Did my attraction to him blind me to red flags on the first date?

It lasted 6 1/2 hours and it felt like we were just best friends talking. We changed venues 3 times and it just seemed like we clicked. However, after the fact, a few things have started to bother me:

1) He brought up his ex within the first hour. I mentioned wanting to have a career where I interview people with mental disorders for court cases. He said that was funny because he knew someone like that and brought up that his ex that is schizophrenic and crazy. He said he couldn't do that job.

2) As we were sitting by the water, he said his dad was too cheap to buy a boat. Earlier that night, he said his dad, who taught him to be chivalrous, usually picks up the entire tab when out to eat with a group. That kinda sounds like a contradiction?

3) We were talking about Who's Who in high school and I told him what 4 categories I won. He said he got "Most Chivalrous." Is that even a category? He knows that chivalry is a big thing with me and it kept coming up over the course of our date.

4) We got off on exes again - I told him I had a crazy ex too - and he said she was on multiple pills, he tried to get her help, she threatened suicide multiple times, came at him with a knife, and he waited until she was stable 5 months ago to break off a 6 year relationship, despite his family hating her. I asked if she hit him and he said yes, but that he just brushed it off.

5) He's been active on the dating website we met on, but has been REALLY slow in answering my messages. He just seems very disconnected.

6) When he first messaged me, I didn't message back for a whole day and he asked if he had said something to make me not want to talk to him. This doesn't seem like the same guy who barely texts me...

He kinda seemed awkward, but he was attractive. My biggest concern is that he's not been single long. Why be so eager to talk in the beginning, but barely texting once you have my number? I invited him on our date to my friend's party this weekend... having second thoughts.


Most Helpful Guy

  • This is typical female patsy psychology... If you go to multiple places they feel like they've been on multiple dates and spent more time with you... They feel like they went on an adventure with more memories and that they are close to you... You've been played and aren't smart enough to know the difference...

    • Dude... I suggested the venue changes. Lol.

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    • My purpose was not to introduce him to friends, as I'm not even really close with these friends, but to get to know him better in a group environment.

      Perhaps change of venue was a mistake on my end. Lol.

    • If it was even your idea to begin with... The power of suggestion is powerful...

Most Helpful Girl

  • So what's really the problem here? You went out on a date. Sounds like you had a good time. And on that date you learned some things about him that led you to believe he's probably not the right guy for you right now. I don't see what the big deal is here. If you don't like him, move on to the next guy on the dating site. If you do like him, then go out and have some more fun and stop focusing on all these things you mentioned. They have nothing to do with that moment when you're on the date. Just HAVE FUN.

    • That was my plan and I liked him, but he seems like the kind of man I shouldn't be having fun with: one that's emotionally unavailable. Should I cancel Saturday?

    • Oh go have fun, there is never anything wrong with that (as long as it's not illegal and nobody is getting hurt.) Just don't invest your heart into it. Keep it light & simple, focus on simply having a good time. Live in the moment and then let it go when it's over. Tell the judgmental monkey mind to be quiet. :)

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 2

  • Too intense for a first date I'd say, but if your gut is telling you certain things seem off and will cause problems later, listen to your instinct!

    • So, could you elaborate on what you mean by intense? Too in depth and personal? Why would a man share those things so readily?

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    • Exactly. That's what made me really think about this situation.

    • He shared those things because they were on his mind and he felt comfortable enough to share them with you and perhaps may not be the best at the whole dating game (meaning: knowing what to say and not what to say on a first date).

  • I recently had a thing with this guy, and when I reflect back on the things he was saying and doing, I start to think that maybe there were actually quite a few red flags that I hadn't given much attention to beforehand. I was head-over-heels for him within the first 2 weeks. But, he too, had brought up his ex-girlfriend twice on our first date. Something else that seemed off was that one time he'd invited me over to his house the night before, but then when I came over, he had seemed as though he didn't even want to get up to answer the door. I was pretty blinded by his charm, and wasn't able to see a lot of the red flags before it was too late and he basically ghosted me.