There was a misunderstanding where she was accused of sending nude pictures to this other guy. As a result, her boyfriend broke up with her right before she went on a trip to France. Although they never had sex, she often fooled around with him. She said it affected her after she returned from her trip from France. She stated she could not remember how long it took her to get over him.

She stated she had a few short term relationships afterwards that did not last.

She is now a freshman in college and we have been dating. I know you said something about "outside factors" like parent disapproval, moving away, etc. was a common reason why people rekindle past romances. But would this situation be considered an "outside factor".

My fear is in a situation like this, if we hit it off, would there be a different outcome if her first love knew later in life that it was a misunderstanding? There could be more to the story I don't know.

She says she hardly thinks of him and that relationship was "lustful". I am still bothered by it.


Her reply was this:


She dated him for a significant time and there was (possibly) a misunderstand. Sure, that could rekindle.

But not everyone with a lost love profile goes back to a lost love. My research is with people who already tried a reunion. Of that population, they mostly have the profile you read about. But it doesn't follow from that that everyone who has this profile with try a reunion.

No way to predict the future. Falling in love is risky ("falling"). But to hold back and not love at all is worse.


I don't know if I can continue investing feelings into her. I just know there are much sweeter ooutcomes in the event she possibly reunites with him later in life.

I don't know what go do.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Loving someone always involves exposing yourself to risks. If you don't want to be exposed to risks, stop dating and stay locked in your house for the remainder of your life.

    • I rather live in solitude than to be with a woman who I know there are sweeter outcomes for her and her having more feelings towards other men.

    • You are making many assumptions that may not be valid and it is a reflection of your insecurities. She told you that she barely thinks of him and that the relationship was based purely on physical attraction. You never forget your first love so her statement was about as strong as you could expect.

      I had my first love in high school. I was smitten like a fuckin' kitten. I would have crawled over a mile of broken glass just to catch a glimpse of her panties. But that was years ago and I would never go back to her now. I have changed and she has changed. . . and even f she hadn't changed, I realize now that we would have never been compatible on any long term basis. Not everyone wants to tun back to their first love.

      Stop feeling sorry for yourself, go find that girl, and tell her how you really feel about her. If you don't, you will hate yourself for the rest of your life!

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