Should I have 'the talk' with the guy I'm 'dating'?

Sorry for this long novel I'm about to write, but I'd love all feedback. I met a guy on okcupid. We hit it off well. We've gone on multiple dates and when I'm with him everything is great. It's been a little over a month and things are great, when we're together. But when we aren't he's not a big texter, which is fine sometimes. I constantly feel like I'm bugging him if I text him, he replies with one word answers or sometimes doesn't reply. He told me from the beginning he's not big into texting and he's not really ever on his phone in person, so I understand. But I do get insecure when we're not together. We see each other multiple times on the weekends and maybe once or twice during the week if our Schdules allow.
I'm ready to jump to the next level and introduce him to my family, but I want sercuity first. We've never talked about where we want our relationship to go, and I don't know how to bring it up, or when... Without scaring him off.
i feel like because this is on my mind and he hasn't given me any clues to how he feels, I've distanced myself recently. I'm not sure if I should go forth with bringing up how I feel, or when the timing is right, or what not. What do I say? How do I say it? When do I say it? Mind you, I've been single for 4 years and my last ex is the one who brought all of this stuff up, so I've never had to be the one to bring it up. Of course I'm scared of rejection but I want to know what's going on with us, without scaring him off.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Read the book by John Gray, Mars and Venus on a date. you are in stage two... so all is normal. Guys sometimes are slow at this and you are right, too much pressure could scare him off, but your backing away could do more damage because he deson't know why and may assume you aren't interested.

    I'd open the discussion and ask questions or state your position... that you'd like to commit to dating him and he to you... that is what you want.

    The amount of time spent and such has to be negotiated. I don't like texsting either, but maybe a call each day or every other day. gotta be careful, this can be too much for some people. Girls get this way.. wanting to be drawn near moreso than guys... especially if he's an introvert.

    • He's definitely an introvert. Which is off putting at times because I don't get much out of him. That's why I want to being things up. I think I'll just bring them up casually, and very lightly. I'm not ready to get married or even have a gf/bf label. I just want to know that we're headed on a more serious road than we have been. Thanks for your advice. I'll look into that book, been looking for a good read anyways.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes you should have the talk with him. It doesn't matter how he feels, what matters is how YOU feel. And you obviously feel bothered by his lame texting. Which is understandable, I'd feel bothered too. Hell, I think I'd even dump him.

    All these guys telling you to relax and how you're over-reacting... geez. It just tells me how much they don't give a damn about our needs. It's one thing not giving a damn about texting, but a totally different thing not giving a damn about what bothers us. One guy wrote that you distancing yourself is not good because he might take it as a lack of interest, well about his awful texting skills gives YOU the impression that he's not interested. Relationships are all about meeting and respecting each others needs, even when we think those needs are stupid.
    Just ask yourself, are you 100% sure that you want to continue this relationship giving a fact that he is a lame texter and it's never gonna change? Because it's not gonna change. You are in a stage where you should be all over each other, the honey-moon phase, and it seems to me like you're not feeling it. Imagine how it will be after a year then, he will text you back in like a week lol.
    Anyways, talk to him nicely about it and see where it goes. I once had the same problem with a guy I was dating and when I confronted him he got angry and called me insecure, needy and that I'm over-reacting. I dumped his ass right there because I don't need a boyfriend who's gonna react that way on my concerns. Yes I am needy and sometimes insecure, are you gonna attack me for being me or are you gonna do something about it, you know? He choose to attack me and I choose to move on.

    • Wow, that was very insightful. I do feel like I need to put my feelings out there just to let him know how I'm feeling. I don't expect him to change what so ever, but I do expect him to acknowledge how I feel and where I'm coming from. I'm not trying to come off clingy or insecure and I don't need him to text back every minute or hour, but when I text you at least show interest in what I'm saying. I'm going to have a talk with him soon. On Monday I fly to Phoenix for a couple days and I'm going to tell him how I feel before that and let him think things through while I'm gone and if that doesn't help then I can handle things on my own. Thank you for sharing your concerns with me and not making me feel stupid for thinking that way I do!

    • You should never feel stupid for the way you feel. :) It's no ones fault actually, it's just that you're not on the same page when it comes to certain things. And as much as it sucks, it happens and it's normal, people breakup all the time because of it. I used to adjust my needs and ignore my feelings for the sake of not loosing someone I'm in love with, but I realized that the older we get we become more selfish and red flags are not red flags anymore, they are dealbreakers. My guy wasn't a bad guy, hell I liked him a lot, but we had different view on dating and we didn't feel the same about certain things. I just had to be strong enough to end it because I believe that somewhere out there, there is a person for me who's view is same as as mine. I don't want to risk never meeting him just because I settled with a "so and so" relationship. I just asked myself "Wouldn't be awesome he was different? I would have everything!". And that's when I actually lost interest in him.

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What Guys Said 3

  • I don't think this is something you need to have a 'talk' about. Most guys in general do not tend to prefer texting much. You're just being paranoid.

    • Yes, sometimes we go 3 days without talking, which would be fine if I knew where things stood between us, but since I don't my mind gets the best of me.

  • 1. I applaud you for going on okcupid. I am way to nervous to ever try a dating site for fear of being judged by friends or family.
    2. I think that you should just ask, because some people are slow in relationships and some are quicker. If you really like the guy and want to know if your relationship is going anywhere just ask. Because if he doesn't think anything of you than you are just wasting your time! If he doesn't feel comfortable answering he might of had past relationships that did not work out very well so he might be trying to get an overall vibe from you still. If he doesn't want to answer he might either be to nervous to try to commit to anything or he might be looking for, "other things" which I doubt since you have went on multiple dates. Get back to me with your thoughts! This website is so much fun!

    • Yea I have thought about asking but when we're together everything seems great so I never bring it up. I guess I'll see how I feel next time we're together.
      As a girl with a lot of girl friends they keep badgering me to ask him what the deal is, and sometimes I just feel pressured by them to figure things out, but I think I'm going to let things come at their own speed and see where it goes from there. Thanks for the advice!

    • Sounds great! Best of luck!

  • You've scared me away and I'm not even dating you... freaking hell. Relax, enjoy each others company and let things unwind or ''have that talk'' and sabotage it.

    This is the problem... you have too much baggage.. been around the block too many times that you take all of the old luggage into a new airline and then wonder why the guy chose a different airline..

    • Hahahaba I love it. Thank you. This is why I haven't brought anything up to him. I keep it on the DL and that's why I brought it to the Internet before him. I appreciate the honesty.

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