What to do about having feelings for a guy who has a girlfriend (who chose her over me)?

So, there's this guy (duh) and we both liked each other, which I say for certain because we voiced our feelings. All was well, we were talking for a solid 1-2 hours each day on messenger (probably not healthy, but I did it anyway) and flirting etc, and from what I understood, one of us was going to ask the other out (we both wanted to, but it was kind of like, who was going to be game enough to actually ask).

There's this girl at school, who isn't one of my closer friends, but nevertheless still a friend, and she knew that I was interested in this guy. She was also close to this guy, but to me (and everyone else I talked to) it seemed like a platonic friendship. She had feelings for another guy anyway, and I ignored my paranoia about her getting in the way/secretly having feelings for the guy I was interested in.

I showed up to school one day, and ask her how she's going with her crush, and she says very strongly 'I don't like him anymore, I like someone else'. The guy I was interested in happened to be in the classroom, and when I asked 'Who do you like now?' she made eye contact with him and kind of trailed off and conviniently someone else interrupted the conversation.

3 days later from this, she asks him out, and he rung me up to tell me that they were dating, and he said that he did have feelings for me, but he's known her since year 2 (I was new to the school at the start of this year) but he said you're georgeous and amazing etc and that there will be another guy who'll 'fall head over heels for me'. He apologized for leading me on too.

It was a rejection, loud and clear, and it stung, a lot. He chose the long time childhood friend over me, and fair enough.

But I still have feelings for him, in fact they seem to be getting stronger, and I just can't seem to get over him, and I've gone so far as to distance myself from him and his girlfriend too, because I can't stand being around either of them. What do I do to move on and not ruin our friendship? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated :)


Most Helpful Guy

  • You must accept the fact that you will never be able to have a relationship with this guy. Even if he dropped this other girl now and said that he wanted only you in his life, you would never be able to forget that you were his second choice and you probably would also be paranoid about someone else "stealing" him away from you.

    It is okay to hold on to some memories but you need to let go of him and move on with your life. Don't over-romanticize this in your head; of course it hurts, but other people have suffered similar hurts, they survived, and they moved forward. Your feelings will not abruptly disappear; they will slowly fade. You will never forget him so don't expect that to happen. Learn your lessons from this experience (moving too slowly in the early stages of a relationship doesn't work very well,) make yourself a better person from this experience, and use this to appreciate the next relationship that you do have.

    Good luck.

    • Thank you for your honesty, and I think I know that deep down that I wouldn't really be able to have a relationship with him, and I do have the tendency to over-romanticize things too. So what you're saying is that I should be doing reflection and consider what lessons I can take from this, and don't focus on what I did wrong etc. Again, thank you for your advice :) it helps me to put it in perspective

    • Yes, the romanticizing things is the worst. You think they were perfect and it would have lasted forever, etc., but it really wasn't like that; the romanticized ideas are just the way you wanted it to be.

      Feel free to PM me if you need advice or encouragement. Good luck!

Most Helpful Girl

  • Well, I personally think the only reason to why he is going out with her and not you, is because she asked him if he would like to go out with her, while you guys didn't. It was more like who was going to be more ballsy enough to do that. If that were the case, how come you didn't ask him out? You know that he likes you (he told you) so what else were you waiting for?

    You can move on, but that won't happen to easily. Occupying yourself or avoiding him in general, may be a good idea. That feeling won't go away, until you find someone else, unfortunately.

    • Thank you for your honesty, and I think you're on to something about asking him out, the only reason I was hesitant was because of a fear of rejection, which was intensified by me asking a guy out much earlier in the year, only to have him tell me 6 days later that he 'wasn't in the right head-space' and a lot of other bullshit, and that he couldn't bring himself to reject me when I asked.

      Yeah I think avoiding him and putting all my energy into something else is a good idea. I appreciate your advice and honesty, thank you :)

    • Show All
    • That sounds like two good pieces of advice to follow. Thank you again :)

    • You're more then welcome :)

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What Guys Said 1

  • You can't help these feelings, so continue to stay away from them until you are over them.. or until they break up, which if likely at this age...


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