When do you know a relationship has become unhealthy?

I just feel miserable. I love him, but im becoming so drained. My boyfriend has depression and ocd and a bunch of other stuff and its so draining to be with him. I feel like such an asshole for thinking like this too, because he can't help it. I just want our relationship like it was two months ago but he says he loves me but can't feel anything properly and he apologized for not being able to feel or do anything romantic. I dont know what to do. Whats the point in our relationship and dating? He only did stuff with me for the past month because he thought itd make me happy, but it doesn't because its all one-sided. Am i supposed to wait for him to get on the medication for depression and expect things to be all happy again like it was? there's no guarantee things will be the same and after all this i dont even expect things to be. He said "please dont leave me" what do i do? Am i just a bitch? Im too young to deal with all this in a relationship, its ridiculous how far over my head i am.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • when you argue more than laugh that is when you call me for a ladder to get you out of the hole you dug.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Read your first sentence.
    ... That's when you know your relationship has become unhealthy. When you feel miserable and drained.

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What Guys Said 4

  • "I just feel miserable" All i needed to read..

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  • When a person makes everything about them then you know it's toxic.

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  • I think the relationship is unhealthy...

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  • wtf just get meds. so easy to fix.

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What Girls Said 19

  • Ignore these people trying to tell you that you;re a horrible person if you leave him. No teenager is equipped to deal with a situation like this. A mature adult would realize that he should not be dating in the first place when he is this unstable.

    You're not responsible for his feelings, or his happiness. You don't control his thoughts or his actions. You're only "job" as his girlfriend is to enhance what he already enjoys in life by sharing it with him. But is he is becoming more depressive, and not getting proper help, then he will become a drain and take you down with him, and that's not OK!

    Try and convince him to get into therapy, even if it's just the school counselor. Asking for help is NOT weakness, it''s taking control of your own life. Offer to go with him to sessions, if both of your parents agree. Mental health can be a very scary topic, especially with all the bad hype and misinformation in the media.

    Try and be there for him as much as you can, but you HAVE to protect yourself too. How can you save someone who is drowning if they're pulling you under the water? And ask yourself, do they realize they're putting you in danger, and do they even care?

    Only you can decide for yourself if you want to stay or leave, but make this decision based on what YOU need. You didn't make him sick, and only he can reach out and get help to make himself better.

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    • Since DapperMelody decided to ignorantly block me, after making assumptions:
      Pills aren't a bandaid. You need cognitive therapy to learn how to cope. Some people benefit from medications, some don't, and others who seem to benefit from them are actually better without them or can get worse on them or even develop tolerance, and they stop working. They're not the simple cure-all. Being medicated for 10+ years actually hid certain symptoms, making my actual diagnosis hard to peg down, and the medications even caused me serious medical complication. Removing ALL the medications for over a year was how they were finally able to find my real diagnosis.

    • I started medications and therapy in 1994. I was finally diagnosed properly in 2011. They've tried medications twice since then, and both times, I got worse. The medications took away my ability to actually feel my own emotions, which in turn took away my ability to recognize my triggers. I have BPD, and I'm extremely well versed in how the mental health care system works in the US.

  • Sticking through thick and thin > this is what a relationship is supposed to be based on.
    You should look deeper in to him, and try to understand what is causing him to be so upset and depressive, did he loose his job? is he bored because of the routine? Is he not going out anymore like he used to?

    You should apply or organize something DIFFERENT from everyday things, a TRIP, with just you and him, you can't always expect HIM to make a move to be romantic, you should try and organize something and have a deep conversation with him.

    I had this situation (almost) with my current man, he fell into a black hole and stopped talking, i grabbed his bum, organized a trip on the mountains i even booked a little cute hotel, and we had a NICE LONG TALK (the whole night) and he told me EVERYTHING what was going on, and how he felt, and after that he changed completely, because he knew that he is NOT ALONE with his problems and issues and thoughts.

    Men usually don't talk, because they don't want to BOTHER you with their problems, and because they stick to their pride and try to resolve things alone and get lost in their thoughts...

    Don't leave him, TRY YOUR BEST to find out what is going on, i am writing this hella long, because i've been there, but i resolved this AS SOON AS I SAW the signs of him being depressive.

    <3 Wish you the best luck

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  • You feel miserable and drained! I agree with the sentiments that love and relationships take work and are a lot of work! They are not all sunshine and roses! I get it! I felt the same way about my ex but the issue here is not just the mental health issues he has going on that are in the process of being addressed. It sounds like you have been supportive and caring but your well has run dry. It's exhausting and that is one thing relationships should not be. If you are feeling miserable and drained, then those are two key signs that the relationship is turning unhealthy! The catch here is, it doesn't necessarily have to be the end of the relationship. This is where you and your significant other should be having a conversation about goals, wants, and desires and how you would like for the relationship to work. He does have some stuff he must work on within himself and perhaps you have some things to work out and consider for your relationship goals in both the long term and short term! I'm sorry you are feeling this way! I have been there and I have had the same feelings as you. Just take the time and weigh the pros and cons of the relationship. If one side outweighs the other, then let that guide your next steps.

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  • I suffer from depression, anxiety and bipolar. And the guy may just be moody. He sounds like he needs to be on his meds before he starts dating or maybe he doesn't need to date at all until he has his emotions and feelings straightened out. Its not fair of him to keep you in a relationship that is unhealthy and you are the one doing everything to keep the relationship going. I feel that maybe you should cut ties with him, you can remain friends but the guy is not ready to be in a serious relationship with him. You are draining yourself and deserve to be treated by someone who is willing to give you their all and everything.

