I'm obsessed with finding a relationship. How can I stop?

I've never had a relationship. I've dated, guys have ghosted me, I was at the almost point.

After watching all of my friends go through relationships, guys I liked going for my friends and never having anything successful myself I became determined to find someone. I'm obsessed with it. Overall I'm happy with myself and I'm okay being single but then my friends tell me about something great in their relationship and I get sick to my stomach because they remind I'm not doing well at dating. It's so unhealthy. I think I found someone and tell my friends I got it wrong again. Then I beat myself up for weeks because I fucked up again.

I don't know what to do. Right now I'm sworn off all men and I'm rejecting everyone but I don't want to hate men. It's not their fault. I want to stop feeling shitty it's not happening for me and not even think about it. How can I when it feels like a slap in my face everytime I'm the one who is always alone?

Updates:
Thank you for all tje responses. Gonna take everyone's advice and get more hobbies lol

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Most Helpful Guy

  • It sounds like you are wanting more to have a status symbol or impress others.
    You are doing exactly what you are suppose to be doing except for bearing yourself up.
    You do not want to date just to date. You're respecting yourself more than than that. You are not missing out on anything. How many people have had poor experiences or broken hearts over and over that would love to be just fine by themselves. Most of us go through many broken relationships and breakups by dating the wrong person (s).
    It took me a long time to figure this out. Plenty of regret and wasted time always searching for someone to make me feel worthy, just because of that stupid status symbol idea.
    It wasn't till I got to being just perfectly fine being by myself and looking for anybody when the RIGHT ONE the ONLY one crossed my path effortlessly and unexpectedly.
    the only suggestion for you is to stop beating yourself up.
    Everything else you are doing is exactly what you should be doing. So congratulations.
    There is no need to look for him. god is preparing him for you all's you have to do is believe you will have that special someone someday. That is pretty much it. Simple and easy. Continue on and you'll be blessed because you sound like quite the catch with your self respect.
    Congratulations on having no regrets lol.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Okay. I'm going to tell you what I told another girl. You need to just not think about dating at all, and just have fun and do what makes you happy. You see, people can pick up on when you're looking for a boyfriend. You give off a certain energy, not detectable by you, that inadvertently puts pressure on potential matches and in turn, turns them off. However, when you're out just having fun, doing your thing, there's a different energy about you that makes you so much more approachable. There's not that "invisible" pressure that puts people off.

    So, please, stop looking for someone. Don't even let dating enter your mind. Just enjoy yourself.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 75

  • There will be the time when someone will chose you. It's actually nobody's fault and it isn't even a bad thing, because most relationships do not last long. I hope you'd wish to have someone being totally yours and loving you without expectations and not just being fallen in love in you. Be cause Love isn't just an emotion, love is a very tough decision. For example, Jesus said to the men: Love your wifes like I love you.
    Does this mean that Jesus was fallen in love and that he had sex with those men? Definitely not! Jesus made the decision to love, and that meant:
    being tortured, hated, whipped and crucified, because he was a danger for the priests' wealth, cru cufied with the result of dying choked.
    But he was also left alone by all his friends and disciples and even god in his last moment of life. He was even able to free himself from that cross and to show them, "hey I am the son of god!" Although he knew it he didn't. He died because of us and because of love. He must have died, because if he didn't died we all have to live without the holy spirit in us, who teaches us how to love. He gives me the strength to fight against lazyness and selfishness, even against pornography and other false imaginations of love. I was a slacker, there was no reason for me to live or go to school, other than later gaming and watching porn. That was my "life", which was just an early extension of death. But now... I am born again. And now, I now what to do, how to love, although sometimes I'm too lazy to do so. But the holy spirit is like a sword that destroys every sin, even when it takes one year. He goes very deep into your soul and piece to piece he removes that tumor deep in you. Well, if you want...
    Dear anonymous, search for a man who would die for you! Such men do exist, but not as a part of this world of sinners, but in god's world.

