I've become okay with being a man's placeholder until he finds a girl he really wants. How can I change my mindset?

I'm 22 and no man I've ever been with has wanted a relationship with me. I've been told I'm a great friend and fun to hang out with but I'm not relationship material. When I started having sex it changed to me being a great friend and great person to fuck but still not relationship material. They date me until it fizzles out and/or a girl they want to settle down with comes.

I would stick around anyway, hoping they would change their mind. I'm in this situation now. I stay because I'm glad someone wants to spend time with me even though I know I won't be good enough to be their girlfriend. I've become okay with this and let it keep happening. I want to change my mindset, as well as who I am as a person and make myself girlfriend material.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Don't stay with guys who don't want a relationship, simple. You're definitely a relationship material and if after doing all that they still leave, their loss. Be with someone who actually wants to be with you, you're not a "placeholder", you're a person and I'm gonna assume a really good one at that ^^. Don't settle for anything less than what you want. Don't just be someone's fuck buddy. Just make sure he is with you for the right reasons and only then think of sleeping with him. And the kind of guys you're describing are idiots, simple. If it was me, I'll stick around, if you can put in the effort to try, why can't I? Have more faith in yourself^^. Don't undervalue yourself or allow others to do it :).

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Don't settle. There's no "oh maybe if I sleep with him he'll like me more, oh maybe if I stick around it'll change into something more"
    NO. That's not how things work. You want a relationship? Make it clear from the beginning that you want something real and you're not willing to settle and give yourself to a man who won't meet you halfway. Don't make yourself so available, there's a lot of great men out there so don't waste your time with men who aren't willing to commit to you.

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What Guys Said 4

  • "hoping they would change their mind."

    - And that's your problem - you put too much faith in to others.

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    • Should I have no faith in people?

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    • You derive happiness from others. Don't do that. Make yourself happy.

    • I know how to make myself happy. I just want them to want me.

  • First I suggest you drop any guy who uses you in that way and surround yourself with more positive people. It's hard to get out of that mindset when you're doubtful about relationships. I'm sure there's plenty of guys who'd love to date you, because there's someone out there for everyone; it's just being able to build you confidence up and being patient in terms of relationships.

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  • It sounds like life advice, but just keep on developing yourself (talents, hobbies, careers, personal goals etc.). Become the person who you want to be. You may just have to be content with being just friends with guys for a while. Then you "will" meet somebody who cherishes you who is better than you ever imagined. Don't demote yourself to a temporary fix, you're better than that... and don't give it up till after you both have said your vows! ;)

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  • What WERE you getting out of it before you changed your mind? what did you like about it?

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    • Being with someone, the butterfly feeling from someone wanting to spend times with me, having fun

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    • *I'm not interested

      Yeah I get that. But I see other people getting into relationships that started as fwbs all the time, I don't understand why it never works for me

    • I understand why you'd think that it would work. Its hard to say why you haven't had that luck

What Girls Said 1

  • Don't give men who don't want a relationship with you the time of day. That way you won't get caught up with them and it gives you time to learn more about yourself and learn to love yourself. more.

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