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  • I was right where you are 4 months ago. Same thing. My fiance suffers from depression, ptsd, and anxiety. When I got with him I was so full of life and having fun. After a year and a half I was having panic attacks and even came to the point that I wanted to die. The problem is I was giving to much of myself to him. I was to busy taking care of him that I had nothing left for me. So I started giving less of me to his problems and worked on myself. We are still together and we are still together happily. He got help because it isn't their fault and is a medical condition. You just got to decide if love is enough to keep trying. And by the way. The more you do for him the less he'll do for himself. And that's not healthy. If you have only been together a short time then you haven't learned enough about each other to understand. Keep the communication up. That was another big plus. Sometimes we tell each other things and we don't truly understand it till the 20th time. Keep letting him know you love him but he has to find a way to meet your needs as you meet his. I'm sure he's insecure about himself and that can lead to them giving up instead of just trying. Keep reminding him that he is good enough but he's gotta try harder. And the more you show you understand he's not always gonna be perfect the more reachable it will be to him to meet your needs. I hope I'm making sence to you.

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  • The relationship gets unhealthy when someone is feeling trapped or manipulated into staying. It seems like you definitely feel trapped because he seems very Dependant on you. If just being with someone stresses you out so much emotionally then its definitely not healthy, I know it sucks and you're scared of leaving and what he might do if you do leave , but if its emotionally draining and you dont want to be with him , why waste any more time and have him get anymore attached?

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  • I'd say it starts getting unhealthy when one disrespects the other constantly, or when the love is nearly sapped dry. There's a lot of ways a relationship can go down the drain but I'm tired and wanna go to bed so.. I'm not gonna list them all. Best of luck whoever you are.

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  • Speaking from personal experience here. It takes many years to learn how to handle OCD. Is he on medicine?

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    • No he isn't

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    • Oh I see. How old is he? If you don't mind me asking.

    • 15 years

  • Why did you even went into the relationship when you knew the type of person he was? I presume you knew from the beginning so yeah... you took that upon yourself. It is not his fault he is the way he is... so just leave him then if you have such a problem with it

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  • Depression is one of those things, that no matter how hard someone tries to cheer you up or help you, nothing matters. Depression is like being in a deep dark hole and there is no light or way out. You feel nothing, you care about nothing. It would be heart-wrenching to watch someone go from a happy individual to stuck in a bout of depression, especially when you are in a relationship with this person. The only person that can help him, are medical professionals. He has to want to help himself and accept what he is going through. Depression is more common than people talk about. I personally have bouts of depression and mine is deep rooted from a life time of troubles. Forcing him to do something is near impossible, the only thing you can do is be supportive and understand that their may be days where he won't even be able to function enough to want to face the world or get out of bed, he may not talk to you or want to talk. Firstly, do not take it personally, or that you have done something wrong. Neither has he. By the sounds of things hun, you sound exhausted and at your ends wit, feeling hopeless and helpless when it comes to him. Maybe a little time apart, like a vacation or just a couple days for yourself, will give you the time you need to reassess the situation and just to take a breather. You really need to decide whether this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life or not. Life is too short to waste. You can't carry him for your whole life. But if you really love him, support him, as long as he is willing to help himself. If he won't help himself and acknowledge the situation is hurting you as well as his life, then there is really nothing more you can do. Sorry to be blunt hun, but you have to take a step back and reassess the situation from a different perspective.

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  • It all comes down to how much you truly care about that person... do you care enough to go through it with him or are you just going to do the runner?

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  • No offense but.. you should break up with him. It is making both of you feel like shit. You can wait for him until he's better. That's what I did.

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  • only you can answer that. is th love you feel for him strong enough to overlook his mental health problem and hang in there. if you are not happy and feeling trapped or dreading the future with him, do yourself and him a favor, get out before it gets too deep. how attached is he to you?

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  • I've been with my now fiancee for 4 years. He has panic disorder, OCD, agoraphobia, anxiety and he is homebound and he's been like this for 3 years and I've never felt that way about him, the reason I'm still with him is because I have hope that he will go back to being the person I knew for a year (the real him), in the meantime I am patient, I love him and I support him and find every way possible to understand what he is going through and try to help him in any little way I can to make him feel just a little better ever day... I see this as a obstacle on our life that once we get through it it will only make our relationship stronger and happier.. even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.. I know that we will fight and get through this together ❤

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    • 75% of your relationship has been waiting for the other 25% of it for the person whom you desire, that doesn't seem right

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    • I handled all the sad times for longer than you know but i dont see the hope for good times coming. If the bad times become an entire relationship is that not when the relationship becomes unhealthy. I think your less self-aware then i am about your position in a relationship and i find that is what is so sad. Im realizing something so much sooner than you as you wait 3 years for someone, a relationship is two people not one and thats what i want from mine, its not that im not ready for a serious one its that I've poured all of myself into someone else and only am hurting myself more and more by waiting

    • I mean the fact that you said that he may not be ready for a relationship then I guess the best thing to do is move on.. I mean it does say you're under 18 next to your name lol and I think it is too soon for you to be experiencing these kind of issues at such early life when you haven't even started your own life... my advice, have a serious long talk with him about the relationship and how does he feel and if it still doesn't feel right for you then move on :/

  • He needs to start medication.. even if he doesn't like it

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  • when you argue without listening each other and when there is no respect

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  • Im in the same boat. I wanna cry. He doesn't go to work because he's so depressed sometimes. I love him very much but I feel like he doesn't try anymore I wanna leave but I can't bare to be without him. We had it so good. if u fan get out. Get out. dont suffer through. He needs to love himself and be healthy befor he takes on another person

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  • At your age at this point do you really want to keep doing this there's many more guys out there an many more woman too an what are you going todo when 6months down he's not better

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  • Ew what the fuck just ghost that emotional vampire

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