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  • Well, what type of relationship do you actually want and how are you going about trying to get it? If you're just looking for a fling, there's a number of ways, clubbing comes to mind, as an example. If you actually want a meaningful relationship, something more long term, maybe try to make friends with guys and get to know them better, vetting them almost to see if they could do? Just take your time with it, don't push yourself into a relationship because you feel like you're missing out, that's how you make mistakes and regrets.

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  • I read a theory called the law of attraction (not the "opposites attract one"), you attract the person you are right now. So if don't want anyone or deep down you feel everyone wouldn't work, he'll never come. Honestly he will come, I know. I've been through a lot. I've sworn off girls before but when the right one comes, you'll know. Maybe you're looking for too much now or you're not giving enough people a chance. So cliche but if you love yourself enough, you'll attract people who'll wanna love you as well (:

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  • I mean I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you'll find someone you just have to be patient. You're getting dates so that tells me you're probably not unattractive. However the fact that they are ghosting you tells me you're fucking something up and making a mistake.

    The issue is you and you need to come to terms with that. I know you recognize that at surface level but it means something else to really come to terms with it. I always laugh when girls say what's wrong with guys. I mean how rational is it to blame every guy in the world instead of considering that the issue might be you.

    Without know where you're fucking up I can't really offer anything here. If you want to message me later on when you got a situation going on with a guy you like, then you're more the welcome to. Although I'll warn you I'm not the quickest to respond. Not an expert by any means but I think I got a good amount of experience and have no issues offering some perspective.

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  • I am going through something similar to that but with women I know how you feel I can't seem to get it right either so I don't go out much right now yet there will be a time for it just try making only friends that's what I am trying for and eventually that right person will come into your life I have felt the way you do many times but I just don't give up hope well OK I have given up mostly but still try to make just friends and maybe just maybe you and that one guy whom becomes your friend will become something more

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  • I think you're thinking about it too much. Just let the "mission" go and let it happen on it's own. Get hobbies and stay busy with your life. Meet people when you can, be friendly and just let it happen naturally.

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  • Well try taking time for yourself. Enjoy being single for a bit. When you feel the time is right and you have finished healing go for it again. When you are on break and not looking for anything sometimes love finds you. It is weird but true.

    I have been like that recently. So I'm just on a short break before I become desperate or just give up. Taking a break is fine if you push yourself to hard to stay strong you will break. Better to take some time and recover than to keep pushing.

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  • Sometimes the best course of action is to live life normally and not stress out about as it will happen at the right time - remember to expect the unexpected. The best advice I can give you is to simply work on yourself and of course stick in with education - their is no time frame or certain age you need to be in relationship as everyone is ready at different ages the same when it comes to having sex for the first time. Don't worry about it and keep your head up and don't worry about other people - remember to just work on yourself and not others. Both me and my Step-Sister are both 17/18 and none of us currently are dating and in relationships - it's fine not to be so don't worry about it.

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  • This is not a healthy mentality. You're getting together not to be with the person but to not be alone - no one deserves a partner who only wants to not feel lonely. You should learn to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

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  • Well sometimes you just gotta come to grips that your just taking a break and let loose all the tension and find when your ready to get back on the dating scene. And maybe this time it will be the right guy.

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  • "I don't know what to do. Right now I'm sworn off all men and I'm rejecting everyone"

    Well then, what are your complains about?

    "I'm obsessed with finding a relationship. How can I stop?"

    It seems to me you do not know what you want.
    How do you expect to have a relationship if you have sworn off all men? Think about it because it's your first step.

    "I don't want to hate men. It's not their fault."

    Definitely true. So don't hate them for it and put yourself out of your own comfort zone and hunt a good man! They ARE out there. You just don't have them in your radar.

    But you can always not do that (because it's easier that way), which leads me back to the beginning of my opinion.

    Want to get my point? STOP. THIS. CYCLE.
    It's all up to you to break it. I can only show you where, you will cut the line if you want to.

