Too serious too quick? is this a red flag maybe?

So I recently started dating this guy I work with... he's a tutor where I go to school (i work in the same bldg. on my campus). he's a really respectable guy as he's only had one long term serious girlfriend, has his bachelors degree already, and is going to be starting his masters program soon. i'm still in school but we went on a couple of dates and he's already told me that he wants something more serious where he could grow to love the other person etc. I don't know it all felt kind forced and I don't think I have a whole lot in common with him... he also seems to be very reserved in general and I don't know if he ever goes out much?
i just don't know if I should stop seeing him because of this?

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I just feel like it's a little weird that he said that so soon. It seemed like he implied that he sees a "serious" relationship in the future with me but I don't know him that well and I really don't think we have too much in common. To be honest I kinda want to stop seeing him because of this... just because I feel like we don't have a lot in common

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Why do people think everything is going to be perfect right from the get go? Like how am I supposed to be dying to see someone every waking moment of the day, when I literally just met them?

    This guy is literally saying that he's willing to be patient and give you a chance, you're nearly half way there, you just have to be willing to give him a chance. That's all he's saying. Maybe it's not the spur of the moment "exciting" spontaneous love that non-serious people always find themselves in, but it could be in time. You don't even know the guy.

    Just another reason why dating is near impossible these days, no one is willing to take chances on anyone. It's all just "fun" and instant gratification, all the time. The substance of an individual generally doesn't even matter.

    "Oh here's this great guy! But he's a slow romantic, boring and serious... it kinda freaks me out." *he probably doesn't typically ask many women out, and is still not comfortable with her yet*

    "Oh here's this really care-free, fun guy! But he's an insensitive douche bag... why am I even dating him? *keeps going back to him, gets feelings hurt repeatedly*

    There might be just as fun, or even more times ahead... better times, but you have to be willing to get to know somebody. Guys that aren't serious about you from the beginning aren't typically going to change their minds. This guy might really see something in you.

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    • You're probably right but it's not just that... I actually feel like we are incompatible personality wise. I don't know, I am thinking it won't work out but well see

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    • The worrying has already started unfortunately lol. Can't help but feel like the people from 17-22 currently will still think/behave like this years from now and I'll still be single because of it. But honestly I know I'll "get over it" and find someone worth my time 8-10 years from now hopefully. For now I have bigger things to "worry" about so I should be fine lol.

    • @wiremepink That's probably a smart assessment! A lot of people refuse to grow up, or prolong it as long as possible. There's bigger fish to fry like you said and in the end you will be better for it, and leave those people behind. You'll find that your life can change in an instant and that there's a whole world out there. People think they grasp that concept until they actually step outside of their little bubble. So many different kinds of people everywhere.

Most Helpful Girl

  • yes i think often it is makes you think they're not really into you and just want someone.. rather than you specifically.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 10

  • This is simple. If you don't look forward to seeing him then stop. At the beginning of a relationship you should be counting the minutes until you can see them again. If that feeling goes away before you are living together, something is not right.

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    • honestly i really like the way you put it because it is so simple. i just feel bad as i wish i felt the same but i don't... i want to date someone who is more excited and adventurous (he is bland... has only dated one girl, never has gotten drunk etc.) and someone who i can talk to for hours without getting bored.

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    • that's a good way to put it. honestly i have already made plans with him tomorrow to go for a walk / get coffee but am wondering if i should just cancel them? sucks being an asshole but i really don't think i'm feeling this guy

    • Cancel. Tell him sorry, it's not going to work, you just want to keep things professional. As soon as you know a relationship is not going to work, you should end it. Not only does it save you time, but it's also the kindest thing for the other person. It prevents them from wasting time on a doomed relationship.

  • You should be asking some of these questions too him. If you are not quite on the same page as him that is okay, but just tell him why instead of just stop talking to him.

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    • yeah i honestly don't know. i want to bring it up soon that i just don't think we have a lot in common but i think he is a great guy and will make some girl very happy one day. it's just weird because i work with him...

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    • tbh you should of thought of that before you started going out with the guy, but that doesn't matter now. It only going to be as awkward as you make it. You two are adults and it doesn't seem like you been dating for too long, so I don't seeing to being too uncomfortable to talk afterwards.

    • yeah you're right. it will just be weird i guess.

  • ... you lost me at "he is a tutor"...
    thats ALWAYS a bad sign.

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  • If you're not feeling it, time to move on.

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  • It's usually a good idea to follow your gut

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  • Well like you said, you don't have much in common. Proceed with caution.

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    • you're right honestly I don't know i think i may just tell him that i don't think i want to date anyone right now i'm too busy in all honesty and i just want to do my own thing

  • So basically you used him for sex?

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    • We never had sex I actually just think it's me, I'm not ready

  • The reason is because he's been honest and in doing so has exhibited a lot of typical nice guy qualities. Most women find that a turn off.

    If he was mysterious, took a little longer to respond to your texts, negged you a bit and arrived a little late for a few dates, you wouldn't be able to get him off your mind.

    This guy has just made it known why he is dating that's all. Having said that, it is a classic red flag... but that doesn't mean it should be one.

