Is it time for the "DTR" talk?

Ok, last time I entered into a relationship I was 16!!! I stayed with my ex for nearly 8 years. After we broke up I dated but never made it past one or two dates with the guys.
Now I'm 26, dating a guy who's 32. We've had the talk about what we're both looking for which is the same thing: companionship, a partner, a future spouse and someone to have children with. The real deal basically. He says he's ready to marry and have kids within 2 years of meeting the right woman. I've always wanted to have kids and a husband. We share lots of similar interests and we get a long well. We're both introverts and live our own separate lives. I'm not clingy and I give him his space.
We get along well and have been dating each other for a month now. Everything seems to be going well except for texting really (he's a bad texter) but other than that it's been all gravy.
on our last date he took me a restaurant and observed how I cut my food and said "See, those are the little things I want to know more about you." And I thought it was so sweet because it was just such a random quirk of mine I didn't even notice, yet he did.
Im ready to take down my online dating profile (I haven't logged on since we've been dating)
and im ready to give a relationship with him a real honest shot.
Here is the problem. He is very passive and does not really take charge with certain things. I'm usually the one putting the moves on him or initiating sex, although he's very enthusiastic to continue. He is really reserved with emotions and has not even said "I like you." But has said other things that make me know he's enjoying our time. He is so reserved that sometimes he almost seems aloof.
Meanwhile, I'm developing feelings for him but am too afraid to admit for fear of them not being reciprocated. I also haven't been in a new relationship in 10 YEARS so I have no idea how to even approach the define the relationship convo as I doubt he'd ever bring it up.
Help!!


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What Guys Said 1

  • You haven't known him that long. He may simply be super polite or shy not to press you for sexual encounters.
    Have you actually told him you like to be charmed and surprised with kisses, hugs etc?
    Talk more!

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    • We have already slept together. He has invited me to 2 social events where his friends would be, but I declined out of anxiety about how he would introduce me.

What Girls Said 2

  • The short answer is "yes".

    But first, you need to ask yrself whether YOU are okay, long-term, with a boy who needs to be poked and prodded in order to take ANY initiative. Because if you're anything like me -- or the vast majority of my girlfriends -- that's gna get rlly old rlly soon.
    I like boothangs who do thangs... as do most women I know. If you're an exception to that -- if you genuinely don't mind being the ultimate impetus of every significant action yr man ever takes -- then you shd DEFINITELY have the relationship talk, because that makes the two of you a rare match indeed.

    If you do decide to go ahead and initate The Talk... don't make the all-too-common mistake of approaching it as a Weighty Topic with the utmost of gravitas and solemnity.
    Instead... Introduce the topic when you're lying in bed together, exhausted and happy, after a good fuck. Not only will that start to create a subconscious association between "talking about our rl" and "hot sex" in the boy's head -- basically, like Pavlov's dogs -- but, also, most people tend to be MUCH more emotionally available and intimate during afterglow than at any other time. Best odds of a positive result.

    REALLY push that association of *commitment* with blindingly hot sexual passion.
    "mhhh boy... commitment makes me so hottt"
    "oh the things I'd do to you, once I know you're MINE"
    etc etc.
    Besides -- If you do this right, it will work like magic on *both* of you. My h and I have made marriage/commitment into the filthiest, nastiest, hottest sexual fetish in the world... and even after more than 17 years together -- and almost 16 years married -- it's *still* getting hotter every single year. <3

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    • I like this. We've already had the commitment talk on the second date and that's both what we're looking for. He even pulled out a hypothetical and said "Imagine if this does go well, we could possibly be married in a year and start trying for kids in two." To which I replied "Anything is possible." :)
      We are both on the mellow and passive side which is different for me, but nice. I've only dated briefly in high school but my last ex of 8 years was very dominating and aggressive, but he was outspoken and I didn't have to guess things. I'm learning how to deal with a horse of a diff color so to speak. My current guy and I were even joking about long term sex once and he mentioned something about having sex with the same woman for 20-some years and I asked "You could really do that?" And he said of course. His parents split when he was small so he's very into the idea of making marriage work. I hope these are all good signs.