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    • I'm not trying to accept any dates until I get my head together. I don't want to choose the wrong person

    • Good luck. Not sure how else I can help you.

  • Finding the right person, someone who is kind and loving, but with whom you have some chemistry, is hard for everyone. About the only thing I can add is, do NOT believe the people who say that love will magically fall in your lap. The real world doesn't work that way. You have to work and keep yourself open to people.

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  • the chances are that you are drop dead gorgeous and the guys all assume you are already with someone (yup, saw your pic) chill, relax. honestly, guys (like girls) can sense insecurity and worry, and it scares them off, even if they are too dense to consciously be aware of why. relax, get to know you. learn what you. like, what you don't like. observe. chances are, while. you are doing that, some idiot, drooling guy will come up and, trying to ompress. you, say something so completely idiotic that you both have to laugh at it. He's probably the one...:-)

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  • Normal. U are 24-

    Not 70.

    Still got lots of time ahead. And there is a one for everyone.

    At least u didn't love someone that don't love u back.

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  • if you are a obsessive girl from the start.. and begin a relationship with someone you will still be obsessive.. you will need to change how you think.. and everything will be fine..

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  • 1. Start over with making a list. Write all the best things about you. All the worst things about you. Everything else.

    (all together these things make up who you are.)

    2. Refine List: see if family and/or friend (s) and/or random people can understand your list.

    3. Begin working on improving the worst. Find help if needed everyone can use help.

    4. Start a binder at least one page on each good qualitity... the title of each page is what your good quality is, the page is to write up how you can accentuate or enhance these good qualities.

    5. Openly date and let people know your goals when dating them. That you want to know them and want them to know you. Explain what your looking for... a boy friend... a husband some day? What is it that you want?

    I believe love is true and never dies not if you really love a person. even if you are unable to be together.

    That is why making these friends are important and how one or more can become important to you and you them.

    Build a new addition of your friend network of men and/or women that you can be open with about the romantic side of your life.

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  • You sound like you're too hard on yourself. I can relate as mostly everyone I know is either in a relationship or married and have children. I never been in a relationship but keep myself open to the chance if I ever meet someone. I been keeping myself busy with getting into shape and doing hobbies to keep busy. Rejecting people will only hurt you as you will see no one being worthy of dating you and loving you for the person that you are in the inside. Take chances meeting guys and slowly take it to the next level. Maybe reexamine your life and see what is it you want from a relationship with a guy and write down what you are looking for in qualities from a man.

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  • Sounds like you are insecure with yourself and need to be reminded that you are ok. No amount of relationship will fix that and in the end drive the guy away more.
    So its good you recognize this now so you can work on it and wait.

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  • To be completely honest, I am in a similar spot as you but people see me as older or as already taken or something

    I hate that gut feeling i get when I think of relationships but at the same time I'm chilling. I'm focusing on friendships and thinking "fuck it"

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  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TwfdY5Dxpw these videos, will tell you how to achieve success. Its changed my life, and I am getting what I want in life,

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0Z9mQsMNZA This is greatest video, I have listened to, will tell you how to achieve total confidence, which is you maybe need, to stop obessing over relationships. Greatest tools for you need to change your life.

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  • Start doing sports or art, you will be so obsessed with getting better at it that you will not even pay attention wheter you single or in a relation. You might even feel better being single since being in a relation requires time that you could have invested in your passion :)

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  • Firstly if u are looking for a serious relationship then you can't just plan for it or keep searching for it when it happens it will happen n that's all there is to it... but if u are looking for flings then that's a different situation!!! Personal experience: I been looking for a serious relationship myself and I found a few but they never worked out and eventually I understand that they weren't the serious kind just flings and daring... so I just hold my ground n wait for that one girl who can actually come up and be serious about being with me not just hook ups and dinner dates but smth more then that... so all u can do is just sit back n wait cause if u keep going at guys then ur gonna make tones of mistakes which will eventually effect u when u get the right guy next to you!! Cause sometimes a bad move from the past clouds our judgement for a better future with the right guy!

