If someone didn't find you attractive but now wants a relationship?

Question

If someone didn't find you attractive but now wants a relationship?

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I overthink everything but would that make you feel insecure?

If someone openly told you that to start with, they didn't really think you were their type and weren't attracted to you, but now after spending more time together want a relationship with you.

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RJGraveyTrain

That'd be a solid no.

If someone initially tells me I'm not their type and not attractive to them then they are not the kind of person I want to be with. I would immediately fall under the impression that they are relying on me as either a last resort or if they like my personality alone, which is nice and all, but if I felt physically unattractive to my partner that would detrimentally damage our intimate relationship.

If they don't see my value or see me as physically attractive from the very beginning then they need to accept that this completely removes the possibility of us ever being together.

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- daintydollface
  
  Thank you for answering :)
  
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- RJGraveyTrain
  
  You're welcome.
  
  Reply

What Guys Said 10

AleDeEurope

I would think something's going on, I'll probably think she's trying to trick me, but that can happen, cause it has happened to me, where I didn't find a girl attractive but I started spending time with her and I ended up falling for her.
If I were you I wouldn't jump into the relationship straight away, I'd wait and spend time with him to see if he really wants you, just in case.

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- daintydollface
  
  Thank you, definitely...
  
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TonyRyan

I'd feel like that was settling, which no one should do. Lack of attraction can definitely screw you down the line if a relationship is pursued.

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- daintydollface
  
  Ah, well damn. :( probably true.
  
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Nicu11

Would never date that person, because I'm a bit greedy and I want to know that the person I'm dating looks at me with desire and admires my mind and body.

I feel like I would just a way to pass time until something perfect comes along for them.

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HikerDude

That can certainly happen. Sometimes people don't realize how much they like you until they get to know you. I know that girls hate this, though, because y'all always want to feel like your guy is more attracted to you than you are to him. Y'all don't like feeling like your guy has the upper hand, so to speak.

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- daintydollface
  
  I wouldn't say it's that, I'm just really insecure and have this thing that I'd be embarrassed if someone was with me, so if someone felt that way it's fine but I'd feel like... I dunno. I'm not sure where I was going with that just writing as I think! Thanks for answering though :)
  
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TheWorldEndsWithYou

Hell no he lost his shot after he didn't find you attractive

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Avilric

naaah that's just because someone's not getting action with someone better and as soon as that happens, you're done.

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Nerdvana

What can you say some people like a fungus they grow on you

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Frost_Byt3

Well I'd flat out reject her anyway.

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I_am_repulsive

It's the settler and reacher thing

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- daintydollface
  
  Reacher?
  
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- I_am_repulsive
  
  In other words, one person in the relationship settles for the other, who is involved in a relationship with someone out of his or her league, the settler. It's a stupid theory really
  
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- daintydollface
  
  Ah, I get you... thanks for answering :)
  
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Anonymous

Yeah, that would be a big warning flag.

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What Girls Said 4

Cynicalnbroken

I would possibly tell them to beat it. If they aren't at least somewhat attracted it won't work out. But that's just coming from about 90 years combined of relationships that I've seen at the end of those 50/20/10 years and it's not pretty - no pun intended. They both have resented eachother for not being what they want or caring for them how they want.

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Dog19

Your fat.

Boy- kill yourself! Your overweight!

Girl loses weight

Your pretty now let's date!

You want to date a guy like this?

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Lioness

If this is a guy saying to a girl, no way. If it's a girl saying to a guy then it can work.

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- daintydollface
  
  Was a guy saying it to me. Why do you think would it be any different if it was the other way around?
  
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- Lioness
  
  Because for guys, physical attraction (at first) is most important. If they are not attracted to a girl in the beginning then chances are they are compromising in some way. For girls, we can grow to become attracted to our partner with their personality which makes them even more attractive to us. I have never heard of a guy becoming attracted to a girl because of her personality, usually it's the opposite. The guy is FIRST attracted to the girl then grows to really like the girl due to her personality.
  
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- tyber1
  
  I've become attracted to someone because of their personality
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 That is not the norm, but I suppose anything is possible... so what happened with that relationship? Still together?
  
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- tyber1
  
  No its happened more than once but they never went anywhere.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 Why didn't those relationships go anywhere?
  
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- tyber1
  
  Mostly shit timing or neither of us made a move.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 So then your experiences with being attracted later rather then in the beginning have not been successful? This is what I'm saying, it doesn't work.
  
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- tyber1
  
  Don't try to put those fucking words in my mouth. That isn't what I said and you know it.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 Well you don't have to be vulgar, I'm just trying to make a point so the OP understands this is not a good idea for her.
  
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- tyber1
  
  You are wrong and if you are going to twist my words for your own agenda I will be as fucking vulgar as I want. Neither of those reasons I gave suggest that a man can't grow to like a woman for her personality.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 Calm down, you are the one who jumped in and now that you have shared your own failed experiences, you have proved my point. Thank you :)
  
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- tyber1
  
  You're only saying it's wrong and it doesn't happen because nobody has grown to like you for yours.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 My experience has been the guy is attracted to me, and becomes even more attracted to me as he learns my personality. This has worked very well for me. It would be unnatural for a man to HAVE to become physically attracted, unless maybe you are demisexual?
  
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- tyber1
  
  That doesn't mean you have a great personality, it means they think you're cute and your personality is at least passable. If you're 34 years old and no guy has thought you were interesting for your personality it may be because it's not that great. Not demisexual, I thought most of my crushes were sexy before I ever spoke with them.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 You my friend, are the one who is showcasing an unattractive personality, not me but nice try :P
  
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- tyber1
  
  You're the one who started shit I'm just putting you back in your place where you belong. Maybe in the future I will be nicer if you don't twist my words to fit your narrative (and subsequently ignore the fact that the point I was making would require an embarrassing look into your own shortcomings)
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 Really? Because you butted into my convo with the OP, Talk about twisting around narratives. smh. Here's a little tid bit to chew on while I get you some ice for your EGO, everyone has shortcomings.
  
