Should I wait for him or leave him? #prisonlove?

Hi there! My boyfriend with whom I was for about 6 months was imprisoned on 25 January 2017 under a conviction of driving without a license and assault. What he basically did was driving a tractor to a disco and beating the shit out of a guy with a chain. He said that he was sweet on a girl, just dating her, that was before he even knew me, and the other guy actually wounded that girl ' s leg with a glass shard from a bottle he brake. He also said that when he saw her bleeding he felt like killing the guy, but instead he put him in the hospital. Now what he thought was that he is forbidden to enter that locality for a number of years. What actually happened was that he was filed, prosecuted, judged and convicted in absence to 1 year and 2 moths with a possibility for parole after 6 months if he works, or about 9 months if he doesn ' t but has good behavior. First I twisted myself into knots, cried my eyes out, squeezed the last dime for him and did all possible to help and support him in prison, to get over this period as fast as possible, but when I wanted to visit him, he was reluctant at first, because, well, because I 'm transgender and he didn ' t want the prison staff to know it ( my ID change is still in the process of transition, I need more documents that will take a bit of time ), and, after he finally accepted, and I visited him once, giving him all I could, he called me again a few days later and told me not to visit him again, at east until he ' ll be moved to the minimum security prison, because some people found out about it and he doesn ' t want it. Now this pissed me off to no end. Aside from the frustration of not knowing about him, to be insulted like that and be told that he ' s embarrassed by my status, when he knew what he was getting into, and when he knew my ID change will take time and all the statements he made, all this is a bit too much for me to take. So should I wait for him or leave him?

Updates:
And the reason I still doubt it is because, even if he ' s a thug and a convicted criminal I don ' t mind that. I actually see him as a rebel with the potential to get in a position of power, and I ' m actually attracted to aggressive guys or guys that look like they can kick ass even if they don' t go looking for a fight. And he was always sweet with me, the period I spent with him was the most beautiful, he was the only man I loved of all my previous relationships, and
he saved me from having to work as an escort ( which I did before knowing him ), always supported me financially and emotionally even when I was behaving like a hysterical bitch and he threatened to kill me and the man I ' d be with if I leave him, and if he doesn ' t find us, kill my parents and / or commit suicide. This is a very hard decision to take.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hello dear, it is a very hard situation to be honest BUT i am being much more understanding than others who replied ,,, I dont suggest that you leave him,, really, you seem deeply in love and it will only break your heart to pieces if you left him. In my opinion he is not necessarily a bad person.. it happens that guys get into violent fights that end in a bad way specially defending someone who they care about,,, i thought about it for a moment, and i truly believe that my boyfriend would have done absolutely the same if that girl was me or his best friend or sister.. he did before, and he is the kindest person on earth. About his embarrassment, i kinda understand that too,,, he must be in a very drastic state now, knowing that he has to at least work hard for 6 months with violent bastard around him, i get that in the word of prisons it is about power, and bulling ,, if you will be a pussy, or if people have something against you THEY WILL GIVE YOU THE HARDEST TIME EVER ,,, for example, even if he was in a gay relationship, or if someone's mother is a dancer,,, etc,,, they will wait for something like that and have fun bullying and annoying you,,, even beating you when u get angry about it.,,,, so i understand why wouldn't he want those bastards to know, and i feel it doesn't have anything to do with accepting you or not loving you,,,, and i saw your previous comments where u said how he always supported you and loved you ,,, so for me , i think you shall give it a chance and by the way ,,, my boyfriend who is 30 years now, has been imprisoned times before :D , one because he bit someone who slapped his ex girlfriend, and one because of drugs when he was a young crazy teen. And, i absolutely love him, he is so kind, caring and respectable that sometimes i dont even believe he was jailed before we met. So, since you are craving people's acceptance and chance as a transgender,,,, also give this guy a chance,,, keep yourself busy for those 6 month, take lessons, or work hard to save money, and see what will happen.. but you gotta encourage him to make it only 6 months,,, lastly, the threat about killing your parents is a bit too much ,,, but again, maybe they are just words,,, and him saying he would kill himself is maybe be because he really loves you,,, my only advice will be if in the future any of these violent comments became real leave him, and take care of yourself,,, but so far, give him a chance :)

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    • Thank you for the kind words. I guess if I keep busy, maybe find something to work I could support him financially and pass the time. However what puzzles me is that he didn ' t call again since that last phone call, although I sent him money for the phone. It could be that the post did not operate the transfer, but I ' m not sure. Post usually operates fast in regional range.