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  • Ironically , you will do a lot better if you simply forgot about finding a relationship. On the bright side , it is a trillion times easier for a woman to land a man , than vice versa , but to actually KEEP a quality partner & this applies to everyone , gender regardless , you have to put in the required effort to make yourself the best possible version of yourself there is.

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  • Could be worse. I have my friends/family asking why I haven't found someone and when I'm going to settle down (Which I hear as simply settling for someone) etc. at the end of the day. Just because you haven't had a relationship doesn't mean you're never going to have one or that you need to have one right this second. Don't worry about it so much and someone will come along. If you do however, worry about it too much you'll appear desperate and will drive away quality guys and only attract assholes who are looking to take advantage.

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  • you can stop being obsessed by finding a caring man who will love you for being yourself.

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  • I'm in the same position as you, never had a relationship before but I've hooked up once and that's about it. Just find something else, a new hobby to take your time instead

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  • As a girl it should be easy for you to find someone (to be accurate someone to find you). I'm going through something similar and I totally understand how you feel.

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  • lol, I'm pretty much in the same position as well, the only diference is I haven't got to the almost point before, but what I normally do whenever I start to feel shity is work on my other goals like my game dev projects (I normally work on this regardless).

    when I get to the point when I'm doing well in my career (making good money) I will invest in things like a good camera, style myself out then take a professional picture, put it on a dating site (obviously with a proper discription section, don't worry I researched this 😆). I'm also thinking of improving my communication skills , I'm not introverted or anything, I'm a talkative person but I'm planning to learn the art of communication so I can be more funny and wity and increase my chances 😜.

    maybe this strategy may not work or it mighty not be beneficial to you because dating for girls and guys is different but try not to take it to seriously, have fun being single, also think of all the benefits you get for being single 👍.

    once you've worked on your dreams and goals and become known you'll have a higher chance to find someone with mutual interests.

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  • Find some hobbies. If you are horny just get a hookup, don't need a relationship for that. I've been single since the 1970's, you will not die from it. You also will not die from hating everyone either, I haven't even after decades of it.

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  • when they start talking about relationships just go get something to eat or bathroom or put on earbuds and ignore them

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  • More from Guys
    45

What Girls Said 29

  • Stop thinking about it and trying so hard. When your friends talk about their relationships just be happy for them. Think about all the good in your life and not about what you don't have. Don't look for the relationship it'll come to you when you stop looking for it. The right guy will come when its time. Just focus on the now and not on finding a relationship 🙃

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    • Here i kum... where should we take this circe of LUV to? 🌹😚

  • Work on focusing your attention to other parts of your life. Try to find happiness in other things. Maybe volunteering or travel or some other hobby. Devote yourself to other things and work on your self worth. Then, when you are in a better frame of mind you can try again.

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  • Just because you haven't found someone doesn't make you any less of a person, nor should it make you feel like you're "not doing well" in the dating department. In my opinion, you need more time for yourself instead of focusing on dating. Yeah dating is fun, but taking time for yourself should be the top priority. Honestly, I used to think I was missing out too when all my friends were dating and I was the odd one out. I wasn't as eager to get a boyfriend because I just spent time doing things I loved and learned that having a relationship wasn't everything. By the time I got to my last year of high school, I was happy as hell because I loved myself and the adventures i partook in (the journey) and that's all that mattered. Fast forward to a year later, and I'm in a relationship. My point is, find time for yourself. Be patient. Most importantly, have fun and keep doing you because you'll meet someone eventually, you just gotta wait. :)

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  • No relationship is perfect , I love my boyfriend but we have to work hard bc there will be times he could unintentionally hurt your feelings and you have to push through it or dump him. When I was single, I never had to worry if I was good enough or pretty enough bc he wasn't in my life lol it was just me building myself up without him tearing it down. Being single is awesome. Get in your hobbies and passions, if you are Christian , pursue God and let God pick him. Anyway, I was in your shoes, the guys I liked were more into my friends and at the time , I felt devastated but guess what? God had his hand on me bc those guys are all losers now and one of them is now a woman like Bruce Jenner or Caitlyn lol so be glad certain guys reject you bc I know the right guy is out there but you focus on loving yourself first and go after your passions

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  • Find a hobby that consumes more of your thinking. Have you tried studying particle physics?

