Why do people want you to have a plan in life to date?

I don't understand why thinking about the future decides whether a person dates you or not?

There was a girl I liked and wanted to date, I felt a connection to her and we seemed to click, but were friends at the time. I mentioned my feelings about her and long story short I got rejected. She knew about some things I'm going through in life like not working for medical reasons and seemed to sympathize, but then told me I don't have a life plan and so it won't work, dating will just be another problem in my life.

I was pretty upset at her to use my life struggles against me and it seemed everything I told her opening up she wasn't really caring about me if she ended up hurting my feelings now.

Do younger people (like 13-14) care if the person they like is working or has a life plan, I doubt it. Do friends care about a life plan, no.

So why should that matter if what's really important is that you click with one another and date because you enjoy each other's company and bring out the best in one another. I didn't think dating was based on "what ifs" in life.
If it was then I should ask a girl "well how many kids do you plan on having", before I consider dating her. If that seems weird, then you know how I feel being told not having a life plan means nobody wants to date me. It's not fair to pressure someone like that.

Updates:
I see some of you are missing why I'm upset. I do know I want in life!
to get married and be a Dad, have a place to live in, and I know what kind of jobs I could do but it's complicated right now why I can't work, part is to not lose health insurance and disability benefits I get. How do I explain that to a girl?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Planning for your future can be pretty important - if you don't see things working out in the long run, sometimes it's better to just not get involved. However, if you truly liked someone to the fullest extent, you'd take the chance and MAKE IT work if you could. Even in that scenario though, if things don't work out, then it'll all crash and burn eventually.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • From a relationship coaching lens, let me give you some perspectives to think about:

    1) People have needs and two of the most common needs are 'ambition' and 'quality of life'. People associate these two needs with goals, life plans, etc. In this, they surmise that someone with no/limited life goals and plans has little to no ambition. Then they forecast their future from a quality of life perspective and it seems dim, at best.
    2) You asked a good question: Why should 'that' matter if what's really important is that you click with one another and... enjoy each other's company and bring out the best in one another'. For a lot of people, bringing out the best in one another requires pushing each other to achieve goals, challenging each other, and these people will equate someone with little/no life plan as someone that they cannot push or challenge. As well, it's not uncommon to associate a lack of a life plan with laziness, misguidedness, complacency, etc. and those are not generally traits that would make it easy for someone to click with someone else.

    What all of this means is that dating is dating but relationship building is dating plus planning a future together. If someone does not/cannot see a future because their partner seems to lack direction and focus, it will be hard for them to want to stay with that partner.

    Probably an overlong answer but I wanted to give you the full picture.

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    • So does this mean I will never have a relationship? I have no ambition to keep living life alone, thus if girls won't accept me now, I have no reason to try and change my life at this point. The result is I'm stuck being alone. If someone was dating me I would feel more positive in my life, and thus develop new life goals because of it being it's for two people now. But if I'm alone I have nothing to change I just stay being myself.

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    • I think it might be better for you than you think. This is why relationship coaches, therapists, experts, etc. create types. There are actually a lot of women that are more about the journey than the destination--women that aren't looking for someone that has a roadmap or even a guide. They could live anywhere, do anything, etc. so long as they had the love of their life on their side. You need to find this type. And they DO exist.

    • I'd like to know where they have been hiding all these years 😞

What Girls Said 9

  • it's her way of saying she doesn't see a future with you, she doesn't see herself marry a guy who in her mind isn't going to change from his current status to where she see her life and her status. or possibly it's a cop put because she wanted to spare you from the real reason.

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  • because as you get older and want to settle down, you want to make sure someone wants the same things u want before you deal with them. i'm not getting emotionally attached to someone who has no plan for himself and no type of motivation for his life. thats not something i wanna hitch my saddle to.

    its not a question of fairness, because a person doesn't have to date you if they dont want to.

    simply put, find a woman who doesn't care whether or not you have a life plan. you might have to lower your standards and accept a lower quality woman but it is what it is

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    • Why do women think men have to work but the other way around is ok? I know girls that expect the man to have the full time job and that is what I didn't think is fair. I do have goals but it's hard reaching them due to medical reasons and that's also why I feel it's unfair, I'm being pushed aside like I'm useless to anyone 😥

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    • ... nobody said that a man is unable to have standards in his woman. A man SHOULD have standards in his woman, and should want more than just a pretty face and a body to fuck.

      The #RealTalk issue is... too many men are desperate in the dating world and settle WAY to easily to any woman that gives him attention and sex.

    • @Prof_Don I don't get much attention and I'm told by everyone, dude you'll only get an ugly or fat chick or one that's a cougar. How would you feel if every guy tells you stuff like that?

  • If the person I am dating doesn't have a life plan especially at 30+ why would I waste my time. I'm at an age where I want to settle down and build a family. If I don't have a guy that is compatible with that, why waste time with him and prolonging finding the person I can do that with?

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    • Judging my age and what is "expected" at that age is wrong. We all go through life at different paces. If you like someone why not make it work, figure out how to work together for both of you. Would it be fair if he said I don't date you unless you give me such and such amount of kids?

    • I don't date the guy if he isn't willing to have a certain number of kids. Just because there is chemistry not a reason to build a relationship. If you don't have compatible goals and dreams it is doomed to fail before it even starts.
      We all have things that are deal breakers. Hers is a guy that has a plan and ambition and there is nothing wrong with that. She is not under any obligation to you, just as a guy I may like that is not interested does not have any obligation to me due to my feelings.