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    • YAYY !! i am happy for you, see? I had the most understanding kind opinion and i was right ^_^,,, i always only see the good in poeple, and it always works,,, I am so glad he was the one who called,, i guess this guy does have feelings for you, stay next to him, and see what will happen down the road in your relationship :),,, and thanks for writing to me again,,, it means a lot to me :)

    • Thank you. Indeed, you were right. He called me again today and announced he will be moved in the minimum security prison which is close to where I live, he requested that prison over other minimum security prisons because it ' s closer to me, so I don ' t spend much money on gas when I visit, and he said things are going to improve here for both of us, as he also arranged to have a work detail when he arrives so he can also afford more phone calls and not strain my budget. Thank you, you were the only one that actually gave our relationship a chance among so many negativity and you were right!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 13

  • if you had such a strong bond before, you might wanna try and keep it... but how do you kno he won´t do it again? and what "assault" ?

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    • He received a phone call form one of his friends just when his shift as a tractor driver was about to end ( even though he doesn ' t have a license he is legally allowed to drive vehicles on the fields and on private roads, but not on public roads, especially national roads ) and he was told " hey, guy x is making a move on your girl. You might want to do something. " . He was alreadyangry and instead of driving the tractor back to the farm and at least take a cab to the disco he went there with the tractor and entered with a chain in his hand, first intention being to intimidate the guy making " a move on his girl ". The guy tried to be though as well and smashed a bottle on the floor. One of the shards flew and pierced one of the girl ' s legs ( it was summer and she was wearing a dress and stockings ) and made her bleed. When my boyfriend saw that he lost it and gave the guy a beating with the chain. That 's the " assault " part.

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    • The move that guy made on her, at least as my boyfriend recalled the story was more like molestation than hitting on her. If he would have hit on her and she would accept he ' d be angry on both of them, not just the guy. I know him well enough to know that ' s the case. And I hoped I could change him a bit, smooth his rough edges if I show there are more civilized ways to live and relate to each other. As I said, he is not an evil person, he is hard working and protective, loves children and animals, had long term plans for us to create a legit business for ourselves when we save enough money. He just had a rough childhood where he had to fend off for himself and he was slightly bipolar, but if you get to know him well enough he is a good person. My parents who are pretty suspicious came to like him too when they got to know him. I think those anger outbursts can be fixed with enough time and love and support.

    • yeah just don´t miss to jump the sinking boat if it can´t be fixed after all :D otherwise good luck.

  • Do not for a second try to be mad at him for trying to protect himself over your pride. You being transgendered puts a target on his back when he doesn't need one. I don't know where he's being held, but life could get very ugly for him if you're not careful.

    I can't help you decide whether to stay or not. unless you've got somewhere better to be, I'd probably stay.

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    • I could go, I have my mail swarmed by both men and even lesbians ( and I talk with characters who claim to be lesbians on video call to make sure they are for real ). I ' m pretty popular and I have enough suitors. It ' just that I don ' t know if I could love someone else and heal this wound or not feel guilt later. I also fear that I might go into survival mood again and go with whoever takes me in and I feel as such a bitch and so guilty for even thinking this. And all those opposed ideas that collide in my mind and make me paranoid and sink me into insanity slowly. I ' d just want to have some closure, to have him call and tell me what he decided, and to be called at least 1 time a day, or 1 time a week. He has the right to use the phone for 1 hour a day and I sent him money to use it.

  • The driving without a licence could be something you could forgive him when he comes back out of prison.
    The assault is tricky though, be careful you don't become one of these ladies who regularly get beaten up by their guy :o
    If you stay with him and he tends to be aggressive, insist he should follow therapy to control his aggression. Otherwise you're doomed :-(

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  • I didn't even need to get past the first sentence. All that for someone he was "Sweet on"? a wife, sure... a family member... maybe. But someone that isn't even his girlfriend is someone that is fucked up mentally. Get away from that psycho.

