If you were 27 and never had a gf/bf, never kissed anyone or got close or intimate, how would you feel, and what would you do?

How would you convince others of your worth?

Ok should probably add I had social anxiety and depression which is why I couldn't date in the past or get close to others. Also I get dates sometimes, get great vibes from them , but never got a 2nd date later, like they freak out about my past or something.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I went almost that long as a virgin and didn't lose my virginity until after I graduated at the age of 24.

    I was odd, spending the entire life before that as the "uber-nerd". I don't even mean "nerd" in the stereotypical sense -- I just didn't know how to talk to people, and instead focused on excelling at whatever I was doing (studies, sports, etc). Even with sports, I'd be the type that wouldn't talk much to the rest of the team and wouldn't hang out with them to party afterwards. I'd just train endlessly, and that made even the coolest things I did which normally made guys popular with ladies into a nerdy activity, since I was totally focused on the training and not at all on the fun stuff you do in between.

    There were a number of times I think girls might have liked me (not 100% sure). They'd watch me train and would try to talk to me after, and I noticed they were always playing with their hair and laughing at half the things I said when I didn't even think what I said was very funny. I had such a low self-esteem at the time that I was afraid they were laughing at me and would often try to find an excuse to leave as soon as possible.

    Then after uni, and through work, I got exposed to all kinds of naughty things from bars to night clubs to casinos. I met my share of loose women there and ones who kind of skipped all the subtle flirting signs and would just go straight for a kiss or something like that, making it so I couldn't second-guess myself as to whether they liked me or were teasing me.

    I definitely didn't find any wife material there, but soon lost my virginity. Then I saw the world through whole new eyes. I no longer became afraid of women, didn't put them on a pedestal as goddesses out of my league, etc. I didn't find any good girlfriend material in those kinds of bar and night club establishments, but I definitely got "experience". After that I started finding decent girlfriends through networking -- friends of friends of friends. It became easier to become reasonably social, look forward to weekends of hanging out with friends, etc.

    Anyway, this is kind of a tangent but I really think you're overdue to lose your virginity, unless you don't desire to lose it for some reason. That's respectable too -- I don't think I ever felt true loneliness in those 24 years of virginity, but I always wanted to know what it was like to be with a woman. It's not so hard to lose it if you know where to go for "experience" first and love later.

    • Not sure I could do that to myself though because I would feel uncomfortable with someone without knowing them first reasonably well. I definitely want to experience sex, but more than that I just desire female company so bad, just want to cuddle, kiss, fall asleep with them next to me in a loving embrace with locked eyes etc.

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    • In my case, I had *zero* friends when I moved after uni. So I had to make my first at a bar. Then met his friends, and his friends' friends. Then started attending birthday parties, weddings, social events, just weekends out with these groups. I met lots of women that way, and I'd say I had about a 2% success rate. Maybe for every 50 women I talked to and found interesting, one would be interested in me back and we could go out on a date.

    • Yeah, it's tough -- but your odds go up drastically if you put yourself out there. I'm not a smooth talker, have never been. I got to the point where I could get comfortable talking to even the most attractive women, but was never smooth, suave. And I'm not the best-looking -- was physically fit but never had the best-looking face or anything like that. So I only had, I'd say, that 2% chance. But 2% is workable if you can get into settings where yo you talk to hundreds of women -- you have to kind of pursue those, whatever your personal odds are.

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What Girls Said 1

  • I'd have to go find a different source of confidence for me. A hobby, academics, career, great group of friends, etc. I wouldn't want to feel unworthy just because of a lack of a love life, and I definitely wouldn't want to feel the need to convince others of my worth.

    • thanks, good advice. Normally I'd have lots of hobbies and seeing friends but I had leg surgery a while back and haven't been able to get out much in the last few months which has definitely contributed to me feeling down. Finding someone to be with and a job within my current limitations are my only real motivations atm.

What Guys Said 7

  • Don't worry so much about how other people would feel if they were in that position, focus on yourself (since I assume you are in that position).

    How come you haven't had any relationship? Is it because of some moral or religious issue?

    I would wonder about your family life / upbringing first of all... Do you / have you ever had a close relationship with your parents or siblings, where you could be emotionally open and close? Or was your family very distant and cold?

    Are you very shy and unconfident and therefore are afraid to put yourself in a position where you might make a close connection with someone?

    I think you need to work on believing that you are worth it first of all, rather than trying to convince others of your worth. People like people who like themselves, if you don't love and accept yourself for who you are, then other people will have a very difficult time being attracted to you.

    If you radiate confidence and actually love yourself as you are, are comfortable in your own skin, other people will pick up on that and want to be around you.
    It's not about physical appearance or how much money you have, what kind of car you drive, or what clothes you wear... That surface level stuff has much less to do with it than the invisible part of who you are beneath the surface level.

