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How can a guy be assertive or authoritative while still not being considered a jerk or an asshole?

I have heard time and time again countless complaints from female friends of mine about how all guys are jerks and they wished they could date a nice guy for once. Yet, when I ask how they are jerks, it sounds like the guys they date are too assertive and don't think about them enough. However, whenever I am in a long-term relationship, it always ends because the girl says I am 'too nice' and that I need to be more assertive. It comes as a shock to me how many girls are put off by that, yet when a guy is assertive, he's considered a jerk. So for girls, do you have an explanation for this, and for guys, has this ever happened to you? For example, I am apparently really sweet, treat them well, am very nice, take them out, talk to them all the time, give back rubs, shoulder massages, always come to see them, call them, text them in the morning, ask them how their day was, tell me how beautiful they are, etc. And I know the problem isn't that I'm smothering or anything like that, I've asked and they've always said that I do just the perfect amount where I'm not annoying. I have no problem disagreeing with them or telling them that they're wrong, and I make most of the big choices as well, yet apparently that's still considered not assertive enough.
How can a guy be assertive or authoritative while still not being considered a jerk or an asshole?
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