  • I care, I have goals I want to achieve in my life so having a like minded partner is important for that. It's compatibility

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  • Younger people don't care because they are YOUNG. They have more time in the world. And to some women, it does matter if you have a plan AND ambitious enough to follow through with it. One of the sexiest things about men. And I am not saying you aren't sexy. I honestly wouldn't know. But you shouldn't be butt hurt because she wants something more than to just live in some kind of rose tinted love montage you were hoping for. There are plenty of girls that don't mind just dating, but sadly, the more you age, the fewer there will be. So work on yourself a little bit.

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  • Seriously? Why would we want to waste our life away watching you waste your life away?

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    • Is someone in a wheelchair wasting their life?

    • I don't know. You may be or you may not be. But having an answer to your question would solve your problems with girls. I have friends in wheelchairs that have gone to the para Olympics, won gold medals, met the president and do motivational speaking around the country. I have other friends in wheelchairs who have started their own companies. If you just want to sit in a wheelchair, collect disability and do nothing, you may have a problem that needs addressing before you can consider dating or marriage.

  • A lot of women like to see results. Not having a job or not working to get a job is not attractive because all the burden for making money would be on her. You may do well with a woman who makes good money and wants to help someone like you. Most women also want someone who knows what they want out of life. Sometimes we don't know what we want in life and don't have goals. But when you do think of it and want to make your life better, that may sound hopeful to the other person.

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    • I do know I want to get married and be a Dad, and I know what kind of jobs I could do but it's complicated right now why I can't work, part is to not lose health insurance and disability benefits I get.

  • Everyone is different. Some people just need a plan at 13 and 14 it may be going to a dance together and at 25-30 it could be getting married and having kids. Some people don't just want to have fun they want to be working towards something and want someone who wants the same. Wants kids, and a house and to travel, best to be with someone who wants the same. Just wanting fun is fine to just find someone who wants that as well... it's all about finding someone on the same page... no one is right or wrong there it just wouldn't work out between them... someone would end up miserable if they dated.

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  • Because we are looking for a life partner and it helps if he has a plan

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What Guys Said 11

  • People date for different reasons. Many people date because they are searching for a partner for a LTR/marriage. Some people date just for casual fun with no long term designs whatsoever.

    If a person is dating to find a partner, they will have certain standards for what they want in a partner. A girl may want a guy who can support her and children because she wants to be a stay-at-home mom. A guy might want a woman who is socially facile and will be an asset to him in a professional career.

    Whatever her standards are, she has the absolute right to maintain and apply those standards. If you don't meet her standards. . . do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

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    • Response to update: Maybe you are missing the point. It doesn't matter whether you KNOW what you want in life. What counts is whether you are implementing a plan to make that happen. If it appears that you are not doing that, others will view your plan as just empty words or dreams. Women want men who they KNOW they can count on to make something happen and not just hope for the best.

  • Being a long-term thinker and being concerned about the future is a BIG deal!

    When it comes to relationships, there is also the factors down the road of living together (and all the lifestyle/financial aspects of that), marriage, having children, etc.

    So this girl you're talking about isn't a hedonistic dater, just roaming around for pleasure in the short term. She's thinking about the long ball, and to her there is a lifestyle mismatch she can't overcome.

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  • Who said nobody would date you? She said it would be a problem and that's her opinion, she didn't say anything about others being unwilling to date you. Just not this specific girl and she isn't obligated to date you if she feels the way she does, no matter how unfair you might find it to be. As for your comparisons, younger people might not care, because they are young and thus most don't have the necessary foresight to think of such things for themselves either or they consider in secondary, which while charming, is also naive of them in my opinion. As for friends, that is simply not as big a commitment as dating is. As for asking about kids, that is a legit question and concern to address during a relationship and if you want to get it out of the way very early one, then I suppose you will. Personally, I don't find it that weird a question.

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  • She's reading from the tradcon life script. Marriage by a certain age to a guy with a Master's degree in something who pulls in six figures a year, children within a year after that, happily ever after. Or so she's probably thinking.

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  • Some people have life goals. A career of a certain path, a house by a certain age, kids/marriage at some point. A person looking to complete their goals is wise to go out with people who have similar goals, or have goals compatible with theirs. That's why.

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    • I had those goals but plans changed, now I can't find anyone who matches my goals in life and I feel like a piece of trash tossed aside

    • Rejection doesn't mean your trash. Rejection is something everyone experiences, no matter their situation. There is someone out there. You're not trash.

  • Nobody has ever wanted that of me.

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  • simply because you're life is dependent on welfare /benefits from the government. Sir you must be knowing that women like to rely on their partners for financial security. if you think otherwise, try to impress millionaire women who don't want financial security but want other qualities from you.

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    • That's not a bad idea! She would solve money issues and if she likes something about me I find a lifelong partner. best idea anyone had!

  • She had every right to reject you if you didn't have any goals for the future. See it this way if you were the girl, would you marry someone who didn't have any plans for the future? Like getting a job? House? Starting a family? I know I wouldn't as I would have to make a lot of sacrifices in order to be with this person.

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  • I don't know. Who cares. We're all just gonna die and rot in the ground anyway.

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  • I feel ya, its bs

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  • Lol don't worry people like that end up either single their whole life or date a really ugly person because their standards were to high
    Not everyone knows what they want to do at such a young age or if their plan will even work

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