    You might want to see about establishing a relationship with a therapist, learn to be comfortable being open and close (in a professional way) with one so that you get used to that sort of intimacy (again, professional, not romantic or sexual) and can maybe work out any kinks in the way your brain has learned to handle relationships with others.

    Don't beat yourself up about your situation though, just realize that you (probably) want to make a change in that area of your life and start taking steps in that direction.

    Aside from working on yourself, what about challenging yourself to go outside your comfort zone a little at a time... First just introduce yourself to strangers. Then try introducing yourself and then complimenting strangers. Then do that and say "If you're available, I'd be interested in maybe getting coffee some time and get to know you" or something like that, and make it a goal to get rejected 10 times. By making rejection your goal, you won't feel bad about it, and you'll get used to it. And, odds are, you'll get some dates from it, too!
    These sorts of things will start building up your self confidence.

    Hope this helps!

    • Thanks man thats some great stuff there. I've been ok with family but feel my mum caused me to be unconfident. Don't feel thats an issue now, i dont get nervous on dates or anything, girls just make things hard for me to connect after the first date.

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    • Interesting... Are you sure it's not you that's dropping the ball? Maybe she's sitting there wondering why you didn't call her back or how come you didn't hold her hand or give her a kiss? That could be it too...

    • Nah she said b4 the date I just want to meet up casually like friends sort of. Then after we were in contact a bit, she gave me her fb then she dropped off taking ages to respond

  • Convince people of your own worth? You don't have to.

    Don't obsess with this worry and self-pity. Strive to excel! Secure and establish yourself in your workplace. Get a hobby and (sure, suck in it in the beginning, but strive to eventually) become great in it. Volunteer and contribute to the community as well as you can. Ooze satisfaction in life. Walk with a mission.

    Don't try to consciously and verbally try to convince people of your worth. Live your life such that you naturally reduce the very question to absurdity just by doing what you always do without even thinking about it.

    • I don't consciously think about having to prove my worth, its just seems like people are nice to me in the beginning and think well of me, but then disappear once they realise I haven't had a girlfriend before. I can't change that and I'm not getting any younger so what the heck can I do? Make up shit so they don't know about my past? I don't want to lie about who I am, but I'm not screaming out to everyone I'm a loser who's never been close to a women before so I don't get it.

  • Well... I am not in that situation, but I don't really have to 'convince' my worth to anyone. I'd rather remain single for life, than trying to convince people to see that I'm worthy of dating. Their loss, not mine.

    • Don't you ever feel sad or lonely because of it though? If someone you liked came along, you'd try go out with them right?

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    • If you are a likeable person, don't let your past dictate your present. Just relax, and things will be fine! Your situation is MUCH MUCH better4 than mine. :)

    • I'd love to but it just feels like bad luck. Like after the same thing happens with so many girls, you start to wonder if the problem is with me you know?

  • Man, you a sage. And I only made it to 12. I kinda feel proud of you.

  • Honestly, I'd put a bullet in my head.

    Not saying you should - I'm just something of a sex addict.

    • Ha, yeah sex that good is it? It has somewhat contributed to me nearly committing suicide in the past. I keep hoping it'll get better.

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    • What's your major? I'm gonna be feeling that burn when I graduate with a diploma in Physics - realistically, since I'm specializing in theoretical physics, I'm useless in every sector other than academia. My only choice is a doctorate, really, then hopefully a research job.

    • Well they fucked up my course so there isn't really a major lol. Did Sport and leisure management

  • My right hand is a very cheap date, which leaves me more money for beer.

  • To be honest, I know those feels. I'm 23 and same as you. I've best friends who are female but nothing really in terms of romance. I've always been the misfit (because of open mind and beliefs) in the society of my area. I am forced to stay hidden and quiet.
    Anyway I don't believe in convincing others of my own worth. If they know it, good; if they don't, their loss. I realised that just couple of years ago. People literally verbally abused me for being who I am. I didn't have any friend except one girl. I still haven't even touched a girl's hand (except that friend; she's sister like).
    Some things made me realise that it's nothing bad. Romance isn't necessary to live happily. So I got that weight off my chest and suddenly I had few more friends. Gained confidence. Life automatically improved. Another girl became my best friend and now I'm in love. Sooner or later this year I'm going to confess.

    In short, have confidence, stop worrying about it, believe in yourself and focus on other parts of life. One day you'll something. I know because I had lost hope of even getting a 2nd friend and thought that I'd never feel anything at all but it all changes as soon as you stop worrying about it and start believing in yourself. I know, I'm not there but in some time I'll be there.

    So believe in yourself! Good luck mate!

    • I just saw the update. I've also just recovered from depression. I still have anxiety. It's hard to get rid of.