Girlfriend puts little effort into relationship or am I just being selfish?

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and we've been through some rough patches but have always solved the issues. It just feels as though I'm putting most of the effort into the relationship, I post pictures of her all over social media showing her off, send her really really long loving messages, take her out to dinner or ice cream, I pay for the things we do when we go out, I hold the door open for her including the car door, I buy her flowers and snacks from time to time, I've been there for her for hours when she's needed me or if she was in the hospital, I text her good morning and call her beautiful.

But she barely posts me on social media, in fact most of the time its because I bring it up that she hasn't, she doesn't watch the funny videos I send her, she's only sent me a long message once or twice, and I call her every night to say goodnight and hear her voice before I go to bed. But if I don't call it doesn't happen. I keep the conversation alive most of the time when we talk over text, and when we haven't seen each other in a while I'm the first person to say I miss you. I've bought her a promise ring that was really expensive and I just feel like she feels I'm not going anywhere so she doesn't have to try anymore.

Even in sex she'll just lay there and let me do all the work and she doesn't even bother giving head even though its a necessity for me to give her. When I bring up anything that bothers me like I have in the past the problems will be fixed for like a week and she'll go back to doing the same things again. Is there something I'm doing wrong here? Or am I just expecting too much?

I'd also like to add that she only tells me certain things after the fact, I'll ask her questions before situations and I'll be given no answers and she'll tell me later saying that she thought she told me. It just feels like she has no spark, I'll be the one to kiss her if we kiss, if she wants to kiss she'll just purse her lips and wait for me to come and kiss her. If we hold hands its because I took her hand, and if we cuddle its because I initiate it.


Most Helpful Girl

  • It sounds like she is taking advantage to me - you do a lot for her and don't sound like you get much back. With all the stuff you said you do in the first paragraph I'd tone it down - perhaps she might miss it and realise what you're doing for her, and if not at least you're not using all that time/energy/money and getting nothing back.

    A relationship is meant to be a partnership, so you should both be bringing something to it.

    Doesn't sound to me like you're expecting too much, you just want equal levels of input and effort.

    If I were you I'd sit her down and have a serious talk about it, but give her an ultimatum this time, that she needs to change for good. If she can't you might have to leave her and find someone who appreciates your efforts, even if it hurts now it'll make you happier in the long term to be with someone who treats you well too.

    • I don't even want equal levels of effort I just want a shimmer of effort at this point. A little initiation for show that there's a spark of love that is driving compassion so uncontrollably that it makes her want to do something. Even if its as little as grabbing me and kissing me or initiating cuddling or sex or anything really. I don't like ultimatums and given the fact that I've given her a promise ring I can promise you that this girl means the world to me and that is why I've been willing to put up with it for such a long time. I've had conversations with her about effort in the past and honestly it makes me feel pathetic. That I can't drive her wild or if I'm doing something so wrong that I have to actually ask or beg for something as little as effort or small little signs of her love.

    • Like I said I think the problem is all with her, and you sound like a generous guy, and I'm guessing she knows that and kind of thinks she can get away with treating you like that because you don't seem like the sort of guy to get mad. Don't take it as a failure on your part or feel pathetic about it, you are right to want those things and shouldn't have to be repeating yourself to her over and over again.

      In terms of the physical stuff (kisses etc.) I can't really comment on that, as there may be a reason she is unhappy (although after a year it seems unusual), perhaps that is something you guys can discuss. You mentioned she was in the hospital, was that anything that could impact it?

      Ultimately if she won't change you have to make the decision about whether it's something you are prepared to put up with - but if you're thinking about wanting to marry or have kids with this girl in the future would you want her to put that lack of effort and emotional distance into a family?

Most Helpful Guy

  • Talk with her about your concerns. Those things you mentioned are immaterial to me

    • I know that communication in a relationship is extremely important and I try to keep that healthy with her. It's just why would I have to have a conversation like this with her? She tells me that she loves me so why do I feel like there's no meaning behind it because there are no actions to back it up ya know? Also what do you mean by immaterial?

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • Expecting too much? No. Giving too much? Yes. You're exactly right when you say she knows you're not going anywhere so she doesn't have to try anymore. Back off a little bit. Let her come to you more often. Start doing your own thing and stop making your life all about her. If she loves/care for you she'll smarten up. If she doesn't, move on.


What Guys Said 1

  • No, it's her. She either doesn't care about the relationship, or takes you for granted. Recommendation, confront her and tell her about it, and explain that you don't want it to change for just a week. If she listens, great. If not, that's your call.

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