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  • Focus on yourself and they will come.
    Literally only do things for you and don't even think about relationships, guys come flocking in. Trust me. When you start actively looking; you get so specific and start passing everything up that you think inithings happening.

    Do what YOU want to do.
    Take yourself out
    And your guy will come waddling in soon.

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  • I know this sounds cliche but relationships happen when you least expect it.
    Maybe I've been fortunate but I've not had this where I went looking for a relationship. And when I least expect it, I meet someone, and we get along, and get together, etc.

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  • You seem like you need to seriously take time away from that and really focus it on yourself. Get another hobby, pick up some pastime, spend more time pampering yourself and doing things you like. Get your head in order or something.

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  • Don't rush into a relationship just yet. Focus on your education and then you will find the right guy, when the time comes.

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  • i'm insecure and obsess over so many things i lost count . what i discovered was
    how many of my friends who i relied on would tear me apart by the things they'd
    say to me . what made it worse i tried to be like them not realizing what they did
    and said was just not me in the first place . i did have a short term relationship .
    i loved this guy so much i was willing to quit school and my 3.8 to get a job and play
    wifey supporting him while he went off to college . bad idea? . you bet .
    he transferred to a uni across the country . talk about anger hate confusion depression
    desperation and frustration . it made feel helpless lonely and worthless . I would text
    him and get nothing back . i swore off guys until slowly i started dating again .
    now in college i have a much differ mindset . i meet and date different guys casually
    who come into my life and stimulate my interests . dating gives me a chance to define myself
    and what i would want from an eventual partner . now i live with less fear and insecurity .
    it does mean that i do put out a lot bc i enjoy sex . but that may not be you .
    i'm not one to give advice . but what i think what most people are saying here far better
    than i ever could, is dont shut yourself off or out from men . the possibility of you shutting
    down your emotions and needs could have more consequences for you . wishing you the best .

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  • I am exactly the same as you. Well, I was... until I learned to stop focusing on obtaining a relationship. I am only 23 and these things can happen at any time. Assuming you're roughly the same age as me, we are still young. Yeah, I see most people my age are in a happy relationship - but does that mean that I'll never be with anyone? No. I am happy enough working and travelling. Basically, find another thing in life that you can focus on. Go to the gym, go on holiday, join a club. Stop obsessing over relationships - it isn't the most important thing.
    When you realise this, you will see how much precious time you wasted worrying about finding a boyfriend :)

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  • This is why you date/talk to multiple guys at the same time so if one ghosts you, you don't feel the pain that much. Also, all your emotion is not put on 1 guy.

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  • Well I mean, it depends what you want, what type of relationship you want. Thats either a long term one or short one. In my opinion I would get a long one, but you can't really get one if you go to each guy you find and try and hook up with them. It sounds like you're feeling pressured to have a relationship, because of your friends. Don't get me wrong, they're probably great friends, but you're probably feeling pressured to get one because of your friends. Are you ready to have one, and commit? Do you want one more importantly, or is it mainly because of your friends. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Get a hobby, something like that. You can pick up 10 pennies off the ground, or pick up a dime, it's your choice.. I hope all goes well, if you need help just ask!

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  • It's usually because of self esteem issues. It's hard to stop things like that and honestly I would recommend finding a good therapist to help you build it up! Therapy isn't bad what so ever and you should never feel ashamed of going if you do, I mean, I go to therapy for lots of reasons and because of it I've been able to fight these things and change them. You do t have to take my advice but I think it would help.

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  • The right man will come darling, just be patient and strive for self improvement.