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  • Doing time of about one year isn't THAT long to wait... i'm more concerned about the content of his character

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  • I don't know whether you should wait or leave.. but you should def write a book about this. I'd buy it.

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  • I figured he was a dbag then I read your part about making threats towards you if you leave him , yep. You should definitely leave him. Honestly you both sound a little weird. You might want to try some therapy

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  • Leave him

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  • leave him

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    • no offense but that guy sounds like a psycho

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    • thats right but. he said that he's gonna kill you if you leave him. that is a very dangerous thing. that guy really needs therapy and mental help

    • I ' m more worried about him committing suicide that about him killing me.

  • Sounds fucked up. isn't healthy. Leave while you can.

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  • Leave him

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  • Dump him, he's a scumbag.

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  • Damn im embarassed of ur status too.
    I dont mind gays, other races, religions etc but this trans gender bullshit phase is not acceptable. Its a mental disease.

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    • Then don ' t fucking reply. Once you reject any aspects of democracy you already became a fascist and I don ' t want to waste energy o political right wing debates. Bye, bye!

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    • Democracy isn't the same as freedom of speech

    • Dumb cunt

What Girls Said 7

  • Leave. He sounds like a total jerk to be honest. You deserve someone who is 100% supportive and comfortable with you. You shouldn't have to hide parts of you for someone else. He didn't seem to take your feelings into consideration at all. Leave him and find someone who loves you.

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    • But I was thinking, maybe male prison forces their inmates to act macho, maybe he doesn ' t want to have to defend my honor with one of his room mates and get in more trouble with the law, maybe he worries he can be scorned by other inmates and not have support, maybe he wants to find some gang ties which would bring us more income opportunities when he is released ( he will have a criminal record for 3 years after his full sentence ends, that means if he ' s released at 6 months he will still have a record for 3 years and 8 months ) as he may have a hard time finding employment, etc. So I don ' t know, I was considering giving him a second chance, but I don ' t know. It hurts to be treated like that, but it would hurt to hear something bad happened to him as well.

    • Gang ties? This sounds like you guys have bigger issues. You're 27. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a man who is in and out of jail and needs gang ties to make a decent income? Having a record, yeah it might be harder at first but it's definitely possible.

    • I ' m not talking about anything as dire as you think. I ' m simply talking of his idea of making a bit of a commerce with legal goods but without papers. The paperwork makes the state suck out a big chunk of your profits, and we only wanted to do so for a short time until we make enough money to open a legit business of our own, like a farm ( I have the location, but not the money required for animals and other stuff you need in a farm ) or a small transportation company. We definitely don' t plan living a criminal life. I don ' t think any sane person does.

  • You should leave.

    Also if you're buying into his threats... you're being an idiot.

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  • he's in jail! a lot of bad shit happens there. he's probably trying to make it out of their alive and sadly not everyone will see his relationship with you as normal. if you care about him you should accept his wishes.

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  • Just leave him

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  • That's a lot to take in hope you are coping well are you two known around your community family and all that as a couple? If that's a yes then I think he is afraid of the assholes in jail that would beat him up so he doesn't want them to know. If it's a no then I think he is embarrassed of himself then id say Run now

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    • I have a very conservative man / woman relationship with him. His family doesn ' t even know I ' m transgender and neither of us wants to tell. And in the community I am also going stealth. And only 1 unfucked guy ( by unfucked I mean without a woman for a very long time ) after staring at me for a very long awkward and uncomfortable amount of time clocked me and tried to spread the word. My boyfriend in return spread the word that I was fat in my puberty and I took steroids to work out as hard as possible and lose all that extra weight and that is why I am so tall and have a few traces of stubble and it worked. So basically only my parrents and him know about my status. For the others I am stealth and I intend to remain that way.

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    • And I can ' t understand why he doesn 't call me. I sent him money to call.

    • Oh hell no you need to forget about him move on with your life he seems like a DB sorry but if you love someone you would not treat them like that.

  • He sounds crazy. I suggest you let him be.

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  • No. That's just the simple answer. No.

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