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    • him with little reminders, too. Like, say, if you wear a garter to fuck him, then, randomly wear it as a hair scrunchy a couple days later ahah. Or wrap it around his car's rearview mirror -- ESPECIALLY if it smells like **you and him**.
      If you ever send nudes or other provocative pictures, ALWAYS wear something that has to do with weddings, marriage, etc. Suck on *THAT* finger of yr left hand while you take the pictures.

      Most importantly, start looking him straight in the eyes as he finishes inside you, and get him to return what you're saying. Start with "I'm yours"... then "I'm yr girl"... then "I love you"... then "I'm yours, forever". Eventually he'll start to reciprocate (... even the most stubborn boy will start to give you *something* if you say "Tell me" while he's cumming in you).
      From there it's a small step to "I'm yr wife"... and then it's done.

      Warning, this is addictive stuff. My 16th wedding anniversary is coming up, and just a glance at my left hand -- or hearing my

    • man just say the words "my wife" -- is enough to make me shamefully wet, and ready to do nasty, nasty things.

      GL. <3

  • So I've actually been doing a bit of research on this same subject because I too and thinking of having the DTR talk with the guy I've been seeing.

    Basically what it comes down to is, talk in person, plan out what you want to say ahead of time (no seriously make sure you do), and be honest about what you want.

    If you text him, you aren't going to be able to see his facial reactions and body language. Plus it gives him time to think about what he wants to say and potentially be vague or sugar coat it. No, you want to know how he truly feels, so don't give him the chance to just text you back a response like "ok".

    You want that feedback so you know where you stand. It's definitely scary to put it all on the table, and then have to worry about rejection. But honestly, I would rather know that a guy doesn't feel the same way, rather than spend my time getting attached to him only to find out he's seeing other women.

    I've even gone so far as to make notes on my phone (yes seriously!) because I have a hard time having these types of conversations. This is going to help me keep my thoughts organized and say what I want to say. People might laugh and think this is a bit over the top. But these types of conversations are a big deal to some. I've never had this sort of talk in the past, and I think that's what's led to my relationships not working out. We never were sure what the other expected, so then things were done that hurt me because the guy didn't think or wasn't totally sure of the parameters of the relationship.

    Don't feel bad, you have every right to want to define the relationship. You have every right to want a relationship with this guy, and for it to be on certain terms.

    Make sure you say exactly what you feel and be clear on what defining the relationship means to you. Does it mean that you two are now exclusive, girlfriend and boyfriend? That you both delete your dating profiles? That you stop seeing other people? Make that clear. Unfortunately in today's age, there are people who will say that being girlfriend and boyfriend still means you can see other people (which I think is ridiculous) unless you specifically talked about doing that. But be sure to cover your bases on this.

    It may seem like overkill to plan out what you want to say. But then that way you leave the conversation happy that things you had concerns about were discussed. You won't leave the situation with more questions, just clarity.

    Good luck!

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    • I forgot to include an example of what you can say. Now obviously tailor this response to what you want to say and the things you want to bring up. But you can say something like this "Hey, so I really enjoy spending time with you getting to know you, and don't really have any interest in seeing anyone else. I don't know how you'd feel about being exclusive, but if you're into that , I would be too!".

      Then if he asks you for further clarification, say the exact labels like "I'm asking you to be my boyfriend, and no longer see other people".

      Hopefully this helps!

    • Great advice. I'm definitely going to write it down first. He's going away this weekend on a trip but we are going to hang out tonight and then after he gets back next Saturday we will go on a date. He has given me signs that he wants to continue to date. I've asked him before if he likes dating and he says of course. But that he's just not very expressive. I'm having a bit of anxiety over it so
      I'm probably going to wait until then to bring it up if he doesn't. We've been holding hands in public and he does show me affection, it's not just behind closed doors. Maybe if it's been about 6 weeks it will be more reasonable than 4. And I probably will bring it up in bed while we're cuddling in the afterglow as another poster suggested. I'm still scared to death though.

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