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  • He just stated his intentions, that's all. I mean unless he said I need you to be my girlfriend right now or let's get married, move in, or have kids then yeah that'd be a red flag.

    I mean how much do you like this guy? If you still like him maybe let him know you're interested but not sure where you wanna take it just yet.

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    • i'm gonna let him know that i actually just want to be single & focus on myself right now; which is the truth... & overall I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship. I just don't know if I should do this on a phone call or in person? as I don't think we dated enough to do it in person

  • He knows what he wants and he is asking you about it and talking to you about it.
    Now it would be different if he was pushing for sex.

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What Girls Said 8

  • You don't need to have a lot in common to want something serious with somebody. It is a choice. If you don't desire him as a person, then you need to tell him it's not going to work. I don't believe this has anything to do with him. I think the problem is actually you. You have commitment issues. There is nothing wrong with being slow. But I believe he is already doing that. I see that you two are getting to know each other. If getting to know each other is the problem, then what else do you need to know before you say yes? That is your responsibility to ask. He is very certain that he wants something serious. That is not a red flag. What I see is simply this just from evaluating your responses and reasons:

    "I don't know it all felt kind forced..." All I hear is personal feelings. Did his body language give you a reason to distrust him? If so, why do you keep seeing him? I personally believe that you never had a REAL serious relationship before and is on guard because you got hurt in some way in the past, whether by boyfriend or perspective suitor/crush. How do I know? Because even though I never dated before, I felt that way you feel now before.

    "... I don't think I have a whole lot in common with him..." In what ways do you not find in common that is extremely important to you? What are your values and what are his?

    "he also seems to be very reserved in general..." And is him being reserved a problem? So I guess he's an Introvert and you're an Extrovert? Are you looking for another Extrovert? Guys are not just going to change just to fit your ideal partner. Reserved people don't lack social skills. We just perfect to hang around people we love, have a personal relationship with, can relate to, and prefer to have a small group compared to too many acquaintances we have no emotional connection with. Again, is this a problem? Then you need to date another Extrovert.

    "and I don't know if he ever goes out much?" You're assuming, and this is in fact very rude. There is nothing wrong to be concerned and wonder. But never assume.

    With all of this in mind, this is what you really need to focus on, not whether or not he is looking for something serious. Because while he is decisive, your not. And since your uncomfortable with him, you need to just end it. Let him find somebody who would accept him, and you find a partner that is your ideal personality wise.

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  • It's smart when people are up front about what they want from a relationship. He's telling you what he wants to work towards, that doesn't mean he wants to leap into it right away. It's not like he proposed marriage on the first date. I don't think there's any reason at all to worry about this, unless you definitely DON'T want a serious relationship at this time.

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  • Ok I'm going to say... First you started off saying all the less positive things about him and talk about him highly but once he mentions a serious relationship you don't want it. I don't get that.
    I definitely agree its too soon. I honestly don't think you should stop dating him because of that. I would take it slow and let him know you're not trying to move fast. Let him know you wanna keep dating before you go into anything like that.
    From what you wrote he sounds like a decent guy and you don't want to miss out on a great guy. They're hard to cone across. Take your time and see what happens before you just kick him to the curb. To me its not a good Smith reason to stop dating a guy.

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    • you're right. i don't know, personally i feel like i have never had a healthy romantic relationship so it is weird & new that this guy is interested in me. he seems to be stable and has his life together which is nice but i feel like overall we don't have a lot in common / are interested in the same things. i want to take things slow before anything really happens... i just found it strange that he mentioned all of that but i guess that's how he feels. i will probably keep him around for awhile... get to know him more and see if we have more in common before ending things.

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    • thank you... and honestly that's the only thing i dont really dig about him. in my opinion he needs to come out of his shell and try to socialize and try new things. it is hard to find things to talk about with someone who seems to have not done anything exciting before :/ bleh. what makes me say all of these nice things about him ^^^ is that it's true. he has been nothing but nice to me such as taking me out, giving me rides, listening to me, and just treating me well in general. i guess personally i would rather spend time with someone with more of a sense of humor and liked doing spontaneous things. but thanks haha i appreciate the advice.

    • You're welcome :) I see but eventually shy people open up. I'm shy myself :P and no problem I'm glad I could help in a way ^_^

  • Based on yout description, all he did was tell you what he's looking for in the long term. He didn't actually propose to you or tell you he loves you.
    But if you feel that you don't have much in common with him then no one is forcing you to see him. You've got to have the spark.

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  • He didn't ask you to move in with him or marry him. Telling people what you hope to get out of dating within a few dates isn't crazy or moving too fast. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants that with YOU but that is what he is looking for. If you just want to explore your options right now and have fun then don't string him along.

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  • He wants something serious - if you don't you should end things right now.

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  • I think he meant he wants a serious relationship in general. If you don't want a serious relationship the just break it off with him

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  • No you shouldn't stop seeing him because of that, although it may have been a turn off or a bit shocking to you thats not really a reason to break it off. However if you feel there isn't much you have in common and you don't feel a connection with him that is a reason to. I say give it some time but definitely go with your gut feeling. Not that into him? Break it off and move on. There doesn't have to be something wrong with him or a "reason" to break up with someone if it's not right or for you it's just not and thats okay remember that.

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