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  • I was thinking similar thoughts in high school. Just take a deep breath and focus on yourself and your life. When I stopped thinking about guys, I stopped stressing out and had more fun. And eventually I met a great guy.

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    • I do want to have more fun. Between school and work I'm always stressed lol

    • Show All
    • @asker... I didn't literally mean 'weak'.. I was just saying woman is more stronger than. man... and no woman needs a man for having fun...

    • I understand what he means. only because all your friends are in a relationship there is no need to be in one yourself. it won't make u happier than you should be, if you seek happiness out of a relationship you're starting on the wrong foot

  • Hey you sounds like me an about 3 other friends of mine... don't worry you're not alone in this we have never had a relationship either and the last guy I dated for like 5 months and really thought was going to turn into a relationship ghosted me :( I realize it's also the kinda men that I choose and am attracted to though ugh

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  • it's fine to be picky but don't close your heart

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  • Simple, date someone moderately attractive for that relief you are looking for.

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  • It's a lust, dont stop, I think you should take everything patiently but finding a new relationship is pretty funny and you only live onceeeeee

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  • I feel u, I'm almost 21 and have never even been in a relationship, it's hard too when you see all your friends around u find someone. I guess what I try to do is keep busy at work and school and worry about my self and providing for my future before I get a guy. It's hard to believe sometimes but there is someone out there for everyone.

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  • You talk with him

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  • There are more important things in life :-)

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  • GIRL thank you SO much for asking this question. I always felt I was so alone feeling this way because I am in the exact same scenario (except recovering). Don't listen to anyone who tells you you're stupid or wrong for feeling this way, because it's real and it hurts. And most of the time they don't know what they're talking about because they have been in a relationship and even if they say "oh it's not all that great" they still don't know because they haven't been in either of our situations.
    What has helped me to recover from obsession was a few things. First and foremost, I did what I could to distract myself from it. Instead of looking up romance movies, songs, etc. I found songs about women who are confident being themselves (like the song women up by Meghan Trainor or I don't wanna be in love by Good Charlotte). Then I found a hobby to distract myself because even if it was weird, it kept me distracted and helped me learn things about myself. I tried making YouTube videos, practicing instruments, practicing singing, playing video games to get high scores- and honestly I try to avoid reading, movies, tv shows because even if there isn't romance in there I could find myself wanting it and making myself depressed: the weirdest part about this was that when I took up a new hobby, I found myself wanting to get better and win and there was this natural drive that made it my top priority (I'm pretty competitive which might be why I was so jealous of my friends having boyfriends before me because I was jealous).
    The next thing I did was build self-confidence. I watch girl-love YouTube videos by Superwoman, YouTube videos that are inspirational to women (there are a lot of good ones out there), and I wrote down a list of everything that makes me unique. Whenever I get insecure about myself I go back to that list and remember the good things about me.
    I have had flings and things like that but nothing committed or serious. But what I found, was that the guys came faster and stayed longer when I was driven towards working on myself and I really understood who I was. When all of my attention was focused on the relationship, rather than having it equally focused along with school work, work, hobbies, etc. that's when they bailed.
    When you're focused on finding yourself, time will fly and you will meet the right guy. You will know he is the right one because he will love you for YOU, because you had worked on yourself all the way up til that point, know who

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    • You are and will continue working on yourself from here on out. Hope that helps ❤

  • It'll happen when you least expect it. Things usually don't work out when they're forced, especially relationships

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  • no its okay.. your destiny will come to u

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  • Trust me, relationships are overrated. I can completely relate to not wanting to be alone and I can understand the hurt you're feeling, but it's so better being alone than being with the wrong person. They will hurt you so much more. I know that doesn't make you feel better but take some comfort in it

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  • Im in same situation ahaha i know how you feel :/ my life was all like that
    If i like a guy and he like me, but he would be in relationship so I would never confess to him, don't want to be between him and his girlfriend...
    Or he would be strange, weird stalker that likes me...

    I really feel sad too but u guess it has to be this way, i don't know :/

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