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- tyber1
  
  I butted in because you were wrong. I never made any false claims, you did. If you hadn't started shit by blatantly lying about what I was saying I wouldn't have gotten nasty here.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 I wasn't lying, you admitted none of those relationships worked out. The only thing you proved was that yes, a guy can grow to be physically attracted, but what good is that if it doesn't go anywhere? Sorry to have "used" you as an example, but you were wrong it doesn't work :/ If you can share an example where it does, then please share and enlighten us all.
  
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- tyber1
  
  Are you fucking dense? Yeah, none of them worked out but not one of those times had a systematic flaw which made it impossible. The reasons they didn't work out are the same reasons things didn't work out with plenty of other girls.
  
  I honestly don't know how you're not understanding this. It's really fucking simple.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 I don't think you understand my point... the fact that none of them worked out is not a positive example toward proving your theory. It's like if someone says "people really love those green apples" But then no one is buying them, where is the proof? It doesn't matter the logistics of why/why not I'm talking bottom line here. That's all.
  
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- tyber1
  
  Okay I'll roll with your example. Say there's two baskets of apples at a small store. One is green apples and the other is red apples. If only 2 apples are sold and they're both red, does that mean that nobody eats green apples? No, now stop being a fucking moron.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 Well I tell ya what it does mean, it means that no one is buying the green apples. And why are they not buying the green apples, because they are sour like your attitude.
  
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- tyber1
  
  Or maybe it is a small sample size, genius.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 So now you are comparing yourself to a "small sample size?" hmm ok :P
  
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- tyber1
  
  Oh haha a penis joke so clever bravo
  
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- Lioness
  
  @tyber1 Not really, but listen while you are digging your self a hole I'm gonna grab some water... would you like some?
  
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- johnnywoods
  
  I have fell in love with a girl but I wasn't attracted to her at first. We both used to hate each other. And then we started dating. Our relationship lasted for five years. I became more attracted to her. She broke up with me because she fell in love with someone else in college. Stop stereotyping. Not every guy is the same.
  
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- Lioness
  
  @johnnywoods So what you are saying is it didn't work out for you. Interesting.
  
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Anonymous

i would def not give that person a chance. they are clearly flaky. don't know what they want and change their mind easy. that is a person who probably would cheat in near future.. trust me i met a lot of guys. it's why i am not dating anymore. sick of the crap they bring into my life lol not worth it

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dangerDoge · Accepted Answer · 2016-01-23T17:17:21Z

dangerDoge

I feel like a relationship would be bad idea if she still found you unattractive. Someone who can overlook any physical flaw (aka someone who only cares about personality) is one thing, but it is a problem if the person does care about looks yet imagines your personality will make up for it.

Here's why:
-- As a person with a partner who doesn't find you attractive, you might start feeling like you need to compensate. Rather, you may be thinking that you aren't good enough.

-- Many people in this situation would be most likely paranoid that the SO would be going for someone else as well... Like being worried that she seeks fulfillment for your own flaws.

-- It could lead to a person feel like they are being settled upon. I imagine that is kind of an awful feeling.

daintydollface

Thank you... he's a really great guy and our humour is exactly the same so it's always really comfortable talking to him, but I just don't feel good enough and it's stuck in the back of my head.

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dangerDoge

I guess a guy told you this? Wow, rude. You look fine-- don't worry about what he says. :)

Although I know that it once doubt starts to spread, it is incredibly difficult to get rid of the doubt with any amount of complimenting words.
If he told you, "you aren't my type and I'm not really attracted to you," I would stick as friends personally. Doubt like that is very hard to get away and could lead to the things above.

However, if he didn't say that and this is simply imagination, you still have a chance for sure. Often times, people play tricks on themselves and tell that they aren't good enough. The reality may not be the same as what one is thinking though.

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daintydollface

It was a 20 questions kind of thing - one of the questions was what your first impression was of eachother and he said that I wasn't his type and he'd not been attracted to me kinda thing but not to take it the wrong way. That's why I don't know if I am overthinking it, because I always do, but I can't get it out my head anytime I spend time with him to be honest! If someone didn't think you were attractive then that's not going to change and I'd feel embarrassed for them being with me, I dunno!

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dangerDoge

To clarify on your current status with him:
Are you two dating but not in an official relationship yet? Or are you just friends who hang out with each other because you get along well?

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daintydollface

I didn't think it was dates after that comment but he said something since that would make me think otherwise... sorry, I'm useless.

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dangerDoge

It is alright. I'm here to help you (or at least try to help), don't feel bad. You aren't useless!

In any case, here's my advice:
If you don't think you'll be able to get rid of the feelings of doubt in your head but still want to try dating him, I would confront directly. Just ask him if he finds you attractive and just explain why if he asks. Confronting may seem a bit awkward if not risky, but I think this is the only way to get rid of the doubt. Otherwise the doubt will ruin any moment with him from here on out.

If he says no again or if you simply don't want to confront him, I would personally move on. Being feeling like you are settled will only drag the relationship down if happened to start. (The reasons in my original answer).

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daintydollface

Thank you :) I move away quite soon anyway so I don't know what's going to happen regardless. Just confusing because he's making comments about me not going and he wants to keep trying to see eachother. But could be the whole settling thing I suppose...

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If someone didn't find you attractive but now wants a relationship?

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